Need to ramble about SO

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Need to ramble about SO
23
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:05pm
OK - so it has been over a year we have been together and although things in our relationship are for the most part really great I still can not get past the fact that he has these issues with his parents and also that he is unwilling to make a SOLID commitment. Although I know he isn't dating anyone else even a little and I know he isn't looking either and we spend a considerable amount of time together and I can count on him for support and even some monetary help too now....I feel like this gap we have between being committed to now and being committed to forever is tearing me up. I push it aside and I may be able to continue that longer but I have my moments and I notice they are getting more frequent. I find myself making snide remarks about it as sarcastic "half-jokes". If he mentions doing somthing for his mother I say things like "And we can't let HER down" things like that.

That is not a good turn in the relationship and I know that. I am not doing it blindly. I am frustrated to the point of no return. Yes - I think ther may be no return. I am trying to hold out. Because I love him. But will he get past this? Is this a situation or a personality flaw? And if it is a personality flaw is it one that I can live with in most situations except for this one. And then, in spite of the fact that I truly believe he does love us - does he?

I have a family reunion on the 31st that he is going to with me. He has a recital again this month that he wants me to attend (because of course his family won't be there) and next month is another race and I have made it ver clear that I want to go. But I am beginning to think that even if I did and he introduced me to his dad it wouldn't be enough. I know it will be "here is my girlfirend" real casual. I don't think this is going to work. I need something bigger from him. I wish he could give it but I don't know how to even tell him that and not have him feel like I am pushing. I am a pushy person I know.

I am sure that a good part of this is my lack of anything secure and stable in my life. I really need that and I know that if he decides to give it it will be somethign I can count on. But he is still deciding. How long is too long. I think this is a tad ridiculous. I am not in a hurry to give up something that I DO trust. But I feel I can't trust it forever. Because he hasn't given me forever yet.

This is too hard :(

Thanks for listening to yet another vent. I have to get to a point where it is too much or he changes and I am not there yet - please bear with me.

Laura

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:24pm
Laura, what was the outcome of the house idea?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:52pm
He liked it btu we didn't really talk about it. It was more like just seeing what we do and don't like I suppose - He is very open about everything BUT our relationship status so when I said to him that I had hoped he would love it and sya "let's do it" his response was silence. I can ask a question a million times and neve3r get an answer because he doesn't have one. We talked about what we liked. I honestly don't even know what the point was - I was hoping it would have spurred more results.

So pretty mush nothing. When I have talked about where we would live his answer is always "that depends on where we work" No sh!t sherlock.

UGH - thanks for bringing htat up Maggie LOL!

I need solid answers - he knows it. How in the HECK do I get them???

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 12:58pm
Ok, I'm lost....

You have been dating this guy for over a year and haven't met his parents? Do they live far away? Are they crazy? Will they shoot you on sight? What is his reason/ excuse for not introducing you? Is he ashamed of you? Doesn't sound like he's too serious about you if he can't even introduce you- do they even KNOW of you? Do you know if he's been like this will ALL his past girlfriends, or just you? Is he afraid of what they'll say about you? Is he afraid they'll judge you because you are a single mom?

I wouldn't let him continue with this. You need to know why he doesn't want you to meet his family. Has he met your family? Have you met his friends? What does he introduce you as? If after a year of exclusive dating he is still not referring to you as his girlfriend, there's something wrong with that. No matter how great he is, sounds to me like he's just there waiting for something else to come along. Sorry, but I have seen that, and that is how the men act.

I hope that's not the case.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 3:27pm
Hi Alison - the senerio is this - first of all he has never been a big dater and only had one long term GF before me (that was longer than 6 months) and I think she was the only one he did ever intro to his parents and he met her in high school (he is 31 now) He is very shy but has made improvements. He has spent most of his life working to be "successful" because his dad is a self-made millionaire. And is famous too. I think that this has put a tremendous amount fo pressure on him personally. His Dad is very overbearing and pushy and is an always right kinda guy. He also sounds a bit unpredictable. I met his mother over a year ago because at first I don't think Jack realized that there would be an issue. Well his mom freaked out and basically told him that is was morally WRONG to date a divorced woman with a child because he would be ruining the chance for the "family" to reconcil. Of course he didn't tell her how horrible my ex was (he is in prison if that gives you a clue that this isn't just my opinion here) The fact that he is in prison is a whole other issue and top that with a guy that has hardly dated and I have child and he has never been around any it is amazing we made it this far.

