New here, intro and question....

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Registered: 03-27-2003
New here, intro and question....
10
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 5:05pm
Hi everyone, I am so glad I have finally found a board for women in the same position as myself! I have been divorced for 1.5 years (married 12), and I have four children (12,11,9 and 2.5). I met the most wonderful man in the world about six months ago, and we have been inseperable ever since. I am madly in love and he feels exactly the same way...thankfully! Richard is wonderful with the kids, and they all adore him to no end. Life, as far as that is concerned, is absolutely perfect! We both know it is early, but neither of us have ever felt this kind of a connection with any one else before, so it really does seem that he fell from heaven. The main problem I have is I am so insecure on certain topics because of everything I went through with my ex! He cheated on me, and filled months with nothing but lies, and put me through so much mental abuse, that it is so hard now for me to trust! I do trust Richard, but at the same time I am totally insecure when it comes to his ex girlfriend, and just stupid stuff like that! We can talk about everything, so he understands what I'm feeling, and is very supportive and comforting. I just feel like such a child when I let my emotions get out of control on me! I have even checked his cell phone and e-mail once (things I hate others to do to me), but I did tell him immidiately the next day!

I am having trouble seperating the fact that Richard is not the one that hurt me and that I do not need to be suspicious of him, he has never done anything to even make me suspicious!

Maybe this was more of a vent? Is this a normal reaction after divorce? What can I do to help gain control of my feelings? Normally I am such a strong, independant woman, so this feeling of being out of control is driving me nuts! Has anyone been through something like this, and have any words of wisdom for me? Also, any book reccomendations would be greatly appreciated?

I hope to be hanging out here a lot now that I have possibly found a niche that I fit in? I have been a part of the Nov moms 2001 board for three years, and though they are all wonderful ladies, all of them are married and leading a different life than I do, so many times I feel out of the loop over there. I'm hoping this will be a place I can call home!

Stacy

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 5:33pm

Hi Stacy, it's great to have you here!

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 5:36pm
These books helped me:
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Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 06-26-2004 - 11:13pm
Hi Stacy,

I am coming to Sweden (Borlange) on Monday! I hope the weather will get a little warmer.

Anyway, I like Maggie's suggestions and her list of books. I agree with her that you need to get your confidence back. I read a lot of books and went to counseling as well and that helped a lot.

But there was one more thing I did that helped a lot. I wrote my whole story about my marriage and divorce down. I typed it in a word document. And I spent time editing it, adding to it, etc. I tried to have a positive end - to show what I learned and the positives I did get out of the relationship, namely my son.

For some reason it helped a lot to write it down. It made me realize I did the best I could with the circumstances with which I had to work. And it made the whole thing feel "at rest" or "at peace" now.

Another thing is that I have had the time to find myself again. For the most part I am enjoying my freedom and many new interests and friends. Sure, I do have a blue moment every now and again but these are so far and few between.

I really feel that I have a lot of things to offer someone now.

I hope this helps - welcome to our board!!

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Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 9:09pm

Hi!

Avatar for myprecioustwo
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Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:55am
Hi Stacy,

just wanted to welcome you to the board. I don't have anything further to add on getting over the past relationships. I still fight a few in my skeleton. However, as always, I think you got some great tips from the other ladies.

Glad we have another lady from Europe time zone. I live in Germany. Hope to hear from you again.

Take care,

Catherine

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Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:55pm
Does he still have contact with his ex girlfriend? Does he talk about you about her? My boyfriend has told me way too much about his ex girlfriends, but he's only still friends with one of them and I'm not threatenned by her. She has a live-in boyfriend and she doesn't see my boyfriend. They just very rarely exchange emails.

Men seem to like to talk about their ex girlfriends. I've found this to be especially true of men who have never been married or don't have kids. I think it's an ego boost for them, but we hate it.

If he talks about her too much, I'd tell him that you'd rather not discuss it. I find my boyfriend will bring up an old girlfriend whenever I mention my ex husband. But, I can't completely avoid my ex husband because we share a child together. If Richard still talks to his ex girlfriend, I can see how that would make you jealous. You'd have to look at how and why they broke up.

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:34pm
Thanks for the understanding, and advice. Yes he 'was' still talking to his ex girlfriend, until he became aware of how much it bothered me (about once a week). 'He' has chosen to put her on the backburner, even though I would never ask that of him. He lets me know whenever there is any kind of contact between them, and for the most part I believe him, but occasionally I wonder because of all the lies I went through with my ex?

She is the only woman he has ever lived with, and the reason for the break up two years ago was that they had grown apart! Of course I hate that answer, but I've heard the whole story, and I have to accept that. There are two main reasons for my insecurity with her.

#1: One week after Richard and I had slept together for the first time, he had went to the city where he used to live (and she lives), and had gone out with friends and spent the night there. Several weeks/months later through normal conversation I became suspisious of where he had slept. So, upon asking him directly (while we were in bed talking), I got an absolute lie out of his mouth. I knew it was a lie! I immidiately turned off the lights and decided I needed to sleep on it and deal with it in the morning. Within 30 seconds he turned the lights back on, and told me the truth. He had stayed the night at her apt on the couch (unplanned-he had missed the train home). I believe him, yet I still felt betrayed and hurt...and obviously very untrustful. He said that it was hard for him to ever talk about her because he knew how much it upset me, and he didn't want to do that.

#2: We had shared a bottle of wine one night, early in out dating, but before the above incident with the lie had occured, and he got a little tipsy and went on to talk about her for a good 20 minutes. It was all just in a general sort of way, but it really bothered me. After carrying on for 20 min, he finally said "why am I talking about her for?". HELLO????? That's what I'd like to know?

Other than that they haven't had much contact that I know of. I was putting my ds to sleep one evening and when I came upstairs he was talking to her on his cell (she had called him). I heard part of what they had been talking about, and I was in the conversation...they seemed just like friends. There was one other incident when I searched his cell phone, where he had called her the day after I had left the country on vacation. I was away for 8 days, but as far as I know they had not talked at all the 2-3 weeks prior to me leaving, yet he called her right after I left? His answer was that she had called him the day before, and the next day his phone rang, it showed her number but no one was there, so he called her back and she said she must of accidentally hit redial, because he was the last number dialled in her phone from the day before. I believe him, but at the same time I feel very naive, and that maybe I trust people too easily?

He has told me that she often turns to him with her problems, and with money issues and he helps out when he can (this was right before I met him). I have tried to point out that he plays a role in supporting her also, and I find the whole situation threatening.

Am I over reacting?????

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:41pm
Thanks, that is some great advice! I am going to try the journaling, hopefully that helps. I didn't realize it but you're right, my self confidence is shattered, how could it not be considering what I went through? It will take time, but you're right I need to leave the past in the past...easier said than done.

Stacy

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Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:45pm
Thanks Mggie, I'm going to look into the books. I have read many already, and I do find they help, but I am seriously considering therapy as well. Thanks for the advice!

Stacy

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Thu, 07-01-2004 - 12:24pm

"He has told me that she often turns to him with her problems, and with money issues and he helps out when he can (this was right before I met him). I have tried to point out that he plays a role in supporting her also, and I find the whole situation threatening.

Am I over reacting?????"

No, you're not over-reacting.