Teaching Me a Lesson

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Teaching Me a Lesson
8
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 11:35am

I'm so upset, I can barely type. OK, so I'm a very forgetful person. I work on ths constantly, but I space things out pretty regularly, and I know that's frustrating to live with. (A reminder: I'm staying in my marriage until our daughter graduates high school. H. has been emotionally absent and hasn't touched me in over 8 years.)I get it. So several days ago, I put the dog leash on the table in my H's office in between taking her for a walk, and going out for my run.Then I forgot to put it away when I returned. The next day, the leash is missing--not on its peg, not on the table, nowhere. Hm. I used the spare leash. Yesterday, I once again forgot (Doh!!!). Today, no leash. Both leashes are now missing. I spent ten minutes searching.

I asked H. if he knew where leash was. He said yes, did I know? I said no, I messed up and left it on his table. Oh, he said, so you DO know where it is! No, I said, because it's gone. I asked if he put it somewhere to teach me a lesson. (Which has happened over and over again in our marriage) Not to teach you a lesson, he said smugly, just Lost and Found. I told him he could have just told me nicely that I'd left the leash on the table, and he was frustrated by it. He said, oh, no, that would have made me angry if he'd said anything. (NO, it would not have! It would have made me contrite and embarrassed.) I said, not as angry as you trying to teach me a lesson. Then he stalked off to the bedroom and sat on the bed with his arms folded until I left for work.

I know this seems like a little thing, but I'm so ticked off that he thinks it's OK to teach me these little lessons. It's so insulting! This is the kind of thing that makes me think maybe I can't stick it out til daughter graduates. Argh! Help!

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-18-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 1:29pm
Truly my first thought is, why would you want to stick it out for your daughter?

Rachel

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 1:30pm

I think maybe hiding your DH's favorite possessions would teach him a nice little lesson. Did you ever see the move Waiting to Exhale? It's kind of old so I don't remember why the couple was getting a divorce, but they were very rich and the wife was mad, so she took all her husband's very expensive suits, put them on the front lawn & set fire to them. Not that we should actually do things like that, but it's a nice fantasy.

I would bet that by now, you have gotten into this habit of apologizing to your DH all the time for your behavior and letting him get away w/ childish crap like this. Like maybe next time you could say that unless he wants the dog to pee all over the carpet, which you will let him clean up, he can just go & get the leash immediately and he can just do all the dog walking from now on, too (unless it's your dog). He is really acting passive/agressive. Have you actually told him that you are going to file for divorce? I bet he'll actually be shocked then. Have you told your DD of your plan, because I think that in the midst of going to her senior prom, graduation and all the parties wouldn't be the best time to tell her, besides you will have to figure out who is going to pay for college next year if you are going to get divorced and if I remember, deposits have to be sent in before the summer. So actually it might be better to have that cleared up now. It would be worse to have her enroll in college, then find out that the parents can't afford to pay or that he is going to give you a hard time about it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 3:43pm

My 8 yo DS made comments to me like "Why do you let daddy talk to you like that?"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2008
Fri, 10-17-2008 - 4:40pm

This sounds like abuse. And I'm an expert on it, believe me (unfortunately). I was married to the emotionally and verbally STBX for 9 years, and he pulled bs like that all the time.


If I had to guess, this is but one of MANY little things he does to destroy your self-esteem, degrade you, or make you feel "less than". This is NOT something you want your daughter around. She will learn this behavior is acceptable from a man, and will repeat this mistake many times before she comes to terms with it (if ever).


At the very least, please talk to her about his behavior. Let her know that a real man does not treat a woman this way; that your H is a child.


And if you can, please check out some online sites about emotional/verbal abuse, and read the book "The Verbally Abusive Relationship" by Patricia Evans. This will help you sort out if it is abuse. And if you want, come over to the Abuse Forum here. It's VERY helpful!!!!


Best to you.


-Learning

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Sat, 10-18-2008 - 8:04am

Hi Julie,


Is this your daughter's senior year?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 2:55pm

Kids are smart and intuitive.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-15-2008
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 7:48pm

Thank you. I just had a chat with her in the car this morning. I told her I'm really glad she has a boyfriend who treats her so well. I reminded her that I always told her to enter into relationships only with boys like her even-keeled, sweet-tempered uncle (my sister's H.), and that I never, ever want her to enter a relationship with someone who's difficult, critical, controlling...and she said,"You mean like Dad?" So yes, she knows what he's like, and I'm sure you're right in that she knows that I'm not happy in the situation. Still, I think at this point, she hasn't wanted to make further connections, as in Dad being mean + Mom being unhappy=parents split up. Family has always been a HUGE deal to her, and change has always been her nemesis.

Still, I'm starting to rethink things. Your post was very helpful. I appreciate your advice.

Julie
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 9:13am

It's great... in one respect... that she SEES it and seems to understand it, but that doesn't make it OK to just stick around for more :-)


FAMILY is FAMILY... even if the dynamic of that changes.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~