Wife havign Emotional Affair at the leas
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| Thu, 10-30-2008 - 11:21am |
I am currently going through a divorce with my wife of 13 years. We have two girls ages 7 and 5. She filed for the divorce stating that I withdrew from her the last year. I checked our cell phone bill and I see that she has been talking to a coworker of hers on average 4 to 8 times a day during normal business hours in the last 4 months or so. I can't prove anything physically between the two but at the very least they are having an emotional affair. She says that he is like a brother to her but the other guy and his wife and 6 month old baby have never been over to our house in the past for dinner nor have we been over to their place. It is not normal for a married woman to be talking to a married man 4 to 8 times a day on the cell phone even if they are coworkers. I confornted her about the affair and of course she denies it. At first I told her that I knew who she was having an affair with and she asked me who it was and I told her that it does not matter who it is. She keep pressing me to tell her who it was and I told her and then she assured me that it was not the guy I told her it was. However, she then told me to leave that guy alone. Other signs she is having some sort of affair, she has lost a lot of weight, has been working out, created a separate email account that she said she was using for all her "Girl Scout" paperwork.
It really sucks to go through this. I love my girls so much and because I am the guy I will only get to see them one night a week for dinner and do onvernight stays every other weekend. Emotional Affairs to me are really more serious than physical affairs with the exception that you don't have to worry about STD's.

You would be really surprised how that visitation schedule is becoming not the norm anymore.
Pray...I have walked in your shoes. The big difference is that I do not have kids.
Look, the days of the woman just getting the kids and everything are long gone. Get yourself a pitbull attorney. You may not one but you can see your kids as often as you want. You can also get the house sold and she can find a new place to live.
Send me an email if I can help. I have walked a mile in your shoes. It hurts.
Irish Tom
Hello-First thing I would say to you is that you are taking the right steps in overcoming the pain that you feel. No one should jump right into another relationship after such a painful seperation. I think going through a seperation/divorce is almost like going through the death of a friend-this may sound weird but what i mean is when you get a divorce you are losing that person. You grieve the loss of the relationship-the good times-the person whom you fell in love with. You must focus on yourself and your girls (which it sounds like you are doing). Once you get your life and emotions back to "normal" then you can worry about finding a partner. 37 is not too old to find a partner and don;t worry about having 2 little girls there are plenty of women out there who would accept and appreciate those girls. It is hard to start over especially when you have been with someone for so long. It is almost like you do not know where to start. Keep your head up!!!!!
In some ways for me coping with divorce is worse than coping with death. At least death gives you some closure. The reason I moved out is because my girls are 7 and 5 and I did not want to disrupt their home. They have their friends in the neighborhood and I did not want to move them away from that. I just kind of swallowed my pride on that one. I am just trying to do what I think is best for my two little girls. They are going to stay in the house and I am going to get half of the equity in the house and then my EX will have to refinance. I plan on getting a small townhouse about 10 to 15 minutes from where my kids are once I get my money. I am currently staying with my Mom and Dad.
One day my EX is going to regret her actions but I don't worry about revenge or anything because God will take care of me. I don't need or want my EX anymore. It is really weird for me to even say that but she does not appreciate me and I am not being fair to myself if I don't just move on.
I do have to commend you for looking after your girls' best interest by letting them stay in their same house. You are right--it is tough enough for mom & dad not to live in the same house and then if they have to move, it will only make things tougher for them.
May I suggest that you look into getting some therapy for you or at least a divorce support group? You are really angry right now and focused on what your wife did to you. I am sympathetic because my 1st DH left me after 13 yrs of marriage & we had 2 kid together. He didn't have an affair, and frankly, I don't even know why he wanted a div. I was really angry & depressed. It was hard to take care of 2 kids, ages 7 & 1, by myself, but he did see the kids about every other day. At that time, he worked the overnight shift and I worked more of a 9-5 so he could pick up the kids from school a couple of days a week, plus see them on weekends. I have never prevented him from seeing the kids every time he wanted to so it's almost like we have joint custody, although they slept at my house except on weekends. The thing is, that no matter how angry I was at him, I realized that the kids needed to see that their parents could get along and not say bad things to each other or fight in front of the kids--that is very scary for them. So right now, you feel that you don't even want to talk to your ExW, but since you are both parents of the same children, you will need to get over that eventually if you want your kids to grow up to be healthy. My ex and I go to the parent-teacher confs. together, go to all school events, when my DD was playing soccer, he came to all the games. Now our kids are 19 & 13 and I have to say they are very well adjusted. We take our DD to college and move her in together--we don't have to take separate cars, so eventually the anger will go away. When we had to take a "Parents Apart" course to get divorce, they say that the stages you go through in a divorce are the same stages you go through when someone dies and anger is one of the first stages. You can look that up, I'm sure.
And you are pretty young, so it is possible to meet someone again and be happy. Both my 1st DH & I got remarried in our 40's. I met my 2nd DH at Parents without Partners, so obviously, there are a lot of people out there in the same boat. But I would say that what women don't want is someone who carries a lot of anger toward their ex, so you are right that you aren't ready for another relationship now & you should work on healing first.