help with separation
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| Sat, 11-01-2008 - 9:59pm |
I posted this on betrayed spouses board but think it is better for me to post here.
My husband and I separated and immediately he found someone. He went on 3 dates with her but claimed that he never even kissed her. they were more like a support group for each other (she is newly separated). the entire time he continued come over and sleep with me. the night before my daughters birthday party he took the woman out for a ride in my canoe (he bought it for mothers day) to my favorite place. he told me that he would stop by my house on the way home with things for the party. He never cae over. Thankfully my friend came over to help. then the next day he called 1/2 hour before the party told me he slept over her house. but nothing happenned. I couldn't breathe. I carried on with all the little girls and he looked so anxious. he stayed at my house that evening and the following week. we made love almost every night. he still insisted he never slept with her. He said he wanted to let her down easy and would slow down the texting. well I found out that the entire week he was staying home he texted her about 30 x per day and she texted him as well. He kept saying well I did nothing wrong because we are separated. He also said he was having trouble letting go of he as she is in his thoughts constantly and he does not know how to stop thinking of her.
a week later he finally confessed that he did have sex with her. he swore that he used protection. I wanted to believe him however upon the 12th questioning of this he admitted he did not. I was so upset that he would put me at risk. he claimed that she must be safe as she just left a long marriage. I pointed out that any woman who would sleep with you after 4 dates and has a whole lot of favorites on a dating website probably is not the most discriminating woman and he is not special. He was infuriated as he thinks that he means a lot to her and that she wouldn't give it up for anyone.....can we say denial here.
Anyhow I still want him. he agreed to break up with her. He told me he sent her an email and did so. we were going to work it out. Now here we are a week later and he tells me he still thinks of her and just wants to get in touch "as a friend' and that if I deny him that then I am just prolonging the separation.
I don't know what to do. we do get along. we even had a great date however I hate that he tells me that everything reminds him of her. He also said it took a long time for him to decide to leave and now he is not sure he could trust coming back that we would fix things between us (me being very critical)
Does anyone here think that he could possibly be in love with her this quickly? Is there a chance that he might really come back? I don't know what to do. I have been kind, patient, giving and loving. I am so lost. Do men this far gone ever really come back?

No, I don't think your DH could be "in love" w/ someone new so quickly, I think he's in lust, plus there's always the excitement of someone new compared to someone you have been w/ for a while.
Frankly, I think your DH is being an insensitive jerk and you are making life way too easy for him, even though you want him back. Basically, it seems like he wants to have 2 women at once and so far, he's been able to have that. He goes out on dates w/ her & sleeps w/ her, then you let him come back home & have sex w/ him. He needs to make a decision--in or out of the marriage and if he's in, then he does have to cut off all contact w/ her. No question about it. Don't let him blame you or lay a guilt trip on you. Once they started up a romantic relationship, they aren't going back to being "friends". He's already told you that he's thinking about her constantly, so if they remain in contact, he will have a much harder time breaking off w/ her.
I understand you want him back, but at what cost to your self-esteem? If you say you are separated, does that mean you are living in diff. places (cause that's what it means to me). Tell him he has to think about what he wants, that it can't be both of you, and that if he wants to come back, he has to agree to certain conditions, one of which will be no contact w/ her (or any other women, as in "dates" cause you can't work on the marriage relationship and be dating other people at the same time) and you have to stop having sex w/ him until he makes a decision. Sometimes it seems that the guys only want to come back once their wives get fed up and file for divorce, then they get scared that the marriage is actually over.