The Lesson Is...It's Over
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| Wed, 10-22-2008 - 12:06pm |
Well, it happened again this morning. This time the flashlight was gone. (It's still dark when I leave the house with the dog.) Same deal. I'd apparently left it somewhere. I told him he needed to treat me like an adult. He said--so predictable I could have said it for him--that he would do so when I start acting like an adult. I told him that I get it, that it's very frustrating to live with someone as forgetful as I am, and that I'd keep working on it, but he needed to TELL me I'd left something out and it bugs him instead of hiding things. He said telling me had never worked, and he wasn't hiding it, it was in the Lost and Found. The "Lost and Found" turned out to be a bag on the inside doorknob of the furnace room, which is right in his home office.
SO...after more discussion, I said, "The bottom line is that your method of dealing with this is not up for discussion. Is that right?" He said, "Right." I left--with flashlight--took the dog for a walk and sobbed the whole time. When I returned, he'd gone into his bedroom and closed the door. He did not come out before our daughter and I had left.
I wasn't crying because I was so hurt--well, maybe a little--but because I realized the PROBLEM (forgetfulness, leaving things around) was more important to him than the PERSON (me). This seems to me to be a real sign that it's all over. I mean, I GET his frustration, I really do. I think most people would find my ditziness and disorganization tough to live with. It's just that I keep thinking back to a pre-wedding conference with the minister, who said he couldn't pronounce us married because we were already married in our hearts and souls, so he'd just confirm our marriage. Well, we're divorced heart and soul.
I did look in on the abuse boards, though I felt guilty doing so because I know he'd be so hurt, and I'm still waffling on whether he's really abusive--my own confusion. Oh my gosh, those women have WAY more to cry about than I do. I should just count my blessings. Instead, I'm thinking I need to broach the subject of divorce soon.
My best friend moved out of town and is going through a huge crisis of her own right now. Would you ladies mind being my best friend? All I want to do is cry.

Julie,
I really feel for you. What he doesn't seem to get is that noone is perfect (except maybe him). Esp. after a long marriage, aren't there little things about him that you would just put up with and know "it's just the way he is." My STBX has a SERIOUS memory problem, which isn't his fault. I don't know if it's that he has ADD or caused by the meds he takes or what. I could never count on him to remember ANYTHING. Even his own doctors would have to call to remind him of appts. The problem is that I would try to get him to tell me when the next dr's appt. was immediately when he came home, so I could write it on the calendar and be able to remind him, but he would even forget to do that--he would lose all his cards, etc. His memory loss became such a family joke cause he could watch the same movie over & over and not remember what happened--I think he watched the Bourne Identity about 20 times! So you leave things out, so what? Is it really affecting his life to such a terrible degree? I mean, my kids leave their stuff around the house all the time. I either remind them to put their things away or just do it myself. He had other choices--he could either leave the things where you put them or be nice and put them back where they belonged and help you out, or if he really wanted a "lost & found", you could get a big basket & put it by the front door or in another convenient place and dump all the forgotten stuff in there. But instead, he has chosen to do something that is really obnoxious, in my opinion. It doesn't sound like something a loving spouse would do. Whether it borders on abuse is debatable, I guess, but it's definitely not nice.
So I guess the thing you have to decide is whether you want to continue living w/ a man who doesn't treat you nicely, which is how you deserve to be treated. Have you ever heard of the book "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" or it might be reversed? I read the whole thing in the bookstore (obviously couldn't bring that one home) when I was trying to decide whether to leave my STBX. It does give you things to think about. There are a couple of chapters that basically say that if you have a certain problem w/ your DH's behavior, what you need to think about is 1) what do you want him to change--then you have to tell him to give him the chance to change and think up a certain time frame, but you also have to think 2) is he willing to change and 3) is he capable of change? I'm certain this isn't the total problem in your relationship, but if you said to your DH--"I am really unhappy in our marriage because you do X and I would like you to do Y," would he be so upset at the prospect of divorce that he would try to change or just tell you he's not going to change? I remember coming home from the therapist (who also suggested that I tell my DH what I would like him to change" and telling him that it was depressing to be around someone who was always complaining & unhappy, and instead of listening to me, he just spent all his time telling me that my opinion was wrong and he was just "realistic," not negative. So I figured that if he didn't even think he had a problem, he wasn't going to make any effort to change himself, so it was either accept that his behavior was never going to change (which I wasn't going to put up with), accept that we would continue to have arguments all the time, or leave.
Julie,
I wouldn't be so quick to take the blame all on yourself. Your husband is acting like a spoiled child. He goes to his room and won't come out? He won't discuss this issue so you can come to some kind of compromise? The only thing he's not doing is laying down on the floor and holding his breath while he kicks his legs in an effort to get his way.
A big part of being married is adapting to one another's "isms." Yes, they can be bothersome, like being forgetful or disorganized, or leaving the cap off the toothpaste, etc. etc. These things really aren't that important but the way they are perceived by our partners can turn a molehill into a mountain.
He's making a lot more out of you forgetting things than is really
CL-Wisdomtooth2020
I made it through the day without bursting into tears in front of anybody. I'm going to counseling on Monday. He and I tried marriage counseling seven years ago. His stipulations: the therapist had to be a woman, and she had to have an office in the town where he teaches so he wouldn't have to drive to get there or miss work. (I drove 25 miles to get there and had to take time off of work.)Then he went three or four times and quit. It's a long story. I kept going after he quit. He said he didn't like her. The therapist said he has a personality disorder. Two other therapists over the years have told me the same thing.
