Please Help I don't know what to do!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Please Help I don't know what to do!!!
5
Mon, 06-28-2004 - 8:32pm
HI ladies, I'm new to this site and I have a severe problem. I really hope you can help me!! Okay, I'm a 28yr old single mother and I've been secretly dating a younger man for about a year. The reason it's been a secret is because about two months into us just dating each other he told me that he had something to tell me. That befor we met he was baptized into his religion and that he wasn't allowed to date outside of it. I was in shock, but we got along so well, I didn't want to let go. My family was the same religion years ago, and I had been recently studying it too, but there were some problems. One that I was still legally married even though I had been seperated for 5 years, and two that I wasn't baptized myself. I got more into the religion when I realized he was in it, for hopes that we can make this work. Well, almost a year later, his family is still unaware of me, and no one else knows. He lives with his parents- he's 23. But, I can't hide anymore. Okay, about a month ago he went out with his friends, and became angry that I couldn't go because I didn't have a babysitter, so he stated he was going elsewhere. I've never thought of him as someone who would cheat, but I had suspicions about one girl who I knew he found attractive. But anyway, nothing more was said, and he wound up coming to my house that night. But this past weekend, I went out with a few friends and he was there. Then we went out to breakfast and it just so happened that the girl was there with a few friends too. She overheard me in the bathroom questioning about him, so when I came out, I asked her about it and she said yes. So I cam out and started a fight with him in front of his church friends. They of course had no idea we were together so they thought I was just drunk or something. I confronted him and he said he has not been seeing this other woman. I left and he came to my house begging for me to be with him. But I don't know what to think. I mean, if he was hiding with me, why can't he with someone else right? Ladies, to be honest, this man has made me happier in the last year than I have ever been in my whole life, and I'm scared to lose that. There's nothing he wouldn't do for me or my kids. But now he's saying that we are just hurting each other and that it's time we end it because he's scared his family is going to find out that we are seeing each other. He said he wants to be the one to tell him and that we should be apart meanwhile both better ourselves in our religion and maybe be together or good friends later. I don't know what to do. I know that's the right thing, but I don't want to let go. And I'm also questioning his faithfulness...I don't want to have a relationship with out trust. Please help. I don't think my heart can take this. I need real advice!! Please!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 9:12am
Hi! I am in a distantly similar position as I am a secret too - and I think one of the underlying reasons is religion (his mom) but my situation is different. I know all his friends and one sister and I have met his mom - even though shedoesn't know we still date. He told his dad about me recently but not indetail. I have told him that I want to meet his dad in August at this function we should all go to and otherwise it is spiltsville - been over a year.

Anyways, now that you have my qualifications to speak on this particulat situation lol - here is what I think you are saying. He really hasn't told anyone at ALL about you? Dump him. Dump him now. This is the reason....all this time he has been making you feel like you are not good enough - whether you "understand" or not that is what has happened and this type of thing can sneak up on you. Like a person in an abusive relationship. By not actively doing SOMETHING (even small steps forward) he has used you - even if that is not his intention. If right now he says he needs distance then give it to him in SPADES. If he really does love you he will come back.

I personally am not that religious and I can't understand anyone that is fanatical about htings like that (to me what you have said about him is fanatical) He is young and he needs to learn that God - in any religion - wants him to be HAPPY. ANd no one can decide that but himself. And if he isn't happy no one can make him happy.

Am I making sense? The point is if you make him happy he has to decide to be with YOU. If he doesn't then it is HIS loss. But you need to move on girl either way. If his nads drop then you have yourself something to cry over. But you won't because he won't make you cry! -Got that adivce here a while ago and that is true.

And lastly HE doesn't make you happy. If you are looking ot him to do that you are looking in the wrong direction :)

((((((HUGS)))))) and welcome to the board!

Laura

PS - no more public outbursts! That just shows how miserable you REALLY are. And also if you don't trust him - forget it too. I have I given you enough reasons??? LOL.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:27am

Hi. Welcome to the board. I am glad you found us!


I am so sorry you are having to go through this. Betrayal is such a hurtful thing. And a relationship built on lies and betrayal's is no kind of relationship.


I understand that you are saying he makes you happier than anyone ever has. I am sure that

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:57am

Hi there, welcome to this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:16pm
At 28 and a single mom, you are in a TOTALLY different place than a 23 year old. You need stability, reliability and responsibility. You don't need another child. I'm sure all the attention you have received from this guy in the last year has been fun, but is it a serious relationship? The answer is no. This guy is treating you like a mistress. It's fun for him, he can go and have sex with this older woman and it's exciting, since it's his little secret. But do you guys go out and do stuff? I wouldn't want to be treated like a mistress and a secret. I would want my man to be proud to be with me, to want to do things with me in public, to not have to hide me. If he's so committed to his faith, then shouldn't he be dating inside it? He knows he will NEVER let you meet his family and friends. You deserve more than that.

He's 23. He still lives at home. You're 28. You don't have the luxury of living at home, you have a family to raise of your own. You say this guy would do anything for you and your children- except have a real relationship. He wants to be able to go over and have sex with you and then go on with his life. If that's all you think you deserve, then by all means, continue. But I don't believe that. I believe you and your kids deserve someone who will actually be there for you. Someone who will be proud to introduce you to everyone, happy to have you on thier arm.

So let go of this guy. You've had fun, now move on. Let him go and do his thing and you can open your heart to the endless possibilities. I understand fully your reluctance to let him go- I dated a 22 yr old last year, I was 26. You get caught up in the attention and can't stop to think about reality. The faster you break free of that, the faster you can have a real adult relationship.

Good luck, be strong, you deserve a real realtionship, not a one sided one.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:41pm
It doesn't sound like this guy is too stable. He should never make you feel bad for not having a babysitter. I think he is too young. This has long been my theory..men aren't even remotely stable until they are at least 28.

If your guy is asking for space, give him plenty of space. I bet, he'll come back eventually. They ALL come back, especially the young ones. But, you would be better off if you never took him back. Give yourself some space and start checking out some other men. There are good ones out there. There is a man who will introduce you to his family, not cheat on you, and understand your responsibilities as a parent....oh yeah, and this unknown guy also will be mature and ready for a relationship and not need any time to "grow" as a person.