Anyone here who asked for the divorce?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-21-2008
Anyone here who asked for the divorce?
7
Tue, 10-21-2008 - 10:24pm

I'm struggling - even though I'm the one who wants the divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 5:23pm

I am new here (used to ahng out at Ivilliage, but not for years, and never in this folder!). But I am also the one who asked for the divorce and we are living under the same roof. Well, technically, I asked for a "trial separation."


I asked at the end of Sept... My moving date is 11/1. It has been very uncomfortable. We have both been civil to eachother, though. Probably in large part because I am letting him have everything he wants (house, car, etc).


I would figure out some plan to get out as quickly as possible. If you can't move out (which can be a bad thing legally, I know), then it might help to spend as much time as possible away from the house. I have also found it best to just stay out of each other's way as much as possible. If he is in the livingroom... I go in the kitchen.


Don't let him engage you in battles- if he starts berating you... walk away. Take a walk. Tell him you will talk to him when he is ready to talk respectfully. You can't control the actions of other's- just how you react.


I am of course, though, assuming you used the terms you did metaphorically- if he is actually hitting you- call the police!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 1:48pm
If by "nasty swipes" you mean verbal swipes, bite your tongue and avoid an argument. If by "nasty Swipes" you mean he is physically hitting you, CALL THE POLICE OR A DOMESTIC VIOLENCE HOTLINE (1-800-799-7233) OR YOUR FAMILY DOCTOR. You can get a "Protection From Abuse" order through the Courts that may evict him from your home and will keep him from contacting you or coming within a certain distance from you. IF he is hurting you, YOU DO NOT DESERVE THIS TREATMENT. YOUR SAFETY AND THE SAFETY OF YOUR CHILDREN SHOULD BE YOUR FIRST CONCERN. Worry about the financial implications later.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 5:32pm
I plan on asking for a separation by summer -- I'm trying to lay the "groundwork" until I am in the position to be able to move out when I ask for the separation -- I just don't think I want to try being in the same house & dealing with that level of tension on a daily basis (especially with kids around). Yesterday was our 9th wedding ann. -- we just talked about work related stuff at dinner & then went home & slept in separate rooms (as we have been doing about a year now). He dropped some hints that he might come "sleep" in bed with me -- but, when I didn't give him any positive
Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 7:20pm
I am finding that giving up what is familiar is hard...even if it is the best thing. Being strong and figuring out what I need for a change takes patience and planning. I am finding that after 27 years of marriage negotiating lonely vs. alone is not easy but I think it will be worth it. I waited until the kids grew up... Do what you need to do. I am trying to figure it out one day at a time. Know that you are not alone and you are not the 'bad guy' just because you might have initiated this.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 5:20pm
I have decided that the saying "A wise man learns from his mistakes BUT a WISER man learns from OTHERS mistakes" is to be taken to heart... and after hearing about or talking to women who "stayed for the kids" -- that that is NOT usually the best thing to do -- I am only 33 (9 yrs of marriage) & don't want to look back in 10/20 years when my youth is gone & say "I wish I had left earlier --
Pregnancy%20ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 6:52pm

I asked for the divorce.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 7:49pm

Thanks. I need to hear that there is a light at the end of this tunnel because sometimes I think I see it... I know it is there but I can't see it through the tears. The martyrdom... yes that is what drives me crazy. Of course he is living and doing a post-doc in Costa Rica going to the beach every weekend while I try to sell the house, manage two 18 year old senior boys and try to finish my PhD. I am not suppose to feel resentment because I am the one who 'initiated' this. "This is what you wanted" I hear.

I forget that things will get better. Without family and with few friends I don't have someone asking everyday, "How are you doing?" and I feel so alone in all of this. It seems like whenever I am alone in the car -- that is when I know I am alone.. I cry.

Anyway. Didn't mean to get complain-ey.. It's just that you people are truly the only ones that seem to really 'get it.'