I've thought of telling him that I'm thinking of divorce because this marriage plainly isn't working, and I'm unhappy. How much plainer does it get than eight years of no physical contact? I'm concerned, though, that he might freak out and make things ugly. Eight years ago, when he told me he was so unhappy he was thinking the marriage might be over, I was shocked, but after thinking and crying about it for a few days, I told him that maybe that was the right path to take. He said he'd NEVER said he wanted a divorce (True. He said he was thinking of about the worst thing in terms of our relationship, and I said, "Divorce?" and he said, "Yes."), that he KNEW I'd twist what he'd said, but if I wanted a divorce, by God, he was going to take me for half of everything I had, right down to my mother's engagement ring. This is why I'm not sure that approach would work. I don't know what approach would work. Actually, based on past experience, I'd say he's most likely to dump it right back in my lap.
I can't tell how much of me is damaged by the relationship and how much is just defective. My self-esteem is at low ebb. It's one of the things my H. cites as one of my many flaws anyway.
Having a true lost and found might be a good idea, but I'm too upset to suggest it right now. I once read about that technique as a means of handling messy kids. Our daughter is messier than I am. Of course, that's my fault, according to my husband. Somehow, all those hours spent helping her clean her room in her younger years, setting up consequences when she got older, and trying to help her remember to pick up after herself...truly the blind leading the blind. He rarely leaves things out. He doesn't seem to be OCD. I don't know what the deal is. My therapist told me if it weren't my spaciness, it would be something else he'd hone in on. Not that that makes me feel any better.
Thanks for reaching out to me. I feel so isolated. Hearing from caring people really does help.
You should not
Hopefully w/ counseling you will get to the point where if you decide you want to leave, you will be strong enough to put up w/ any crap that he throws at you. I put it off for a few years cause of financial considerations. I do work full-time but don't make enough to be able to afford to buy my STBX's share of the house, so I was worried that I would have to sell the house & what would I do w/ my kids? I couldn't afford to buy another house in town, since mine is already on the low end, so it would be either renting an apt. (big expense, probably more than my mortgage payment) or buying a 2 BR condo, where we would be really crowded. So I wanted til my DS was out of the elementary school which was close enough for him to walk home. Then I waited til my DD went to college, cause she just seemed to irritate my STBX all the time, so I figured he would be happier w/ her gone. Well, he was, except that when she was home on Christmas vacation for a month, I noticed that he just had to pick on every little thing she did, which was actually nothing. It's not like she was disturbing us having wild parties, coming in late or anything. Her very existence disturbs him. So anyway, one day I was talking to her after another argument w/ him that left me very upset and she said, "mom, if we have to sell the house, I don't care if we have to move to a smaller place & I have to share a BR w/ John (brother), I'm not home most of the year anyway." So by that time, I had resigned myself that even if I had to sell the house & move to a smaller place, the peace of mind was worth it. The funny thing is that when I told him I wanted a divorce, he said that I didn't have to sell the house until my DS graduates from high school. So you have to think, what's the worst thing that can happen financially? Realistically, he's not going to get 1/2 the value of your mother's ring. The judge really doesn't want to spend the time to divide up your towels and dishes--they are concerned w/ the big ticket items, which you will probably have to divide equally if you have a long-term marriage. Your kids are older, so custody won't be an issue. You just have to find out if he can be ordered to pay your DD's college tuition or c.s. while she is in college.
I guess you reach the tipping point when you can say that you would even be willing to take a financial change for the worse (hopefully only a little) to get away from a bad marriage. There was this stupid song on the radio this summer w/ a line from P.Diddy of all people, but I used to remind myself of it all the time. It was something like "You have to go through the pain to achieve the joy." It's true. There wasn't that much pain in my case, just some aggravation, but life is so much better now that he's not living at home any more.
I learn so much at this site. I have a lot to think over. I don't care about the money so much. I'm about to give my mother's engagement ring to my son, who's getting engaged soon, so that's not an issue, really; it's just the depth of the anger behind that remark that concerns me. I'm such a wimp; I hate having anyone angry at me.
And actually, I don't want the house. It's quite a ways from town, and it gets pounded by sun and wind, so it constantly needs staining and painting, and it's hard to grow anything. Truthfully, I don't think of it as MY house any longer; I think of it as his house. I wouldn't mind a little apartment. There aren't many available here, though. There are a lot of trailers, in drug-and-drink-plagued trailer courts. Not the kind of places I'd want to take my daughter
Last night, I came home from parent-teacher conferences, and my H was very friendly and chatty, like nothing had ever happened. Normally, I buy right into this and am so relieved that I forget all about whatever he's said or done. I really have crossed some sort of line, though, because I didn't buy into it at all. I wasn't unpleasant, but I wasn't particularly friendly. I'm just feeling so...done.
Last night, I dreamed that he was having an affair--a dream I've had before, and it was always painful. (He had a one night stand years ago.) In this dream, though, I was relieved, because now I had a "real" reason to leave him, and nobody would think it was my fault.