What does it take?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
What does it take?
13
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 3:44am
Why is it that men are interested in me and not my child? He is a good boy and is very sweet. I very rarely have encounters with men, but, if i do I am careful not to involve my son. I don't want him to think that this person to think that this person is gonna be "daddy". I dated one man a few years ago who told me that it could be so nice if it were just me and him and asked me if I would consider sending my son to live with his father. Needless to say, I didn't see him again. My son's father is no where to be found and I have seen one man that I only introduced my son to as a friend (and did not let my son believe that there was anything more). This man was good to me but didn't pay much attention to my son. We are not together any more. Don't men understand that if they get involved with a woman with a child that it usually isn't "just the two of us". My son wants a "daddy" so bad.

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Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:54am
Men look to date you and you look for men who are willing to accept and tolerate your child but not "date" you AND your child. Make sense?

My boyfreind and I have a understanding - he has kids and so do I but I am not looking to be mommy to his kids and he isnt looking to be daddy to mine.

if you are looking for a "daddy" - I am sorry but that cannot be a motive to find a date. That will turn most men off.

HUGS - I know it hurts but the point is to find a partner for YOU - that loves YOU above all else.

lizbeth


Edited 6/26/2004 11:55 am ET ET by lizbeth30

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 1:40pm
I am definately not looking for a dad for my son nor would I put that kind of pressure on a man. It just seems that even when they know that you have a child, they don't expect to have to include the child. I'm just confused as to where they are coming from sometimes. LOL.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 5:45pm
I have not found that to be a problem as of yet. I wonder if you are trying to include your child in your activities with your date or push him into the picture too soon?

I have a big network of babysitters and my DS has a lot of his own activities and neighbor friends so he is busy. And I never introduce him to anyone unless it is serious.

PLUS he has strict instructions not to "take over my playdate" - that is funny - I had to talk to him once because he wanted all of the attention with one of my boyfriends who came to dinner. I told my DS that it is great if he has dinner and talks to us but then he needs to let us have our time to talk, too. I asked him if he would like me to come in his room and take away his playdate. We both had a laugh!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:15am

Hi Camille, welcome to our board!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:57pm

Welcome to the board.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 12:04pm
Good men are out there. They are. I know sometimes when you are in the middle of a bunch of dorks - it's hard to believe that. Have faith!

I have to echo one of the other posters. How old are you? How old are the men you've been dating? Also - how old is your son?

And - one suggestion - as for your son wanting a daddy so bad - you should REALLY check into Big Brothers and Sisters. My husband was a big brother to a little boy of a single mom, and my son's godfather is currently a big brother to two little boys, 6 and 9 - who are the sons of a single mom. Surround your son with good, positive male role models either through Big Brothers and Sisters, Boy Scouts, or a church group of some kind.

Best wishes to you! And be patient - finding the right man takes time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 12:11pm
I have to respectfully disagree.

While dating - I wasn't looking for a daddy for my son. I was looking to have a good time.

When my good time turned into something that I thought could be lasting - you better believe I was looking for a good daddy. While my son spends half the year with his daddy and is surrounded by wonderful men who love him - any man that is going to be my husband is going to be his step-daddy. 1/2 of the year he's going to be with us, living under our roof, and my husband is going to be raising him along with me. My son will have to respect him - just like he respects his own dad. My husband will have to love him and cherish him and put his NEEDS and SECURITY higher than his own - just as he would if he were his "REAL" son. A man that wasn't interested in spending the next 15 years of his life raising my son with me didn't get my time or my attention.

It bothers me when I hear women say "I'm not looking for a daddy" - well, in my opinion, you should be, because if you get married, that is the role he will be taking on. You better hope you picked a man comfortable with that role - otherwise - prepare to be part of the "75% of second marriages where children are involved fail" - statistic.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:53pm
I've been dating a man for 4+ months and I don't have any idea when I will introduce him to my son. My boyfriend would meet my son, but I don't want that. I want to keep things separate. I actually had to explain to my boyfriend that I think he's a great guy and my unwillingness to introduce him to my son doesn't mean that I don't think he's great. I want to develop a relationship with my boyfriend separate from my son and get to know each other without that added strain. I tell my boyfriend what's going on with my son...the good and the bad, so he knows what life is like for me. He can't really know me unless he knows the "mom" side of me.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 3:00pm
You should absolutely develop your relationship with your boyfriend first. My son only met one of the dozens of men I dated, and I married him. But I didn't wait too long (too long for ME) to introduce the two of them, and to see how the two of them interacted, because I knew there would be no future with a man who wasn't interested in being a step-parent, who didn't like my child, or who my child hated. And I didn't want to be a year into a relationship only to realize, once my son was involved, that it wouldn't work out after all.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 3:57pm
I was in the same arguement that I wanted a great guy who liked my son, but was not looking for a *daddy*. But after awhile, I realized, WHY NOT? The man I would be with would inevitably step into that role if we were to be married, so why not be looking for someone willing to be a role model.

You need to decide what it is you want and put it upfront with the guys you date. If you are ulimately looking for a good father figure/ husband, you need to make sure the guy you're dating is aware of that. I don't mean saying to him, "well I'm actually looking for a husband today...." but to be honest to them. Telling them that while it's great to have a relationship with someone, you and your son are a package deal and if he KNOWS that he will not be wanting a relationship with your son, let you know now. Don't waste your time or his. Being upfront that any relationship with you will lead to requiring a relationship with your son will save you from dating someone who is not interested in kids.

Good luck

Alison

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