Worried about friend's engagement
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Worried about friend's engagement
| Wed, 07-07-2004 - 1:40pm |
First, I love my best friend dearly. She's been an angel in my life. She recently got out of an extremely unhealthy five-year relationship. But she and her new boyfriend of six months just got engaged a few weeks ago and I'm worried. The reasons are: First, she's swept off her feet and is still in that sparkly stage. Secondly, almost since day one, she repeatedly brings up this guy's fears that she'll cheat on him...because "he's been cheated on before." He's the maintenance man at her apartment complex and a couple months after they started dating, she got out of the shower and he had used his maintenance key and was inside her home. I know she didn't like it but wouldn't admit it. He's a very nice guy who treats her very well, but because he's so insecure, I feel that he probably has been in her apartment without her knowledge while she was out. Speculation of course, but the rest of his actions really have me on edge. We were all supposed to go camping together one weekend but I received an email from her saying they couldn't make it because "apparently, this is some kind of big weekend for us and Mike made special plans." The next day, she told me he was sitting at her desk while she was doing dishes, he saw the sent email to me and ASKED IF HE COULD READ IT!! Who Does That???? They had only been dating a few months at this point. Flabbergasted, she said yes and he found her "apparently..." comment to be insensitive and it hurt his feelings immensely. (It was NONE of his business what that email said!) She said it took her three weeks to make things better between them because he was so upset by it. I find that completely out of whack. In fact, since that happened, she won't wear anything even remotely sexy when going out without him "so he won't worry." Then, last month, she and I went to the Bahamas for the wedding of a friend and she left Mike behind. The first night there, she called him and told me he was acting very weird and standoffish (perhaps because he had images of her cheating on him already dancing in his head?). By the next night he apparently changed his tune and next thing I know, he's crying on the phone about how incredibly in love he is with her. An hour after she got off the plane after our trip, he proposed to her with some kind of promise ring. I wasn't exactly thrilled with the news because I think the proposal, only six months since meeting each other, came because he's trying to lock her in. I decided not to express my concerns then because I was waiting to see if they were going to have the standard one-year engagement (which would have alleviated some of my fears). Unfortunately though, she called to tell me they set a date for September. Only three months! Now I'm freaking out because not only was he completely unprepared for the proposal, but now they're rushing to the altar. He told my boyfriend before he proposed that "this is just a step." She knew I was unhappy about the short engagement and when I asked, "Why so soon?" she said, "Because I want to be married." I know they love each other and I think he has good intentions but I've been in relationships like this before myself and insecurities like these can turn ugly. I don't want my friend to be the victim of someone else's misguided plans for her. Anyway, I've bit my tongue because I'm terrified of losing her. I know women who will drop a friend faster than a box of Lee Press-On Nails if she has something to say about their relationship with a man. I don't think she would be mad at me if I spoke up but I just wonder if it's worth it? Normally, I would express my concerns no problem because I value authentic communication in my friendships and would expect my friends to tell me these things if it were me in the situation. But I've been a box of press-ons before. I believe that if Mike were to find out that I spoke up (which tends to happen), he would view me as a threat and may keep her from seeing me. I think it's completely unhealthy for a couple to enter into marriage when one is lording their insecurities over the other in order to keep a thumb on them. I think this proposal is the ultimate maneuver on his part to lock her in and I'm really pissed off about it. What do I do???? I think it's a mistake to get married so soon especially without having worked out these insecurity problems FIRST. There is a four year old involved, her son. Some advice would be warmly appreciated. Thanks anyone, everyone. :o)

Hi Stacy, welcome to this board!
I couldn't agree more. There's not much more to say than what Maggie's already said.
It's tough, I know. You love someone and you want SO BADLY to open their eyes to the insanity they're stepping into. Unfortunately it's SO MUCH EASIER to see a situation when you're a step or two outside of it.
You can't force someone to make better choices. You can love them through them, and IF and WHEN they give you the opportunity to speak into their lives, you can carefully and lovingly choose honest words.
Hugs. I am so sorry she's putting herself in this positon. Be there for her. If and when this relationship fails, she need dear friends more than ever.
I was throwing a personal shower for my best friend who was getting married in a week. It was at her apartment that she shared with her fiance. I ended up staying and sleeping on the couch because it was late and I lived far away. I was woken up in the middle of the night because her fiance was screaming at my friend, and it sounded like he was hitting her, but I couldn't be sure. I talked to my friend later that day about what I heard, and in a nice way, I asked her to reconsider getting married the next week. Well, she went ahead with it any way. To no one's surprise, her marriage to him was hell. But I never said I told you so. I was always there for her when she would call me and needed to talk about how awful he was to her. She eventually divorced him, and met a really nice guy, that she's still married to.
On the other side of the coin, my husband was cheating on me when I was pregnant with our twins. I suspected something wasn't right, but I loved him to much to believe that he woudl ever cheat on me. It was my sister that saw the signs and sat me down to tell me what she suspected. At that point in time, I was due just about any day, and all I could say to her was, "What do you want me to do, kick him out?" I never did kick him out, even after the twins were born, because I was hoping that after they were born, he would change. Fat chance. He was still running around. It made my sister so angry that she pretty much stopped associating with the two of us. She would talk to me and help me whenever I needed it, but as for him -- she had nothing to do with him. Then, when the twins were 3 months old, he left me for his girlfriend. I called my sister and told her. She came over to my house to help me out. She never said "I told you so". She and her husband gave me a lot of help with the twins during tht first year, and I would have never made it without them.
I agree that you are in a bad spot. I know you don't want to lose your friend. But, like Maggie said, I would try to say something to her when the time is right. Be gentle. If you attack her, she won't listen to a word you say. But if you are phrase it like you care about her and are concerned about her and her son, she will think about what you said, even if she doesn't change her mind. I know I thought about what my sister said, I just felt that at the time I had no choice but to stay with my ex. Be supportive to your friend whenever she needs it. She will never forget it. I know I never have. Good Luck.
Donna
It's funny that since I mentioned to her that I want to talk, she and I have been avoiding each other. She hasn't had time she says and I only call back when I know she won't answer. I'm such a weenie. :o) And now, her mother and another friend are in full wedding-planning mode and I'm not eager to get involved yet, until I can at least talk with her. I've always wanted her to meet a great guy who would love her and her little boy. But I don't understand the rush. What's the rush? Why? I was shocked by her decision because we had talked about short engagements before and she agreed, the longer the better. But now, I feel like the only person in her life who still feels that way. I suppose there's a small part of me that is disappointed, even though I know I have no right to be. I can't help it, I want the best for her.
Hi Stacy, after this post I had another thought.
I had this problem with my best friend. She met a guy in March, '92 and byt Jan, '93, they were married. I was a bridesmaid and I just weeped through the entire ceremony. No one knew it was because I couldn't stand Mike. After a few months, she became pregnant and then 2 months after having the child, he left for Korea for a year and cheated on her while there. He returned and announce he loved the other woman and wanted to divorce my best friend. She tried to keep him for the baby's sake, but that was the biggest mistake she made.
No matter what, I loved her and bit my tongue. She finally divorced him and later on, married a wonderful man that she's been married to for 6 years and now has a new baby with him. I finally told her how I felt about Mike after it was all said and done and I asked her if she would have listened to me had I spoke up early on. She said probably not. She was blinded by love and he was there and paid attention to her. Even though she had doubts on the wedding day. She married him and knew it was a mistake.
Just be there for your friend. It's hard, I know. Watching her make a mistake is the hardest thing you will have to do, but unfortunately, you will have to.
Mel
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