Anger

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Anger
9
Thu, 07-19-2007 - 12:28pm
I was looking at some very old posts on the PTSD board today, and stumbled across a thread on anger. It has made me lift an eyebrow why this particular thread caught my attention just right now (I had looked at a lot of old threads), and why, just a couple of hours after, Harriet Lerner's book The Dance of Anger also caught my eye. I'd stuffed it into a slot in the old secretary desk that I never use, and covered it with a lot of paper (yes, clearly trying to bury it). Apparently, someone's trying to tell me that I have some issues regarding anger that I need to resolve!



iVillage Member
Registered: 11-04-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Fri, 07-20-2007 - 3:47am

Such an interesting post!!!

I used to be good at handling anger and I say that because I rarely did get angry but lately, and I mean the last year or so, I find that I have more and more issues with anger. I snap much quicker nowadays and actually yell and scream at times.

As for coping with anger, I am still reying to find a way to do so. This is all pretty new to me.

My parents often got very angry themselves and even got physical at times.. We were brought up to fear their anger and in a way it made us very obedient and disciplined kids.

I feel out of control when angry. Like I am finally dropping the balls that I had been juggling.

As for people being angry at me, it is still something that I am very bad at handling. I cannot fathom the idea......

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Mon, 07-23-2007 - 11:35am
Are you good at handling your anger?
No. I keep it inside of me or I explode. Either way makes me feel bad. If I keep quiet I seethe. If I explode, I feel bad about it. I'm trying to find a way to express the feelings behind the anger.


How do you cope with anger?
In the past, badly. Right now, I take deep breaths to get rid of the initial heat (and to lower my blood pressure), and give myself a couple of hours to cool down so I can look at the situation with objective eyes.


What did you parents teach you on handling anger when you were a child, and when you were a teenager?
Hmm... interesting. I don't quite remember except my mother telling me that I oughtn't be angry with my brother. My mind is blank when is comes to my teenage years. I don't remember at all.


How did they themselves handle anger?
Quietly. My parents rarely fight or argue, whether between themselves or with other people.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2002
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Tue, 07-24-2007 - 12:25pm
Are you good at handling your anger?
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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Thu, 07-26-2007 - 4:41pm

Are you good at handling your anger?
I still do not like to get angry but when I do it doesn't control me like it has in the past. I sometimes do need to take a step back about an issues for a bit before I can address it reasonably with the appropriate person(s) but I always do.

How do you cope with anger?
Well - I dont 'like' being angry - I was angry at my Dad for far too many years and it colored by relationships not only with him, but with men in general and most notably with myself. I had no clue that I was misdirecting my anger at anyone and everyone else.

What did you parents teach you on handling anger when you were a child, and when you were a teenager?

My Dad was an avoider - and my Mom usually resorted to blowing up at him when he came back home - thus there was a lot of tension. I learned to avoid too - silent seething, beating myself up, blowing up at the wrong person for something really ridiculous - I never told my parents how angry I was at them both for hte divorce and the things that lead to it - not until about 5 or so years ago.

How does feeling angry make you feel?
oout of control mostly - but not nearly like before - now mostly I consider if I'm angry at something real or imagined - and if so why/ Before - I couldn't see past just being mad - of course there are days when I've had it and I usually have a screaming fit at God - sometimes I vent to a good friend - but mostly I just scream at God - and then I feel better.

Do you have a temper? Do you control your temper? Do you deny your temper?
I think everyone has a 'temper' but some have tempers that are more apparent than others. I do not 'control' my temper nor does it control me - if I get angry about something I'm angry about it. I've learned to consider what I'm angry about more often and then decide what to do - sometimes I can't and just express what I'm feeling. I can't control my feelings any more than i can control the weather - I feel what I feel. What I can control is how I respond to them - that is what I try to do with anger - respond to it in a constructive, loving respectful manner. Exploding doesn't fit into that very well! ;)

How do you handle it when someone is angry at you?
I usually feel bad - esp if it is well deserved - I also feel bad when its misdirected. I usually bristle right back and my first inclination is to blow up back at them, but that doesn't help anyone. I have had better luck with holding my tongue while they go off - and try to consider their position - if it was completely unwarranted, I'll speak to them later - and when I've done this - we usually end up ok. I had more than a few opportunities with my most recent SO - he was more likely to hold it in and then blow - but the situation was diffused when I refused to bite and react. We actually talked about what was going on more often when this happened.

How does it make you feel when someone is angry, and when someone is angry at you?

yes - natural response but it doesn't mean I have to join anyone in their anger. I'm better at not doing this.

Yes -I've worked a lot on my anger issues. Being angry is a normal healthy emotion - the ways it can be expressed is what is often unhealthy. There is a great workbook called 'the anger workbook' that is really good at helping you work through your anger. I highly recmmend it. Its ok to be angry and to let the person you are angry at now it. In fact trusting them to handle your anger is a part of love and respect for them....:)

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 11:50am
Have you ever looked back at all the times that you were angry to see what the common denominator(s) is/are? Maybe that will help you see what's behind the anger.



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:00pm
(((((((((Diana)))))))))



iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 12:09pm
Wow Toni, it certainly looks like you have done enormous work with anger and the issues surrounding it. Congratulations. I am sure that whilst it must not have been easy work to do, the pay offs have been tremendous for you.



iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-1999
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Sun, 07-29-2007 - 9:21pm

I have done a lot of work and I am proud to have made the progress I have - its always a progress though! I am certainly more willing to feel what I feel head on rather than avoid it

This weekend I have felt very sad - hormone driven by PMS - but I have been very sad about the recent end to my relationship - I really miss him and the things I hoped for with him, I miss my Dad, I miss the things that I want in my life and do not have yet, many things - and it all just welled up so I had several good cries. I've just allowed myself to feel it all this weekend - and called a good friend and shared it with her - and had a nice dinner with my Mom and have been comforting myself with the activities and thoughts that usually make me smile. The sadness will pass.....but for now - its here.

the Anger Workbook by Les Carter PhD & Dr. Frank Minirth. its a 13 step workbook - and forces you to deal with thigs that many of us would rather avoid. It is based on biblical principles and scripture.

Toni

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: cl_libelulle
Mon, 07-30-2007 - 2:56pm

As you said, your sadness will pass but in the meantime you are mourning and processing.

(((((hugs)))))

We are on a similar yet not quite parallel path. I've been listening to podcasts by Debbie Ford and Wyatt Webb lately on HayHouseRadio.com and I've been getting some ideas - things to think about and process in my own way and pace.

Thanks for the author names. I'll add that to the Anger thread in the Treasure Chest.


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