He's dating and I want rules - how?
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| Thu, 10-23-2008 - 10:04am |
My STBX and I agreed to divorce about 7 weeks ago and he just moved out last weekend. We have 2 little kids, 5 and 2. I am 99% certain that he is already in another relationship. I am not sure that I want confirmation b/c then I would be so angry. I just want this over and to move on with my life.
My question is this though: I don't trust him to use good judgment in bringing someone around the kids. I would like to have some guidelines for dating but don't know how to bring it up to him. Basically, we're communicating well and not fighting over anything in this D. He will have the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend, so he has plenty of time to be with someone without the kids. But he's just selfish enough to think it's okay to share his new love with the kids.
Help! Have any of you broached this topic with your ex?

XH and I had a "no overnights" clause in our separation agreement. We had a verbal agreement that we wouldn't introduce the kids to someone we were dating until it was a serious relationship. I desperately wish I'd had THAT in writing.....
He introduced wife #2 to the girls within 2 weeks of meeting her (he and I were still married) and introduced them to wife #3 within 2 weeks of meeting HER..... and yes, he was still married to #2. In fact, he told the girls that he and #2 were divorcing and they met #3 the next week.
It wasn't just an introduction.... "Hey girls, this is Mary".... it was full blown dating with the girls, and like your situation, he ad plenty of time to do that WITHOUT the girls.
TRY to get something like that in writing (hard to do) or just get used to the fact that he'll probably not respect that boundary. It sucks!
~calla~ mom to rosie and gracie
You bet your butt I am putting in a no overnight clause, since my STBX has already had his new ho sleeping over and we aren't even divorced! He told the kids its his cousin!!!! BUT they know she sleeps in his bed.... a room he shares with our youngest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
yeah, men lack common sense to think about whats best for their children!! So, as a mommy you have to. If you have a lawyer, ask him or her. If not, they try to start off with something, but remember he will try to bargain you down. So start off with no overnights and no having a girlfriend around the kids while they are there. He will then settle for no overnights.
BUT in your initial demand, try not to be totally outrageous, like saying don't even let them meet ever, a judge is less inclined to view you as reasonable if you do that.
Liz
It's not just men who have a lack of doing what's best for their children when it comes to dating. I have a male
It sounds very sad, what you described. Its like people loose it when they divorce and hurt the kids to get back at the ex... its just too sad....
To the OP, yeah, I know there isnt much you can do, but if there is something in writing, and he breaks that, it will look very bad on him in court....
Liz
I pushed for, and got, a no introduction/no overnight clause in our preliminary agreement. He cannot introduce our young children to anyone he is romantically involved with...it's in effect until the divorce is final (early 2009). In the final divorce decree I will seek for "no overnights."
I agree, we cannot trust them to do what seems right and logical in our world.
I was going to ask the same question. You can't very well say that a person is to have no overnights for the rest of their lives, although I think it would be ok if it was a reasonable period after the divorce is final, but actually I am a divorce lawyer and I have never seen a no overnights clause after the divorce. Has anyone actually done that?
P.S. State law in MA states that a parent can't get a change of custody due to the fact that the ex is living w/ a person of the opp. sex--you would have to show that it is somehow harmful to the kids. I know that MA is one of the more socially liberal states, so it might not be the same everywhere.
Karen ~ wildlucky4me
Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~