Why can't he get it???

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Why can't he get it???
5
Tue, 07-06-2004 - 9:51pm
Okay, so I've been seperated from my ex-husband for 5 years now, and I don't know what his problem is!!! Okay, so that you know, I married him at age 18, we had 4 kids together and after my my first (twins)he started cheating. Stupid me, stayed, being as young as I was, scared to be on my own, then after the third he started the hitting. Even still I stayed thinking that "I" was the bad one, that somehow if I was a better wife and mother that he would be the man I wanted. Well, after a tubal (I needed to stop the baby factory) and some serious soul searching, I found the strength to leave. Since then, he has been through fifty million women and keeps moving them in. My children have no idea who is one from the other. He recently broke up with a woman who he was with for a total of 6 months - 4 of which she was living with him. The sad part is that he NEEDS to have someone in his life. When he doesn't, he is miserable, does NOT take the kids, and he calls me like crazy getting mad because for the longest I was happy being single, and even though I just broke up with my SO, I am okay.



I dropped off the kids the other day, and he threw a fit because I wouldn't stay for his 4th of July cook out thing. My plan was to kill a little time there before I went to visit my sisters. He knew this. Funny, that regardless of the h*ll he put me through we are still civil. I brought my best friend so that I didn't feel uncomfortable. although I hate his family and they were all there. (Sorry, but anyone that lies in court for a man that beats a woman regardless if it's your son I have a hard time with!)Anyway, his girlfriend got smart and left him, but now he is in his depressed mode all over again! I hate it.

You ladies know the situation I recently had with my SO and us breaking it off. Since then we've talked on the phone, and I believe that there's going to be a great friendship there. We both mean a lot to each other and hope there might a chance one day (once he grows up, and I get baptized) but until then we will be friends. He even bought me and the kids a bunch of movies yesterday, and me a very expensive pair of shoes, I've been saving up for! He said it was because he was glad we can be friends, and because he just wanted to say thank you for how much I cared for him for the last year. But, in all I'm okay! I stopped crying and calling, and I'm okay with it because I've never had a hard time being single. I'm single, but not alone! I have the unconditional love of my children. I wish my ex would realize that! If he would focus his energy on realizing that he is loved even if it's (only) from his kids,(that's what he would probably say)he wouldn't be such a miserable person. He doesn't realize what a gift that is. I see it and cherish it, even more so at times like this.

My main goal now is to spend more time with my babies then I ever have, and spend the extra time I now have to redoing my attic into a bigger bedroom for my older boys so they can have their privacy from the little one's like I've been planning for the last year. My little one's can turn their old room to a play room!! I just wish he could do that, and leave me alone. He should realize that after all the court and custody battles (he tried to take my children becuase he didn't want to pay support, and because I have a better job he could use the money, that was his reasoning!!) that I would never even think about an "US"!!! Just the word, in reference to him and I makes me want to puke!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:03am

I think this is what you are basically saying, condensing here:


"I just wish he could leave me alone. He should realize

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:32am

I guess I don't understand why you are saying "Why won't he leave me alone?"


What is he doing to jerk you around? YOU decided to go to his house and stay for a BBQ. YOU allowed him to know that you had time to kill. You are sharing much more of your life with him than you should be if you want space/distance from him.


there might a chance one day (once he grows up, and I get baptized) Ok, I just have to make

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:57pm
Your ex-husband sounds like my ex-husband, with the exception of him having a string of girlfriends. My ex also had to always be with a woman. He went from mom to me to his girlfriend that he left me for and then when she dumped him, he went to his current wife. Me and my ex were always able to not only be civil to each other, but actually be nice and talk to each other. But that has changed since he has gotten re-married and new wife controls things in his house. Now, he's argumentative with me and loves to tell me how to live my life, raise our kids and take care of my house. He's always right and I'm always wrong. I had a big argument with him several weeks ago, which prompted me to call my lawyer. I have to say that I agree with the statement that Becky made about having your ex too involved in your life. My lawyer gave me the same advice. Tell him nothing, unless it is directly related to the kids. I haven't talked to him at all since that incident, and he has left me alone as well. I know my lawyer is right. I can still be pleasant and civil with him, but I have to watch what I say and not tell him anything about myself and social events like BBQ's -- forget it. For me, it's not worth the aggravation. When you give an inch, a person like that will take a mile. I think you're right about your ex not being happy. I don't think my ex is happy either. Like they say, misery loves company. Because they are so miserable, they want to make our life miserable too. I know this first hand. But we just have to stay strong, try to blow off what they say, and don't let them be a part of our life. If he calls, tell him you can't talk. That worked for me. Believe me, I know what you are going through. I just got to the end of my rope.

I think it's a great idea, now that you and your SO have broken up, to emerge yourself in a house project. Keeping busy always helps keep your mind off of things. Plus, you will have such a sense of accomplishment when you are done. I am in the middle of a woodworking project. I don't have the kids this weekend, and my SO is out of town. So I plan on trying to finish it this weekend. I can't wait for it to be done because I know it will make my house look so much better. Good luck on your project and keep us posted on how it's going.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 11:06pm
Yeah, all you ladies are right, but I stay only because I don't want to fight in front of my kids. He knows that he can pull anything with the kids, and that's were I'm vunerable. I know that it weren't for the fact that I push him sometimes, he wouldn't even have a relationship with our kids, and I know I should just let it be, but I can't do it to my kids. About the divorce, well it should be final soon, I just haven't had the money but that has been the ONLY reason I haven't gotten it sooner. And about the SO and me geting babtized, well that was definitely a decision I made for me, that I want to do. But I will not rush it for anyone. I want to be ready and I have so much more growing to do spiritually before I feel I can. But, that's an issue because we want to do it right,and we shouldn't really have been dating becuase of me still being legally married and we want to do it right. So if he's wlling to wait, then good. If not, then my love will be here for someone more deserving. But I'm happy! Oh yeah, about the roon (almoost forgot)it's already a finished room, but it needs painting, carpeting, I want new beds. I want to build a bookshelf attached to the wall and just make it really mive for them. My kids are with their Dad this weekend, so no better time to start!! I'll keep you updated...and thanks!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:28am
You have to get a divorce, at all costs, and move on with your life. I would never go to a BBQ at my ex's house or do anything with him - there are other places you can pass time. Your ex should get no information about you - only discuss the topic of your children. Keep everything private.

Your projects sound wonderful. Press on and you will be in greener pastures sooner than you think.