The Name Game

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
The Name Game
8
Mon, 10-20-2008 - 11:11pm
Hi I'm new here. Feeling the need to talk to others about this. Over a year ago my husband came home from a business trip and said he didn't want to be married anymore and that he never really loved me. This was after 17 years of marriage and 2 kids. It's taken me about a year to really get angry at him over this. I think the anger is a good thing, before I just didn't let it touch me. I do have a question for those with kids though. Did you change your name back to your maiden name after divorce? Part of me wants to leave it as his name until my kids are out of school so they don't have to go through that "why do you have a different name than your Mom" thing. I also hate the fact that I would have a different name from my kids, we're a team and have always been very close and they are closer to me than to soon-to-be-ex. I don't want to change my kids name either, I don't want to take yet another thing from the life that they knew. But at the same time I hate having his name after he's treated me like this and I just want to get away from being anything to do with him. What have others done and why and how did you decide? Thanks for any help you can give me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
In reply to: momofnandm
Mon, 10-20-2008 - 11:56pm
I don't think that there is anything wrong with keeping his name. You have had that name for 17 years. People don't only know you by that name because of him, but because of who you are and what you have done over the last 17 years. I am in a similar situation, I have been married 15 years and I am published under my married name. In my line of work, tenure is gained by publications and citations, so I basically have to keep my name as is, even if I get remarried in the future. I am with you. I have 4 children and I like having the same name as them. My parents divorced when I was young and my mom remarried shortly after. I never had the same name as my mom, but my sister did. It always kind of made me the outsider in the household. Like your husband, my husband came home one day and said he no longer loved me, didn't know if he ever really had and wanted out. I was shocked. My children were shocked. It has been 3 months and it still shocks me. I still cry every day, but I have gotten better at hiding it. Anyway - the point is - do what you want to do, not because of who he is, but because of who you are!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 7:40am

Wow, your husband and mine sound like clones. I think part of it is mid-life crisis. But my husband always acts on impulses and regrets it later. Since we've split he's driven to Chicago multiple times to hang with his HS buddies. I really think he wants to recapture his youth. He pretty much sees the kids when it's convenient for him. I was numb at first and now I feel angry and betrayed.

Thank you very much for the advice!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-15-2006
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 1:56pm
Well you can sure add my exhusband to your clone list, because he also said the samething to me after 16 years of marriage and 3 kids. One kid being a week old, can you believe that a week old baby. I never felt so much hurt in my life. Its going on
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 2:13pm
There is a similar post on the Making a SEcond marriage work board right now and the answers are pretty split on what people did, but it did get a very large number of responses, so it definitely is an issue. When I got div, I didn't change my name back cause I wanted to keep the same last name as the kids. Plus I graduated from law school in 1982 and got married in 1984, then 13 yrs later got div, so most of my professional life was w/ the married name. Then 5 yrs later I got remarried and my 2nd DH really insisted that I could NOT have my ex's last name. Of course, he has many issues, but to him it was a personal affront that I would change my name for the 1st DH and not for him or something like that. so I did, against my will, but then I gave in a lot to stuff that he wanted. But although I changed it legally, I never stopped using my 1st married name at work, so now it's like I have 2 names. I am seriously thinking about changing it back in the div. One reason I don't feel bad is that it's not even my 2nd DH's family name--he had some issues (again) w/ not liking his father so he decided to change his last name--what he did was just cut it off, so now his middle name is his last name. It really doesn't sound so weird cause there are people who have that as their last name anyway. But when he did that, his DD was probably 11 and she didn't want to change her name, so that made 3 last names in our household. Our mailman was probably confused. Oh, and he still gets some mail w/ his old last name too.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 2:46pm

I kept my married name, but it was more of a professional choice than to keep the same name as my kids.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 2:56pm

They do sound like clones! I think it is part of a mid-life crisis too. And I know my husband wants to recapture his youth. He even said it to my face. He wants to live near the university in our town (which he is doing) because it within walking distance of bars and single young women - the things he missed out on by being married during college years. Whatever! I know he will have regrets and he has admitted that being away from the children is hard for him everyday, but his pride would never allow him to admit he wanted to come back home . . . even if he did. I have mixed thoughts on it, somedays I would give anything for him to come back, but in my head I know it would never be the same.

I feel for you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-11-2008
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 6:50pm

I will have to talk to both of my lawyers to see if it is as easy in MI and in Spain.

Emom13

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2007
In reply to: momofnandm
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 8:27pm
Wow! Thanks ever body for all the information! There's so much to think about. It's amazing how many of us are in the same spot. I guess years of marriage means more to us than to our significant other. I know what everyone is saying though, even if husband wanted to come back it probably wouldn't work. I don't think you can ever get over that kind of betrayal.