Need opinions please...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Need opinions please...
23
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:05pm
Scenario: Woman is dating a wonderful man. It’s gotten to where both have serious feelings for each other and they have moved in together. He is very good to her, generous, faithful, spends most of his time with her, and when he’s not with her, she knows where he is and how to get a hold of him if necessary.

BUT:

He is VERY close friends with an ex-girlfriend from college. The story goes, he had a huge crush on her in high school, they were seriously involved all through college and almost got married but it didn’t work out. They realized they were better off as friends. They became really good friends and have stayed close ever since. They’ve known each other for almost half their lives. They know eachother's parents and families well too and inquire about them frequently. Their relationship has evolved into something platonic, yet strong…similar to a sister and brother. There are no romantic feelings whatsoever. They live three states apart now and keep in touch via phone and email on a monthly basis. Sometimes they send pictures of each other’s kids, pets, etc…

He disclosed his friendship to the woman when they first started to date exclusively and woman was ok with it. Now that they have moved in together, woman can’t handle it. She is insecure about it. She hasn’t demanded that he end the friendship, but has done everything short of that. Including complaining to him that he spends too much time on the phone with her (once a month to catch up), shouldn’t be sending pictures or mailing letters to her because it is “inappropriate” and just overall gets moody when she finds out he’s been emailing or chatting with her.

Again, I re-emphasize, the exchange between them is of the level of a brother and sister, and no more frequent than once or twice a month.

To what extent does the man have to sacrifice his long time friendship for the new woman in his life? What do you think is fair?

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 8:09pm

Hi


I guess you'd have to put the shoe on the other foot so to speak.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 06-29-2004 - 10:07pm
thanks for the very honest answer Tara...but don't worry about hurting my feelings. I'm not the "woman"...I'm the friend. ;) My best friend Corey has met a woman he really likes alot, she was fine and knew about our friendship, although I've never met her...because I haven't been down to Cali since last year... Anyway, she suddenly has really raw feelings about it.

I can't tell this woman that it's her own insecurities she has to deal, but neither can he and he's feeling really terrible. We've already agreed to stop talking on the phone, since this seems to bother her most. But now she's wigging over some pictures I emailed him of the kids and my new house.

(sigh)

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:16am

Hmmmm....


This woman is responding EXACTLY like I would. ;)


I think the best possible scenario here is, the permanant woman here should probably take deep breaths, continue to communicate her discomfort/insecurities to her SO very CLEARLY and without demands...and attmept to "get over it".


But, I always take the opinion in a relationship that if one party in the couple has a relationship that the other is uncomfortable with and deems somewhat inappropriate then the outside relationship should be cut back as much as possible.

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 10:35am

Ok, well reading this clarified my questions about how the guy was responding. I think you're handling it correctly.


But I have to wonder, why is she "wigging" of pic's of the kids and house? I can understand feeling weird about pictures of you, but geez. That I would NOT do.


I think this guy needs to take a serious look at his relationship. This sounds like a control issue, and I don't think he really wants to get too much further with this relationship before he finds out.


I think, if it were me and Jas were the one with the old relationship, I WOULD be very uncomfortable. But I would have been uncomfortable from the get-go. Changing my feelings on it AFTER we moved in would not have happened. So, he would've told me "deal or move on" because he's like that. And honestly, I probably would have moved on.


BUT, if I had established trust in the relationship and continued it to the point that we moved in, I can't fathom any reason to change my point of view other than wanting to control him. Which is bad bad bad!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:29am
The man has to do what he thinks is best for himself long term. Whether that means telling the live-in girlfriend "get over it" or whether that means telling the life-long friend "I have to distance myself from you for a time because gf is freaking out."

TT is great friends with his exgirlfriend, Lauren. She lives in Phoenix. They dated over 10 years ago - and are still REALLY close. So close that her sister and brother-in-law and child have stayed with TT when they visit Las Vegas - and so close that TT's parents stay with Lauren's parents whenever they find themselves in their neck of the woods. TT and Lauren speak on the phone probably once a week, and just recently - he got emails of Lauren's wedding photos. She looked beautiful. While I did have an issue with their relationship very early on - I realized that I trust TT to be faithful to me, that TT no longer wanted to be with her, and that I had nothing to worry about. Had I pushed him on the issue - I would have lost him at that point. If I pushed him on the issue now (which I wouldn't - I've met Lauren, her new husband, her family - I adore them all - they are good people that you keep in your life) - it would cause huge issues in our relationship.

Best wishes to you - I hope you don't lose your friendship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:54am
Well, I'm the type of person that does believe that your friends are a major part of your life and no bf/gf has the right to ask you to stop talking to one. The gf will have to work through her own insecurities. Unless there is a valid reason that she is concerned about you and your friend, then I would not discontinue your friendship. You both know that you will not be an item- been there tried that.

She knew about this going in. The only thing that has changed is them moving in together. She's got insecurities, maybe she had them all along. He needs to decide how he wants to handle this. Sounds to me like he wants you BOTH in his life- he needs to tell her that's the way it will be. He cares for both of you, and he wants both of you in his life- you as his friend, her as his partner. She will have to decide if that's worth leaving him over.

Tell him to be strong, but to be understanding of her concerns.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 11:56am
And one more thought . . . .

Is it possible that this guy is pining away for you and you don't know it? That maybe to him you aren't just a good friend, you are the one that got away? And maybe his girlfriend senses it - and maybe it is more evident now that she lives with him? Just a thought . . . .

My girlfriend was dating a guy that was still good friends with his ex. She didn't mind the friendship until one night, in a drunken state, he broke down in tears and confessed to her that he would always love his ex, that she was the one that got away, that no woman would ever compare, that while my friend was a good woman, she was not and would never be his ex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:19pm
I don't agree with you on the point that he can't tell her to deal with her insecurities. He doesn't have to be mean about it, but he can tell her that she does need to address her issues. Someone later on points out that she probably was insecure before they moved in, but now it's more of a big deal. I agree.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 12:32pm

See, I assumed you were talking about you. ;)


No, I dont think you can tell the girlfriend to chill out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 06-30-2004 - 1:34pm

I wouldn't automatically say that it's the new girlfriend's issue/problem and that she's just insecure.

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