Single and hating it

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Single and hating it
8
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 10:25am
I am 26. Recently divorced a year ago. I was with my ex-husband for 9 years, married 7 and we have 3 kids together. Eight months ago I met a wonderful man. He has a great sense of humor, always keeps me smiling. We talk everyday and have long, meaningful conversations. He has a genunine concern for my well-being. He's cute as hell and is great n bed. We have gone out a couple of times but mostly I spend the night at his house (roughly 2-4 times a week). He brought me a toothbrush because I'm there so much. He helped me enroll in school where I'm 1/3 of the way towards graduating. we both work full-time jobs and make decent money (though he makes a lot more than me - for now). Anyway, he's always talking about how much he likes me, and cares for me. Says I have all the qualities he's looking for in a wife. BUT...I have 3 kids and he thinks the responsibility is too great. He has a son of his own and feels like he isn't really ready for a big family. He adores my kids and vice versa. He says sometimes he feels we can do it; other times he doesn't. We have an amazing friendship and I don't want to lose that but I don't know if I can continue being his friend if we aren't together. Am I being selfish or should I move on?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:11am

Hi there!

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:17am


HUGS - Im questioning the very same thing- I have a guy whom I see and have a toothbrush /closet space drawers etc... and there 3-4 times a week- he has 3 kids I have 2. Im unsure too what to do and have no answers but I definitly understand your hurt and confusion
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:26am
I have made it quite clear what I'm looking for. He knows that I love him. I've told him time and time again. He is someone I can see spending my life with, raising a family with. At first all I was looking for was a regular sex partner without the complications of a relationship. A friends with benefits type thing. And it was cool. Then I caught feelings for him and now I feel stuck because I want more, he's not willing to give me more, but I don't want to move on because I don't want to lose our friendship. The reason I said I couldn't be his friend if we weren't together is because if he meets someone else, our sex would end and I couldn't sit back and watch him be with another female. I'd rather end it all together if that happened. It's getting harder on me because I think about him constantly. we talk everyday, several times a day. We text each other at least 10 times a day. We email each other regularly. I'm confusing his caring and concern for more. I take his words to heart. But I feel like he's only using me. We work together so that makes it harder. How can I break it off or should I break it off?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 11:42am

What has happened is that you both started out together agreeing to the same "ground rules", you were both enjoying a friends with benefits situation.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 12:30pm

Welcome to the board.


I hope you will find friendship and support here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:21pm
I agree. You started out with just a sexual relationship and I understand that is hard to give up. But then you started wanting more and tried to change the playing field. However, he is unwilling to change, because he is happy with the game the way it is. Should you continue? I don't believe it's in your best interest. You want more and you will just become more and more resentful that he's not willing to give it to you. Then what happens if he does find someone else? He'll drop you like nothing. He's just happy to have you around and perhaps is just waiting for something else to come along. Do you really want to be there for that? Staying with him, you're just sabotaging any new guy that could come along and want to be with YOU. Staying with him you won't see the great guy wanting to be completely with you.

It's going to be hard and you probably won't be able to be friends. Whatever you do don't continue sleeping with him if you call it quits. He will never change the situation, so just find a better one for yourself.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 8:17am
All the messages I've received are so right. I've met a couple of guys since I've been involved with this guy. And because I was so into him and wanting to be with him I didn't give them the time of day. And one guy we were friends for about a month. We hung out together, talked everyday, I went to see him at work. He made me laugh. And when I was with him I wasn't thinking about this other guy. But I broke it off and now I'm regretting it. I miss him so much but he won't answer the phone when I call or if he does he's rude. So I stopped calling. I know I need to break it off with this guy I'm sleeping with. I don't want to be alone. And right now he's all I have.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 3:30pm
No, he's not all you have. Open your eyes and look around. You don't need a guy for anything. Be happy being who you are. Go out and hang with the girls, or a family member you haven't seen in a while. Get yourself out the door and not so focused on being alone. If there's something you want to do, do it- you don't HAVE to be with company allll the time. Take some time to connect with yourself and be comfortable with yourself. Only then will the right guy come along. If you are so desparate not to be alone, no one will want to be with that. Go for some walks in a nice park, borrow a friend's dog if you don't have one. Go for coffee by yourself and bring a great book. Take in a sunday matinee movie. Take up a class you've wanted to try... there are endless possibilities.

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