I have met all his friends and one of his sister's and her DH. He has one other older sister that I haven't met and I haven't met his dad. He says he has been afraid that his father will not accept Alyse because he wants HIS OWN grandchildren. I told him that at least he knows I CAN have kids (his other daughter can't and his other daughter WON'T)

Jack has parental approval/love issues. Especially since his whole life all his father has done is make him do things by threatening to disown him - and it isn't about money - it is about love from them. I can identify with this part so I get it.

So I am included in all parts of his life that don't include his family. However, they don't live far away - he sees his mother several times a week because he plays classical piano and his grand is at his parents since it doesn't fit in his condo and would be too noisy anyways.

Since his mother's disapproval he has dropped the subject so they don't know about me. He told his dad about a month ago that he was seriously seeing someone - and left it at that. Yes - it is because I am a mother. He says he isn't ashamed of me. He has met my entire family/friends and actively participates in all family functions. However they are also unhappy with the situation of his being such a weeny. My dad even got in last time we went out to visit "next time you should bring your mom and dad" LMAO

Does that clarify. He isn't your typical guy in a lot of ways - I don't think he is using me. I really believe he is genuinely torn as to what to do and what will happen when and if he does it., He is spineless and afraid and it is wearing thin. It is like this - if he is going to risk the pain and the wrath of his parents then he better do it for a solid reason - like getting married. It is like otherwise he won't. He told me once that his mother told him years ago that she wouldn't be surprised if one day he came and said he was marrying someone they had never met. Well - his family may work like that but I don't. If I hate his parents and they hate me that will not work for me.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 5:05pm
Laura,

I think you need to ask yourself if this is what YOU want? You say words like spineless and afraid. He's 31, his parents do not hold some power over him. He needs to stand up and be proud of who he is and the things he's accomplished. He holds too much enfasis on his parents, gives them too much power over his life. So what if his parents don't approve? Does he honestly think that THEY matter? It matters if HE approves, and if HE wants to be with you. There's nothing WRONG with YOU. Just so you've been married and have a child- you're not an axe murderer! (RIGHT?) So he thinks that his dad will disown him? WHY???? What if he's more mad that he didn't bring you and your daughter around for this last year?? So what if she's not HIS grandaughter, she's still a little girl who deserves love. And you're right, you can have kids, he may be thankful for that.

So let's recap, shall we?

A) it's been over a year and you haven't met his parents

B) the two of you have talked about getting a place together, but... (insert reason you haven't)

C) you really don't know where you stand with this guy, are you guys growing together, or is this just for now, are you moving towards an engagement - he doesn't ever want to talk about these things.

I think you need to sit him down and have it out. Lay it all on the table. You want to know where HE sees things going. You don't need to wait around for him to finally decide next year that he's not ready. Something has to push this guy, you shouldn't have to wait around. If he's serious about you, tell him you want to meet his family. Plan a bbq at your place or a dinner at his. If he refuses, you have to decide if you want to continue like that. He's not going to know what his parents think until you are all face to face. If he's too chicken- do you REALLY want a guy like that?

I'm trying not to sound too rough on you, but you need to ask whether you see yourself singing this same song 6 months from now?

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 6:22pm
No - that is just how I see it and is exactly what I have been asking myself. Because apparently he isn't going to do anything and there is no way to fix it - or so it seems. Like I said - him just telling them he has a girlfriend or even saying it is me isn't enough. Maybe it is too soon to be wondering but then again - I don't think it is. I want to know if he wants to be a family or not - basically does he want to get married TO ME one day or not. He should know by now right?

L

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 7:29pm
Personally, I think he should know by now.

