Advice

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-13-2005
Advice
2
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 5:15pm

Hi Everyone -

OK - long story short - my husband is very controlling - not physically abusive but emotionally yes. He has always controlled what I do - and how I do it (I smoked behind his back for years because he said he never wanted to be married to a smoker - stupid things like that.) - We have a 9 month old son - and since his birth - I have done everything for him - if I want to go out or have something to do - I have to ask relatives to watch my son - because my husband will not watch him for me while I do things. I got fed up a few weeks back after dealing with things on my own and after 7 years together and 3 years married - I went to a lawyer and filed for divorce. I told my husband that I was "done" and that I filed and he broke down and told me he didn't want to loose me or our son, etc. He has been showing me these past weeks how much he is willing to change - he has gone to a therapist to talk about his controlling issues, they put him on "happy pills" for his anxiety, and bi-polar issues and he has asked me to go to counseling to try one last time. I am seriously considering giving him one last chance - but I don't know if the resentment and anger will ever go away - because it took me to file for him to realize all this - instead of all the conversations I have had with him on this subject. I don't' know what to do - I am close to my family and they tell me he will never change - and that this is his way of still trying to control me. I would like to get your opinions on this - from people going through what I am going through.

Thanks in advance for your help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-25-2008
In reply to: intoodeep1
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 11:35pm

I am ending my marriage after almost 30 years together. Controlling--yes. Always giving in to what HE wanted. Search co-dependency... if this fits you--he can do all the work he wants and things will never change because you will need to. If you have been putting up with this control for 7 years I think you need to work on your issues also. This isn't about him or the marriage. It is about you figuring out how to get your needs met.

I don't have any friends because he wanted all of my attention. I am just now, at 47 learning how to do what I want.

Do not only go to counseling with him... find your OWN therapist and work on your issues. I have friends who were able to salvage their marriages at this early stage because both they and their partner changed. It can happen. But You will need to change also -- the problem is not just his. You will both need to change your expectations of each other, of yourselves and of the relationship.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: intoodeep1
Tue, 10-28-2008 - 12:41pm
After you file, you have a period of one year to go forward with the divorce before the filing "expires".... wait and see what he really does and if his actions stay the course.... but really, only you know if you have that left to invest.

Karen ~ wildlucky4me

Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~