how long before you move things ahead ??

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
how long before you move things ahead ??
18
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 9:51am
Well Jerry and I are coming up on the year mark and I am really wondering about the status of our relationship - are we going to take the next step in our relationship? I asked him last night because I defintily am planning on moving because I want my kids out of the Minneapolis school district. Last year I had them tested for special education and they qulaified for reading and Minneapolis is having major budget cuts - cut over 700 teacher jobs and cutting afterschool programs and because of the immigrants moving to our state the focus seems to be on teaching those kids english and well not focusing on the basic skill for the kids who do speak english. Also we are still in the house of my previous marriage and we want out and have a fresh start- I want to move to the suburbs-- ideally I want to live with Jerry and marry him - he says he wants this too however not now and he has no idea when. I asked him for a time frame- his response "I dont know" So I am stuck with the dilemma - do I move close to him because I dont want my kids to have to switch schools again? WHICH is also very far from my work - I would have 45- hour commute for work. OR do I give it a couple months to get a firm answer from him and chose to move close to my work and end things with him. I feel like I cant live another year without knowing that I have a future with him. I dont wnat to invest my heart, my childrens hearts and his and his childrens if this is something he just "doesnt know"

So what should I do- is a year too short to ask him this? I mean we have been very serious from almost day 1 - I am at his place 3-4 times a week commuting from my house to his which is about 25 miles I spend time with his kids he knows my family - my kids but it just seems he wants me to live in limbo like this and well its not easy- it hurts and is scary!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 10:46am

Lizbeth, I think it sounds like you give more and go out of your way more (much more) in this relationship.

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:06am
"Unless a man is on his knee offering you a future and making serious promises...and ACTING on them, don't make major life decisions around him."

GOD the truth hurts sometimes! Everything you said is true. I do give alot to this guy ALOT - he gives to but its not the same. He does take me out and shows me a good time- we arent just "hanging out" but no he never comes to my place "anymore" - you see he used to come over but then he got a 6 month old dog that he doesnt want to leave alone. His house is also alot nicer than mine and I have a roommate- my sister and we have more privacy at his place. This also hurts because his place has become that second home for me and my kids.

Anyway you are right that I need to do whats in the best interest of me and my kids and this guy isnt offering anything concrete - gotta do what I gots to do. I have invested enough time and engry into men that cant seem to give me what I deserve. (kicking myself again!!)

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:20am

Lizbeth, maybe you can talk to him?

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:38am
Ive done that - he is well aware of what my plans are for the soon and upcoming future and he knows that I am not pushing for marriage although we have talked about it. (so many mised messages from this guy) I would like to live with him yes ( I know your opinion about that btw) - of course I do want to live with him with a promise that we will get married- an engagement of some sort would be nice??

ANYWAY

The conversation last night was this and I was very upbeat and not emotional about it.

I was looking at apartments today and rentals however before I make any decisions - "you" are a factor.

I have 2 options as I see it -

#1 find a apartment near you with a 6 month to year lease dependent on when he feels he will be ready to get engaged- move in together.

#2 move near my work and not depend on any future plans with him

His response was "I dont know- Im nervous and Im not ready for the 3 of you to move in yet- its not that I dont want to- its that I am afraid and just not ready"

I even went so far as to ask for a time from for some sort of answer - he couldnt give me that either?


SOOOO the balls back in my court to make a decision to move on or do I want to live in limbo?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:51am

I see, you've already been clear with him in this conversation last night.

Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:03pm
Did he share with you what he is afraid of? What he's not ready for? Does HE even know?

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:24pm

Here is what I would do....


I am very very independant though, so take it from my point of veiw only..K?


I would find a school I like. In a neighborhood I love, and is close enough to work to make the commute comfortable and move there.

Kim

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:26pm
Maggie,

I have been following your threads and I think your advice is right on here. I couldn't agree with you more. Unfortuately I was in these shoes in one of my past relationships and am happy I am not playing the yo-yo game anymore.

At any rate, I was very curious to hear your story about you and Chris - how you met, how you felt, what you went through, etc. I am praying you have the time to share your story or maybe it is already on here and you can direct us to the thread.

Thanks!! :-) And good luck to Lizabeth - hugs and compassion for you - these things are never easy. All I can say is take care of you and the kids and the rest will take care of itself. Sometimes all we need to do is give a guy space to do the right thing instead of doing everything for him.

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:29pm
He expressed that he doesnt want us to move in together JUST because I have to move- he wants it to be right and the right time. He said that he is afraid of the blended family my kids/his kids factor- he wants to consider everyones feelings. His ex wife (mother to his 3 kids) just announced her engagemnt and moved them into the fiances place almost immediatly afterwards so they are dealing with THAT change right now and he doesnt want to put them through another change right now. Which is great I GET that. He says there is alot of unknown there and is considering everyones feelings- its not that he doesnt want it and wants to make that clear to me. He just doesnt want to hurt anyone- he wants the ideal perfect scenario. Dont we all???
Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:40pm

Of course we do!

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