Divorce from a guy's perspective
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Divorce from a guy's perspective
| Wed, 10-15-2008 - 12:48pm |
My wife of 13 years has decided that she wants a divorce. I have never cheated on her, or emotionally or physically abused her. She decided that either I had to move out or her and our two girls age 7 and age 5 would move out. I moved out because it would be too much disruption to the girls with their school and friends to ask them to move.

You will probably hear this better from other sources, but she had made her decision to leave a LOT longer than you ever knew. A spouse can take years in leaving once they have decided, and no amount of marriage counseling is going to change that. And even if you had withdrawn or whatever, she just wants out. She just wants it to be over. I know exactly how you feel. I was blindsided by my STBX's affair then 2 days later he leaves and tries to take the kids with him. He never told me anything, but apparently had been telling others how unhappy he was (though at home things were improving between us, or so I thought) Once someone has emotionally checked out, they have checked out.... Its sad but true.
And I agree 200% that these days people DONT honor marriage, we are just a disposable society.... I would not have left until I had tried 110% for my marriage, but he felt differently. Hopefully next time you select better? I hope I do.
Liz
Thanks for the masculine perspective. You've made a number of good points. The amount of time you're able to have your daughters does sound sadly insufficient. I hope this is something you and your attorney pursue vigorously. There is a double standard, but it is changing. I know a few couples who share custody. Though in one case especially the divorce was downright nasty, they were both committed to the children, so they've been able to put their grievances aside and attend school plays, etc. together. They don't snipe at each other through the children. The divorce has not been too traumatic for the kids.
It's sad but true that you cannot make or persuade your wife to stay married. I remember when I used to work for my dad, an attorney, and a woman and her mother came in, very angry and upset, and the woman swore that cheating SOB couldn't do this to her; she would just refuse to agree to the divorce. My dad quietly asked her what she would have to gain from that. He told her if one person was determined to leave, the marriage was over, whether there was a divorce or not. And Dad was a devoted family man who didn't like divorces. Sadly, your divorce is something that is happening to you, as opposed to something you participate in.
Though your wife won't consent to counseling for herself (Maybe she doesn't want someone to point out her flaws or dissuade her from what she wants to do.), it's good that your daughters are going. It's a tough transition for kids that age. My stepson used to cry when he left us to go back to his mom. While it's really hard to do, your girls need you to reassure them and make them feel strong (Nobody in a divorce is as powerless as the kids.)and loved. I assume you call them daily and talk to them about their days, all the stuff you talked to them about when you shared a home full-time.
You have my sympathy. I hope you'll continue to post.
HI there,
I understand the anger and such.
I have never understood why some custodial parents (usually women) didn't want their kids to spend time w/ their father, unless something was wrong w/ him. I was pretty angry at my 1st DH for wanting a divorce when our kids were 7 & 1--it was more his idea to have another child, we had already been having problems earlier. So I guess it was like he felt it would improve the marriage and when it didn't, he checked out, leaving me to do most of the work. However, he always saw the kids at least 3 times a week. At first he didn't have a place to take them for weekends, but when he met his new wife, he started taking them EOW. I actually felt guilty about it, but I ASKED him to take them on weekends. Here he had already found someone else and of course, I had no time to even date, cause how could I be doing that when I was always w/ little kids and even when he was watching them, couldn't go out at night? It was nice to have a rest from taking care of them and finally be able to date. The upside of that is that our kids, who are now 19 & 13 are very well adjusted and haven't really suffered from the divorce. I'm sure there are times when they haven't wanted to split their time between 2 places and on holidays there's a lot of running around, because then they had 4 families to divide their time among, but other than that, things have gone ok. My ex & I have gone to all sporting, school events, etc. together and we don't argue in front of the kids, everyone gets along. So I would agree that if the OP wants more time w/ the kids, he should fight for it.
What I do find (as a divorce lawyer) is that a lot of times the reason the dads don't ask for more time is that when they were home, they weren't doing anything w/ the kids anyway. I ask--who takes the kids to their dr's appts, who takes the day off from work when they are sick, who takes them to their activities? If the mom does 90% of of that kind of thing, then it definitely works against the dad having more time, but sometimes, that's the first time the dad is willing to step up and take responsibility.
I absolutely AGREE!