In my view, you date a person and get to know them. Then you become an exclusive item, ie bofriend/ girlfriend because you enjoy this person's company. This is usually within 3-6 months in my view. By a year together there should be more commitment, I think, either getting engaged or moving in together. Now moving in together does not guarantee anything more, but for some people, they are happy just with that arrangement. I do not think you are this kind of person. You are looking for an engagement, right? Which is fair, I think it's about time to ask- otherwise what's the problem? If he's unsure, then maybe it's not the best relationship for you. I personally would want to be with someone who knew that you were the best and wanted to ensure that they could *keep* you. LOL. After one year together, you gotta know if it's working out. There's no rule that says you have to get married right away either. An engagement of a year is perfectly acceptable and better for planning a good wedding. (ie saving for one)

Considering that this guy won't even cross the bridge to introducing you to his parents, I doubt he's willing to take the leap to an engagement.

I guess it's how long you're willing to wait? I'd hate to say give him an ultimatum, but on the other hand, he seems to need a push. Perhaps you need to step back, stop being there for him, stop seeing him for a while and do your own thing. He may suddenly realize how much he does care for you and put aside his stupidity. Allowing him to continue with how he's been is just telling him that you are accepting the status quo.

You cannot get what you do not ask for.

Alison

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 9:52pm
Hey there, well being as though you know I was similarly in the same situation, I don't blame you for wanting to know what is going to happen between you. After a year of me not knowing whether or not my SO was going to tell his family, even though I couldn't have asked for a better person in my life, I had to say stop. I wrote a little advice letter to women a long time ago that I sent to close family and friends and read it recently. In it, it said " never let a man leave you wonder, because if he truly loved you, you'd know there would be nothing to question in a relationship. You would know right where you're headed, and if you let it go without knowing, you are only hurting yourself, because you are allowing this man to have everything he wants without the commitment." I read what I wrote and nearly fainted for not having listened to my own words. But truth be told it is ALOT harder than it seems, we know...right! But I can understand how easily, especially when they treat you well, it can be to just want to be with someone and hope for the best. Do you think that if you end it now, that you'll lose your chance to see if he'll really committ? I know I did. I guess, for the sake of my kids and becuase it was just too much with not being able to show my undying affection for this man, that I felt I had to leave it go and see if he thought I was worth fighting for. Enough so that he would make that decision to tell everyone and be with me. He did fight, but just for us to be together, and I told him that if he wasn't willing to do it all, I want nothing. So we are working day by day to build a friendship and start over. In the end, we did not only what was right, but we are learning from it, and who knows what can happen later. There is not a minute that goes by that he doesn't tell me he loves me and I know he does, so I can go on for now. You have to give him that ultimatem, because if you don't he will keep on putting it off, and you deserve better than that!! We all do!
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2003
Mon, 07-05-2004 - 10:32pm

Well you know, the simplest advice I ever got was from a co-worker who told me that the reason people don't get what the expect out of relationships is that the woman enters a relationship




http://somedaysijustworkhere.blogspot.com/">

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 12:38pm
Oh - I have asked - over and over - in fact I even told him I wanted ot marry him which was scary - especially getting no answer but a big hug.

I know they guy loves me - I know that he will come around but how much resentment will I build up in the meantime - I know ME. I know that this pisses me off and makes me more and more insecrue and riht now that is the last thing I need.

I saw him last night - he has been in San Francisco with his sister and BIL for the weekend and I could tell he missed me. Not just for sex either LOL. I know he did. But GOD - grrrrr. Last night I brought it up and got yet another reason for his hesitation. His friend's/my brother all in bad relationships. He worries that like them he will fall victim to losing his identity and not doing the things he wants in life. Now part of me is thinking "OK ANOTHER excuse" but then another part says that he is just working through each fear one by one. He actually said that he wasn't so worried about his mom and dad anymore. Not THAT is progress. I told him that is issue is TRUST. He doesn't 100% trust me - that I am what he sees. His biggest fear is being manipulated. I know that. I have been a manipulator unintentionally - many of us are. Anytime we say something simply to get a particular reaction we are manipulating - even if there is no malice. So I try to ust be truthful and told him that I would not allow that to happen because I value his dreams as well as my own and would not want him to be unhappy. If anything I would continue to enforce his dreams. And I would respect these things in him (because I know he would respect my goals and encourage me - as he is now). I didn't get a reaction - I want' looking for one at that point. he will think about it and we will move on to the next fear LOL.

We are in a place between us to move forward. I think that when and if we do - it will just all happen at once.

Maybe not. who knows LOL

L

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