Just at the Beginning

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2007
Just at the Beginning
3
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 5:37pm

I am in the process of getting all the information together and getting the nerve up to ask my husband for a divorce. My clarity is clear. I know this is what I need to do. It's all about waiting for the timing now.


I am afraid, terrified of the finances though, especially in this economy and with the elections. I wonder if anyone has any advice. I hope for an amicable split, and for us to be able to sit down and work out the financial details, but I don't know how angry he will be.


Besides finances, any preparation you would recommend as essential before I do this?


Thank you


park

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 10:35am

Well... I made sure I talked to a friend first and told her when I was about to confront my dh. I wasn't exepcting him to become violent or things to get out-of-control, but, hey, you just never know.


One thing I wish could have been done differently in my case was that I wish I could have just moved out the day I said it. But if I had, he would not have had the money for bills. So I set a date of 1 month and gave him time to get a full-time job, etc. (moving on Friday). BUT this past month has been horribly uncomfortable for all of us! I did, though, have an emergency back-up plan of going to my mom's or friend's overnight if I had to.


I would also make sure that anything very important would be easy to grab and take with you if the situation gets to the point where you feel you need to leave immediately (like medications, important papers, money). I also backed up all of my important computer files.


I have had the same fears with the economy, but in my case, I will be in a safer position, because he was destroying our finances.


So... I did a bunch of stuff to prepare. I planned exactly what I would say and made sure that I had a clear plan to confront him with so it wouldn't lead to arguing and

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Sat, 10-25-2008 - 12:53pm

Before you ask for a divorce, interview several divorce lawyers (use one that specializes in divorce, not a general law practitioner, because the divorce specialist will be able to more accurately predict things like amount of child support, alimony, time frames, property settlement). And remember, whoever you hire will probably want a retainer fee that could be up to $1,000. Before you go to one of these interviews, make sure to ask if there is a consultation fee. I know interviewing several lawyers sounds time-consuming and expensive, but it is well worth it. The first lawyer I interviewed was a general practice attorney who I am really glad I didn't hire. It cost me $50, but I'm glad I spend the money. Make sure on the interview you have a series of questions ready to ask, and also try to have general financial figures available for the discussion (i.e. approximate value of your house or other property, both spouse's salaries, amount of assets such as stocks, 401Ks, IRAs, money in checking, savings and/or money market accounts, and also amounts of credit card debt). Even if you think you won't be the one to move out of the house, go through your files and make copies of all the supporting paperwork and account numbers, because he may just take the files with him. DO ALL THIS BEFORE ASKING FOR THE DIVORCE!!!!!!!!!

If you are the one that is going to move, price apartments or living arrangements in your area, as well as the cost of moving (hiring movers and buying boxes and stuff cost me approximately $600),utilities and your other living expenses, so you know what you are going to be working with financially. This is why you need a good divorce atty: he can give you approximate dollar amounts for spousal support pending the divorce, and child support. My state has formulas for these based on the income of both parties.

Resist the temptation to ask for the divorce until you have yourself positioned financially. If you can hold back some money from your paycheck, try to save up money to cover your initial expenses. I paid extra on my car payments between the time I decided to get a divorce and the time I actually asked for one, so I had that much less debt. Since I handled the bills, my spouse didn't realize this. You may need to save for an apartment security deposit as well as first month's rent. Try to pay down some of your credit card debt if you can. The other really important thing is to establish your OWN credit. Try to open up a couple of accounts in your name only, like a Visa or Mastercard or local department store cards that could come in handy. However, shop for rates. I looked on Bankrate.com and found Visa cards that only charged 7% interest, while everyone else was charging 15%. Credit union credit cards sometimes have lower rates, too.

I have found the second most important thing to financial certainty is having a good support system of friends and relatives. I found this out because I don't have this. I only have one relative that I can really talk to about this, and a couple of friends that I can unload on, but I'm afraid of burdening them constantly with my problems. It's hard not to dump your feelings on your almost-adult children (mine are 18 and 19 years old)but that's not really fair to them. So the more supportive people you know, the better. Another important thing is to make sure you don't isolate yourself. My family doctor actually PRESCRIBED that I meet with a friend at least once every two weeks to go out and do something fun, preferably that involves some sort of activity. He also prescribed some kind of exercise three times a week for a half hour. This type of activity can ward off depression. Are you saying to yourself that you have never been depressed in your life, and why would you be depressed if the divorce is your decision? I thought that since I was the one that initiated the divorce,and because it is a fairly amicable divorce, and because my children are grown, I wouldn't have alot of emotional baggage. That didn't turn out to be true. I already suffered from some level of depression, and without my even realizing it, it got worse and worse, with negative thoughts about wasting the last 15 years being unhappy (I was married for 25 years), and worrying about whether I will be able to pay my bills (even though I am getting generous spousal and child support. I finally ended up crying every time a bunch of these negative thoughts would go through my head.

I'm just trying to point out that divorce is an emotional roller for everyone involved, and one way to prepare for it is to have a good support network of friends to help you through it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2004
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 1:37pm

Hi-
I was in the same place 4 weeks ago. About 3 weeks ago I told him it was over. I had done a lot of what you hear: I had made copies of most of our financial stuff, had talked to a couple lawyers, had a grab-and-go plan. The things that I did that were helpful were that I told a friend that I was doing it that night. Then she checked up on me, and I knew I had a place to go if I needed it. I also did a role-play with a friend - mine was really good because she really anticipated every response he could possibly have had. Most of these responses came up, so I was ready to say something.

The things that I didn't do and am kicking myself are some of the financial things: I knew my car needed it's 60k check up and I didn't get it (and we've now split our cash), a few other oddball items like that. I am still on his insurance so will go do my final dental and health check ups before I switch to my own coverage.

My advice to you is to do the role play, and then to make sure you do as much of these things as possible regarding your health, your car, or other expenses that you don't want to shoulder on your own in the future.
good luck-
emilie