Need some pointers from the veterans

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Need some pointers from the veterans
18
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 7:36am

Hi!


I bet it seems I've fallen off the face of the earth.




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 10:25am

Hi Mandy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 3:53pm
Hi Mandy,

It does seem like you have your hands full!!

I can give you a few tips on what works with me and my son to get better behavior:

1) Be consistent with his routine. Up in the morning, room clean, teeth brushed, good breakfast. No cereal with sugar!!

2) Better food - 3 square meals with fruits, vegetables, whole grains. Very little junk food, fatty food or sugary food. Treats are okay - we bake cookies and have a candy jar. No juice or sugary drinks - we drink water or real juice or milk. Snacks are from the refrigerator - not the pantry - yogurt, fruit, leftover pasta, smoothies, etc.

3) More mommy time. I find that my son's behavior is directly in line with the amount of time and patience that I have. If I am very busy I try to have a good babysitter play fun things with him.

4) Less TV. Whenever he watches too much TV his personality changes and it is not for the better.

5) More creative time/down time. I find that when he is forced to entertain himself, without TV or computer, he finds the most amazing creative quiet projects. Today he was making snails, pizza, pie and bananas out of silly putty. But at first he protested - I always tell him that bored is his own decision.

6) Whenever he watches TV or movies, I am very picky - nothing violent.

7) I am picky about who he plays with.

8) To bed on time.

9) Catch him doing something right - I try to use more praise than discipline. I also tell him what is expected of him each day and bribe him whenever I can.

10) Be involved in a lot of sports/athletic activities. Right now we are on the swim team. A 45 minute workout in the pool mellows him out for sure. If you can't do this maybe you can ride bikes together or go on walks together. I used to put my son on his bike and take him out while I ran 5 to 10 miles. It was great for both of us.

Maggie may have a point with counseling, too.

Hope this helps.


Edited 6/27/2004 3:55 pm ET ET by weston1745

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 8:47pm

Hi Mandy


First off, glad you posted!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Sun, 06-27-2004 - 11:50pm
No ideas but big (((((((HUGS))))))) I have a 2.5 yr old and I would DIE if she acted like this at that age. What my mom would tell you (which pretty much means you have to have your life revolve around him) is if he starts to be like that in a public place leave no matter what. And then ground him. Spanking only works on kids 3 and under.

I hope things get better for you. Try to enjoy your month off. It sounds like he can't get much worse. Who knows - maybe after being with dad for a month he might appreciate you more - here's to hoping!

So are you not in Hawaii anymore then? Does my memory serve me right?

Laura

Avatar for mandymi
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 4:21am

Thanks.




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 6:51am
Hi Mandy,

It is great that you bought board games and had quality time. We find that cards help too - there are really fun, easy card games and we even take those to dinner with us. You might also spend time reading together - my son loves it when we curl up together and read a silly book.

Don't worry about time with the dad. I find that wears off in a day. When he comes home, be prepared to drop everything and just spend time enjoying him and making him feel loved and appreciated.

My son used to be very mad when he came home from his dad's house. I went bananas with this until I figured out why. I asked him, "are you just sad and mad that all of your fun time with dad has ended?" He started crying and said, "yes." So I tried to make him see that he does have a great dad and they do such fun things. But I also explained that daddy has to work and travel and that they will play again. In the mean time we will have our fun, too. It helps if they can just chill a bit in their room or sit with you and snuggle for a bit.

Also, it sounds as though you harbor a lot of bad feelings towards your ex. You have to be careful not to project those when your DS is near you. Of course I have issues with my ex or I would not be divorced. But I have put those away and just try to stay in the present and have little contact with my ex. I always tell my son how lucky he is to have such a great dad - his dad is the Disney World dad for sure. But I look at this like it is great because he has a lot more patience to entertain him and I enjoy the break. Any dad that spends time with their kid is a great dad - we cannot push our values on the dad, only to appreciate whatever they do.

