Attraction: Is It Enough?

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Registered: 12-19-2002
Attraction: Is It Enough?
10
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 8:47am

Why Attraction Isn't Enough for a Relationship


By Rinatta Paries


Our culture has a misconception about how to connect with each other for successful, happy, intimate partnerships.

Singles tend to believe that mutual attraction is "the" way to start a relationship. If strong mutual attraction is present, the misconception goes, then you are meant to be together and are perhaps even soul mates. And if you are indeed soul mates, then why not get started on your life together immediately? Starting your life together means spending as much time together as possible.

Seemingly this makes sense. You are attracted to each other, exited about each other, and want to integrate into your life as a couple.

But the attraction only goes so far, which is not very far at all. Attraction is a kind of glue, mostly for the bedroom part of your relationship. It does spill over to the rest of the relationship a bit; it helps you to like each other, to be a bit more tolerant of differences and find a way to accept some mildly bothersome behaviors in each other.


Attraction, however, does not help with life compatibility at all. Mutual attraction says nothing about your individual financial goals, status or compatibility. It says nothing about whether or not you want children or about your style of parenting. Attraction does nothing to help both people be on the same page about personal growth. Attraction does absolutely nothing in terms of helping you communicate in a similar or compatible style. Attraction does not help you have similar values or treat each other in a way that makes the other person feel loved and cherished. Attraction does nothing to help you mutually handle anger and frustration in a healthy way. Attraction does not help you handle flirtations with people outside the relationship, as you may have different ways of perceiving such situations. Attraction does not help you deal with lifestyle issues such as work, living situations, chores and responsibilities.

Attraction simply brings you together and can keep the relationship going, even if the relationship is only an empty shell. It does not help you create a functional relationship where both of you will be happy and satisfied and feel loved and wanted.

Master Certified Relationship Coach Rinatta Paries coaches singles to attract and build loving, fulfilling, long-term relationships.

Maggie

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 9:57am
Totally agree on this. Because most of us have dated several people in our lives by now, it's safe to assume that we have seen many that we were attracted to, but after spending some time with them, realized they were quite ugly. Not physically, but in other ways. Perhaps they are attractive, but KNOW it. So they think they can get anyone they want. That's a big problem with me. It's like I'm some trophy if I go out with them. Then, they are done with me. The goal has been met. Nothing more to do.

Yeah, I've dated men like that. Attraction is important, but it takes a great mind, and a warm heart to keep me attracted far beyond the sexy smile and bedroom eyes.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 10:39am

Couldn't agree more.


A good way to put that into context is this. EVERYONE is attracted to people during their life. And it's not just their own SO. That is NO REASON to go into panic mode and think you are with "the wrong person" simply because you feel a strong chemistry/attraction to someone else. It simply means they look good to you.


Beauty IS only skin deep after all. ;)


I found one point in this article particularly interesting. ~~~

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:09am

~~~

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:24am
Sure it helps. And didn't we hear from somebody's guyfriend once that men work at relationship with a woman to have sex, essentially? Not that they'll put up with someone they don't respect, but that even a good guy is motivated to a high percentage by physical attraction.

It is only part of the picture,the initial incentive to make contact. I'm not attracted to a man for long if he doesn't have some good things going on inSIDE of what I'm physically attracted to.

With Trav, it was really the other way around. I didn't know what he looked like (except for a general description) till we had talked for a couple of months. I think he's cute, but if I'd seen him on the street first I don't know what would have happened. The first time I saw him I was glad he wasn't some bodybuilding hunk or pretty boy. I was certainly VERY attracted to him but it wasn't physical. I don't know how to explain it, and it'll sound goofy...but it was more like "metaphysical". LOL...ok, I won't ramble on.

Honestly, it's what goes on inside that makes it easier for me to overlook some quirks. If someone is a good human being, then minor stuff rolls off. So, like usual, it's a little bit of both.

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-07-2004 - 11:31am
Unfortunately no matter how nice they are, I can't seem to get over a guy that isn't physically attractive. Well at least CUTE. I mean the teeth are important and the hygiene. That's just me. Believe me, from someone living in Europe, you still have a few people that don't know what a toothbrush and a roll on can do. The same with hair. I can't stand unkept hair and running around in grubs, no matter how sweet he is. I just have to have someone in my life that I am not embarrassed about. The rest isn't so important. He doesn't have to be buff, tan, sporty or even tall, just as long as he has the normal stuff, like nice teeth. That is just too important for me to pass up. LOL

BUT OF COURSE IT'S NOT ENOUGH! I AM WAYYYYYYYY TO PICKY, TO JUST BE SATISFIED WITH LOOKS!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 4:49am
Hi Maggie,

Great article - I totally agree. I read the materials from Rinatta all the time and am glad you posted here.

Just got back from 1.5 weeks in Europe - am looking forward to catching up with the board.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-08-2004 - 10:13am
Hey there. Would LOVE to hear about your trip to Europe! Where did you go? What all did you do? Do you have pictures to share?
Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 8:39am
Hi to Becky and all,

I went to Sweden to compete in a triathlon - had a ball. Lots of cute guys!! Lots of friends and good times. It was a vacation I really needed. My son stayed with my parents.

I also got to stop in Switzerland to see some very dear friends of 20 years ago, when I was in school there.

The photos are at Walmart so hopefully I will get some to share soon.

One good thing happened - there was a doctor, also on our team, who expressed interest and gave me the sweetest embrace to say goodbye. We are geographically incorrect so I won't pursue it but it was so good for my heart and so flattering!!



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 9:03am
Hi West, we missed you!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 07-09-2004 - 11:01am
I missed you guys, too. I did great - finished in 9.5 hours. The Swedes are wonderful people and the country is so beautiful. The sun never sets in the summer!! The food is great. And Switzerland, too. I am eating a whole bar of Swiss chocolate right now!!

I think we all need to get away from our lives from time to time so we can come back with a fresh perspective. It was great to have a break from everyday life. And I know my son did so well with my parents. Everyone won.