He's dating and I want rules - how?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2008
He's dating and I want rules - how?
9
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 10:04am

My STBX and I agreed to divorce about 7 weeks ago and he just moved out last weekend. We have 2 little kids, 5 and 2. I am 99% certain that he is already in another relationship. I am not sure that I want confirmation b/c then I would be so angry. I just want this over and to move on with my life.

My question is this though: I don't trust him to use good judgment in bringing someone around the kids. I would like to have some guidelines for dating but don't know how to bring it up to him. Basically, we're communicating well and not fighting over anything in this D. He will have the kids 2 days a week and every other weekend, so he has plenty of time to be with someone without the kids. But he's just selfish enough to think it's okay to share his new love with the kids.

Help! Have any of you broached this topic with your ex?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-17-2001
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 10:23am

XH and I had a "no overnights" clause in our separation agreement. We had a verbal agreement that we wouldn't introduce the kids to someone we were dating until it was a serious relationship. I desperately wish I'd had THAT in writing.....

He introduced wife #2 to the girls within 2 weeks of meeting her (he and I were still married) and introduced them to wife #3 within 2 weeks of meeting HER..... and yes, he was still married to #2. In fact, he told the girls that he and #2 were divorcing and they met #3 the next week.

It wasn't just an introduction.... "Hey girls, this is Mary".... it was full blown dating with the girls, and like your situation, he ad plenty of time to do that WITHOUT the girls.

TRY to get something like that in writing (hard to do) or just get used to the fact that he'll probably not respect that boundary. It sucks!

~calla~

~calla~  mom to rosie and gracie

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 12:40pm

You bet your butt I am putting in a no overnight clause, since my STBX has already had his new ho sleeping over and we aren't even divorced! He told the kids its his cousin!!!! BUT they know she sleeps in his bed.... a room he shares with our youngest!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yeah, men lack common sense to think about whats best for their children!! So, as a mommy you have to. If you have a lawyer, ask him or her. If not, they try to start off with something, but remember he will try to bargain you down. So start off with no overnights and no having a girlfriend around the kids while they are there. He will then settle for no overnights.
BUT in your initial demand, try not to be totally outrageous, like saying don't even let them meet ever, a judge is less inclined to view you as reasonable if you do that.

Liz

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 4:54pm
I think it's perfectly reasonable to say no dating in the presence of the kids WHILE YOU ARE STILL MARRIED! After that, then maybe no overnights for a certain time, but after the divorce, there's only so much control you can have over the other person's life.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 5:56pm

It's not just men who have a lack of doing what's best for their children when it comes to dating. I have a male

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-07-2003
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 7:37pm
No, its not just men... but I will bet statistically they are the first to enter into a new relationship after a divorce...
It sounds very sad, what you described. Its like people loose it when they divorce and hurt the kids to get back at the ex... its just too sad....
To the OP, yeah, I know there isnt much you can do, but if there is something in writing, and he breaks that, it will look very bad on him in court....
Liz
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2008
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 8:11pm

I pushed for, and got, a no introduction/no overnight clause in our preliminary agreement. He cannot introduce our young children to anyone he is romantically involved with...it's in effect until the divorce is final (early 2009). In the final divorce decree I will seek for "no overnights."


I agree, we cannot trust them to do what seems right and logical in our world.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-08-2008
Thu, 10-23-2008 - 8:24pm
These have all been really helpful.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 1:22pm

I was going to ask the same question. You can't very well say that a person is to have no overnights for the rest of their lives, although I think it would be ok if it was a reasonable period after the divorce is final, but actually I am a divorce lawyer and I have never seen a no overnights clause after the divorce. Has anyone actually done that?

P.S. State law in MA states that a parent can't get a change of custody due to the fact that the ex is living w/ a person of the opp. sex--you would have to show that it is somehow harmful to the kids. I know that MA is one of the more socially liberal states, so it might not be the same everywhere.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 7:32pm
My attorney told me that I could put that (that'd we'd BOTH not have any overnights--not married) BUT that in today's life, it's so common to live together and not be married, that judges don't want to hear it unless the kids are being exposed to inappropriate behavior (and that type behavior would be the same whether it's a married mom and dad or inviting a whore over for a sleepover.... as long as the kids don't SEE the sex, most of the time a judge won't care)... so, your best bet to to play on your EX about what you BOTH are willing to do... and not do... for the kids, and hope for the best.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~