The best book, in my humble opinion, is "How to Raise an Emotionally Intelligent Child" by John Gottman. You will find a link here:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684838656/foodandhealth/104-1946735-5141518

And also:

The Discipline Book: How to Have a Better-Behaved Child From Birth to Age Ten by Dr. Sears

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0316779032/foodandhealth/104-1946735-5141518

Good luck!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 12:43pm
I wouldn't push aside the school yard bully thing so lightly. I started having the same sort of problems with my ds, and the root cause? The bully! Suddenly this child came to the daycare who had no social skills, had never been to daycare and I believe has a violent home life. His parents instilled no values in him. He showed up and started saying to the other kids, "if you don't do as I say, I will kill you." Or, "if you don't do as I say, my mom will kill your mom" Well the other kids were intimidated by this child and started mimicking his behaviour. It took a little to figure out what was going on, but eventually the kids started getting upset with him threatening thier parents and started telling the daycare staff. Now the kids don't play with this kid, and they will tell you in front of him, "no one plays with him, he's a bully." It's sad, but this kid has no proper structure at home. He's also 80 lbs at 4 yrs old. His lunch box is nothing but garbage. He's got high blood pressure from being obese. It's terrible.

What you do need to do is give him some special one on one time. 5 mins of your undivided attention will work wonders. If he's acting out, take him out of there. I know it's hard to leave a store/ restaurant/ appointment when you need to get things done, but he has to understand that you cannot have him behave that way. My son usually gets a gumball from the machine at the mall, but if he does not behave I walk right past it. Of course he throws a bigger fit, but I remind him that it was HIS choice not to listen when we were in the store, so he better remember the next time. Then the next time, I will remind him before going in that he lost his gumball last time.

Of course when he's with his dad, he will be spoiled. But when he comes back, spoil him with your love and time. You do not have to spoil him with gifts. Take him to the park, go swimming, go hiking, play a video game at the arcade. Point is, you will have to spend the time to get him back to his happy place, and wanting to receive the positive reinforcement. When he's not behaving, walk away, ignore him, go start something in the other room. Tell him you need to be alone, that you do not wish his company while he's in that mood. If you're out in public, stop what you're doing and leave. It's going to be rough, but it will be worth it if you're consistent. They need to test how far they can go and the less you give in, the easier it will be.

Good luck

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:08pm
MHO about couseling for such a young child is that is makes them feel different and isn't good. If you can avoid it I would. It sounds like he just needs some stability in his life. I would try to spend as much time with him one-on-one as I could. Do things will him. Things that I do with Alyse is take her to the beach and lok for shells, go to museums, the zoo, park, bike-riding, farms and other field trips. I try to make things interesting for her. I let her play in the kitchen and make a huge mess. I let her paint, use clay, and I will let her build models and things too when she can. I even let her cut little pieces of paper all the time and believe me - that is a mess. There are a lot of things besides talking and coloring you can do with your son. I think ivillage has a "creativeparenting" board? you might get some ideas there. That would be my suggestion instead of therapy. And I think getting him into some classes woudl be great - even maybe gymnastics or something. And look at this as a time to bond more with him. I so know how hard it is but above anything else it is the most important thing.

I hope things get better soon. Your ex sounds so typical. The small amount of time my ex was in my daughter's life it used to creep me out how he didn't see her as a person but as a thing to be shown off. It was sickening.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 2:59pm
Sorry I don't have advice, only lots of empathy. Your son sounds a lot like my 5-yr-old son. I think it's a phase a lot of 5-yr-old boys go through. You have to be very consistent with the rules. Even still, I can't take my son shopping about 80% of the time because he'll embarrass the heck out of me. We'll get in a store and he'll start running around in circles or flop noodle to the floor for no reason at all. I don't get it. I'm not looking forward to kindergarten because I know I'll be getting lots and lots of calls from the school.

Good luck. I did read the "Strong-Willed Child" by Dr. Dobson. That helped some, but it is a Christian book geared toward a 2-parent home.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 5:47pm

Hi Mandy,


It sounds like you've got some good ideas in action.

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