head vs. heart

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2008
head vs. heart
5
Mon, 10-20-2008 - 7:51pm

I was married 18 years to an abusive, narcissitic, selfish man.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 12:13am
I am so sorry for you and I know EXACTLY how you feel. I am starting the dissertation phase of my PhD and I even offered to quit to get my husband to stay. I volunteered to give up all of my dreams, I lost 50 lbs, whatever he asked for I was willing to do. Why? I know I am a smart, nice, attractive, competent women. Why do I feel the need to have him be my husband? I think the same reason you still feel sad - because I love him. He is the love of my life - we have been together 16 years, married 15 and have four children. He is part of every memory, accomplishment, every thing! I don't know about your life, but my husband walked out and left everything behind. I have all of the reminders of our life together and I too still cry everyday. TV shows, songs on the radio, movies . . . all remind me of him. He has a gf now - of course - he cheated with her and that was the catalyst for his leaving, but I still think maybe he will realize everything he is giving up (we haven'f filed yet - waiting for tax purposes) and come back. But then I wonder, will I ever trust him again? After all the mean things he has said and done, do I really want him back? Like you I know in my head he has mistreated me and yet, I am not mad either. I don't want to hate my husband, and you don't either. You have children together and it really is best for them if you can treat each other in a civil way. When I want to be angry at him, I think about how he has hurt my children and how they didn't do anything to deserve the pain caused by his selfishness. That usually makes me angry. Hope it helps!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 12:14pm

HI there ready2explode,


You don't want to turn your heart off, you want to feel the pain and stay with it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 2:29pm

I know you think you want to hate your ex now, but hate takes up a lot of energy & it really does nothing to the person you are hating. It hurts you more. What you really want to gain is when you stop caring about your ex, not that you wouldn't care if something bad happened to him, but more like what he does has no effect on your life. My ex left me after 13 yrs of marriage & 2 kids. Our youngest was only a year old. There was no affair, no big arguments, so I really couldn't understand it. I was plenty angry at him at that time. I remember one big argument when he said that he left cause he wasn't happy and I said to him something like "well, it doesn't matter then whether our kids or I are happy, then, just as long as you are happy?"

But now it's like 12 yrs later. We both got remarried. It worked out better for him than me, since I'm now going thru 2nd divorce, but we are at the point when we can be friends. He recently had a party for 50th birthday of his brothers/sister, who are triplets, and invited me to the party at his house. Of course I have known all his relatives and was happy to see them. I could sit at a table w/ his wife and stepD and not care one way or the other. I actually think she's nice and am glad that the kids like her. It does take time to reach this point though.

Just keep reminding yourself how much better your life will be not having to live w/ the abuse, even if you never find someone else, you will be happier because you can do what you want and noone will be putting you down.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 7:11pm

It takes time to turn off that feeling we have had for someone especially after so many years.

Emom13

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-24-2008
Wed, 10-22-2008 - 10:06am

I wanted to thank you, and everyone else who posted wonderful advice for me.