men and women help!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-31-2008
men and women help!!
2
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 10:39am

I am 25 yrs old-my b/f of 4 1/2 yrs is 28. I am having lots of issues and need advice from men and women.


I will try to make this short and sweet i will list the pros and cons and maybe you can help me figure out if i am wasting my time with him.


pros: he is stable in his career, he comes home every night after work, he buys groceries, great sex, he's gorgeous,

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 10-31-2008 - 11:56am

if i ask him do you see yourself ever getting married to anyone or having children in the future he will not talk about it or says i dont know,

This is the thing that is most bothersome to me. You can't really have a good relationship if the other person won't communicate with you. By his actions, he is telling you that he really is happy staying in the relationship the way it is. By 4.5 yrs w/ someone, I think you should have a good idea if you want to marry them or not, even if you decide that you want to get married, but not for a couple of years. I think you need to decide clearly what you want to do and act on that. I have a friend who was in her early 20's and going out w/ a guy 25 yrs older who had never been married. She told him that she didn't want to end up spending her whole young child-bearing year w/ him and then to find out that he never wanted to get married. So she basically told him that if he wasn't willing to get married & have kids, she was going to break up w/ him. Then she went on vacation for a week w/ the girls. They did end up getting married & having kids because he realized he didn't want to lose her. It does sound kind of unfair to give him an ultimatum, but if you think he is never going to say anything, you might have to do it. But first, you have to think of what you want. You say you are in college now, when are you going to graduate? Maybe you think to yourself that by the time you graduate, you need to know where you stand. You might have job offers in different cities,etc. So you sit down w/ him (after you have decided) and have this kind of conversation --

Sweetie, I have thought a lot about what I want for my future and when I graduate in June, I would really like to know if I have a commitment from you to get married. Getting married & having kids is very important to me and I would like to know if it's important to you too. If it's not, then I don't want to force you to do anything you don't want to do, but then I will need to know so I can find someone who does want those things." (Do I sound like Dr. PHil here?) Then you have told him what you want, given him a time frame to think about it, then you don't nag him or bring it up again until the time has gone by. But then you can't accept an "I don't know" answer from him, or if he continues to say "I don't know" then you can figure that you probably aren't going to end up getting married cause he can't commit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Thu, 11-06-2008 - 10:35am

So.... let me ask you this.


Karen ~ wildlucky4me ~