Second Thoughts?

Avatar for geminisunset0529
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Second Thoughts?
6
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 3:53pm

Hi everyone,


I hope I am not being insensitive by posting this question on this board. If it comes across that way, I truly apologize. I'm just not sure where to turn to get the answers I am looking for and though this board might be able to offer me some insight.


Divorce is so common these days, it's heartbreaking. I feel bad for each and every one of you that are on this board trying to get through such a crushing experience. That being said, I want to avoid starting something that could possibly send me down that road in the long run. I have been engaged before, and two years into that relationship, I started having doubts and second thoughts, so I broke off the engagement. Now I am in another serious relationship, and as we've just past our 2 year anniversary, and are talking a lot about the future and so forth, I am starting to have my doubts again. My question for all of you is this:


Before you got married, did you have second thoughts? Did you wonder if you were settling and could there possibly be something better out there? And now that you are going through a divorce (or have gone through a divorce), do you wish you would have listened to that little voice in your head questioning the relationship? Or was it something entirely different that caused the marriage to end?


Again, I apologize if it is insensitive of me to post this here. I am just trying to decide if I'm just having normal "cold-feet" thoughts, or if my gut is trying to tell me something. I want to avoid marrying him if my gut is already telling me it won't work out. I don't want to go down the road that my mother and many other men and women I know have gone down.


Thanks for reading.

Mel


"It

Mel

"It  take's both sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-01-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 9:26pm

For me second thoughts played no part in my impending divorce. My husband left me, but he never had second thoughts about our marriage either. We were best friends and married for 15 years. What contributed to our divorce was his infidelity and then he says he can no longer face me and doesn't think he will ever get over the guilt - so for right now he isn't willing to try even though I told him I was willing to forgive.

I think if you are having second thoughts you don't need to break off the relationship but realize that you are comfortable just "being" in the relationship. You don't have to get married - or whatever you think the catalyst for the "cold feet" is. Some people are more comfortable not being married and that is ok. And the person that you are supposed to be with will understand that if that's what's right for both of you, then that's just the way it is. If you think you would feel "trapped" in marriage, then don't do it. It is heartbreaking to go through a divorce, for both parties I know based on my experience, but friends that I have who have been the divorcer and the divorcee say it's harder when you are the one walked out on who doesn't want the divorce, so if you think you would end up leaving this man, that's just not fair to him either.

Hope this helps in some way. . .

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 11:16pm
Forever is a very long time. Yes divorce is painful--and I am the one who has ultimately, after almost 30 years together decided that the marriage needs to end. I cry almost everyday. Giving up something that isn't working and hasn't worked for a long time isn't easy. My advice is that if you enter into this union knowing that it is 'as long as this love shall last' then you are both going to better off. If together you decide that if you both aren't growing and being the most complete people you can be then you will work on it and if you aren't fixing it...then you will out of love let go before it gets to the point where one person leaves out of anger or feeling trapped. Be honest and authentic NOW. No masks or hidden agendas. It is the secrets and lies that destroy relationships.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-06-2003
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 7:41am

Hi Mel,


Before you got married, did you have second thoughts?


Well, it was so long ago....but I really think I did, but I couldn't put a finger on why.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-11-2008
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 8:10am

Yes, I had second thoughts.

Avatar for geminisunset0529
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 8:49am

Thanks for all of the responses. I have a lot of thinking to do obviously. And Terry, yes, I am a Gemini - so that part of my personality is always causing me to second guess my decisions - ALWAYS. So that could very well be the reason for my thoughts. But you are all right - I need to evaluate the situation and really look at things. And if I am not going to walk away before there's a ring on my finger, then I need to commit myself to the relationship and to him 100% - no ifs, ands, or buts about it.


Thanks again for everyone's insight. I wish you all the best.

Mel


"It

Mel

"It  take's both sunshine

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-26-2007
Wed, 10-29-2008 - 4:27pm

Go out & get the book "Too Good to Leave - Too Bad to Stay"... Seeing as how you've been in the relationship 2 years already, reading that book should leave you

Pregnancy%20ticker