Update...Hurting...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Update...Hurting...
7
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 12:59pm
Hi

Last week I was hurting becuse of what a guy I was interested had done...reposted his pic on the online service that we met on.

I was angry and hurt and sent him an email telling him that..and asking him what he was doing.

I later called and in speaking with him...he said that we were going too fast...and that we needed to talk.

We didn't wind up talking that night because his brother called and was crying with him on the phone. The next night he called to tell me about that...we didn't discuss us. He IM'd/called me all week, asking me if I wanted to go on a group outing with him and his children as well as mine...and also if I wanted to go on a group adult outing in August.

I said ok...thinking that we were going to be just friends.

In talking later on in the week, he asked if he could come over on Sun. night...he was going to get a sitter!!!??? I said ok...thinking that we were going to have our "chat"

He told me that he couldn't committ to anything...however, when I said "What about our having a monogamous friendship?", he asked what I meant. I informed him that we would take things on a daily basis, but would not see other people.

He agreed to this quite quickly...kissed me and said it was time to go home. We had just finished watching a comedy, and it was getting late.

Am I crazy, or did he just "COMMITT" to something?

Jennifer

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 1:37pm

He just committed to deciding on a daily basis if you are who he wants to be with.


This means, if he sees someone more interesting one day, he doesn't have to worry because he only has a daily committment with you and he's "off the hook" w/in 24 hours. This means if you hit a bad PMS day and piss him off, he can walk because you have a daily commitment and he's "off the hook" within 24 hours.


It sounds to me like what you have agreed to is not dating someone else on the same day

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:42pm
First, how long have you been dating this guy? Is this a relatively new relationship where expecting someone to committ is realistic? Did you both agree to take your ads down and not date other people? Or did you assume that was the case without discussing it?

If it were me, I would not try to read between the lines here and really take what he told you at face value. He can't committ to anything right now, period.

What is a monogamous friendship? Is that like friends with benefits? Ofcourse he is going to agree to that, why wouldn't he?

IS that what you want? If the answer is no, then don't be anything BUT friends with him, until you both figure out what you want.

Good luck!





Edited 6/29/2004 2:43 pm ET ET by orange_clouds

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 2:55pm
Hi Becky

You are right of course...

I didn't want to ask for more than that because I knew what his answer would be and I didn't want to hear it.

Why should I let this guy have his cake and eat it too? I believe that I connceted so quickly with him becuse I saw the same hurt and pain that I felt, reflected back at me...unfortunately for him...he isn't ready to come to terms with it and heal.

I am.

He didn't call me/IM me last night...and that was very telling to me...like he was backing off already, even though he hadn't really committed to anything.


I knew this of course before I posted it...just wanted some validation, I guess for what I ws feeling.

Thanks,

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-14-2004
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:10pm
Thank you...I haven't been dating him for long...3 weeks...and he took his profile down after I questioned him about it.



You are right...I just agreed to friends w/benefits...a situation that I'm not very comfortable with.

So I need to backtrack with him and either ask for what I want...or move on.


I just felt that we had connected on so many levels...but now realize that just becuse there is a connection...doesn't make for a relationship if either one of you is not ready.

He is not ready. Or is too afraid to move forward.

Thnk you,

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:24pm
Jennifer,

Did you really connect with him on a mental level, or did you just connect on the physical one? Attraction to someone can get in the way of our judgement and what we perceive as a *connection* is really only lust.

That said, you said you were hurt because he had reposted his picture on a web dating service. My question is, why did he take it down? Were the two of exclusive, did you have that conversation that you would only date each other? If not, then you were dating and there are no limits to how many people you can date unless you both agree on being exclusive.

Don't leave yourself open to being hurt by this guy. Go out and meet other guys and date them too. Dating does not mean that you have to sleep with every guy either. Dating means that you go out and learn about someone, and hopefully have a good time. If you're looking for a serious relationship, then you have to state that with someone when you first date them. If you're just into having a sex buddy, which I can tell you're not by your comments, then don't settle to be just that.

Just be friends. Or just leave him alone. Find someone who wants to be exclusive and have something serious. If you believe this guy is messed up from a previous relationship, then leave him get over it, you do not have to HELP him.

Good luck!'

Alison

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 3:30pm

Hugs Jen,


I know it's only been three weeks. A couple of things to try to remember to keep yourself "grounded" (hey, we all need that!)


What DO you want from this relationship? It is very important that you know this ahead of time.


Also, just because you share a similar hurt with someone doesn't mean that you should open yourself up to more hurt! Why should I let this guy have his cake and eat it too? I believe that I connceted so quickly with him becuse I saw the same hurt and pain that I felt, reflected back at me... Be very careful!


Hang in there! I understand needing validation/agreement for your feelings. Been there done that!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 4:32pm

Hi Jennifer, just like we discussed here last week, he's one of the many men that wants a friend to see occasionally for sex, without the relationship commitment.