Sometimes I think he is ashamed....

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Sometimes I think he is ashamed....
20
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:12pm
Isn't life just too cruel???

Here's the background...

I'm dating a wonderful man. He's 25, he has a good job. He wants to go to law school. He loves kids (especially my 4 year old). We've been together for a year. We started dating after my seperation, but before my divorce was final. he is so good to me. Sweet, considerate, loving. My parents love him. I've been introduced to all of his friends. He practically shows me off to them....

but I haven't been introduced to his family yet.

More background to help things out... he's dated girls in the past, but never found anyone he really likes, until me. So he's never gone out with any one for more than 3 months, way short of being qualified as girlfriend material. He's never brought any girl home, except for a friend from high school who is considered more a friend of the family than anything else. His parents EXPECT him to go to law school.

And yes, I realize that we are both adults, but family ties are very strong from the area where we live. And we were both raised to cherish our family and to get their blessings on things.

I realize that I'm not the idealistic woman for a single guy (at least by most parents' standads), but I really am good to him, and I think that if his parents get to know me... I just don't know anymore. we've talked about it, but only in passing. He keeps asking for me to let things happen with time. I don't want to push things, but... sometimes it just feels like he's ashamed of me when it comes to his family.

My best friend keeps telling me to give him time. And maybe that is what I need to do. I really do love him and aside from introductions to his family, there is nothing else that is wrong or bad about our relationship..

any advice? Any words of wisdom? Anyone think I'm just in idiot and that I'm just beating my head against a wall?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:42pm
I don't think you have anything to be ashamed of - you sound nice.

I do see a few "alarms" in your letter.

1) He is only 25.

2) He wants to go through law school.

It sounds to me like he is not ready to make a commitment/engagement yet in his life and that is why he has not introduced you to his family. Most times it is a matter of timing/readiness when it comes to guys and his situation doesn't sound ready to me.

I am wondering if you were really ready for something long term if you began dating so soon after your separation. A lot of times who we date is a reflection of where we are in our lives. Perhaps this is the case for the two of you - something comfortable and fun but not permanent?

At any rate, if you want more you will have to make a stand and see if he is ready now otherwise you will have to move on.

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:52pm

Hi there


I have to say, with all these posts about not being introduced to man in our lives' families recently, it must really happen alot.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 1:52pm
Thanks for the response!! I appreciate it.

it is a comfortable relationship. Comfortable enough that we've looked at houses and discussed which styles we like the best. comfortable enough that we've talked about having kids and what they would be like. Of course, none of our discussions are for "tomorrow" they are for the distant "future". Neither of us want to rush things, but to stay in a good loving relationship...

I just don't know...


Thanks agian for your comments!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 2:05pm

Hi there!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:12pm
He's self-supporting. He's working as a legal assistant for a law firm. He's goal oriented BUT when I first met him, he was wanting to go away, away to college. Someplace far away. He's getting applications ready to send out for school.... they are all within a short drive from me. In fact, his main school he wants to go to is closer to where I live than to where his family lives. there is no more trying to get away from the area. He wants to stay close... (I tell myself it is coincidence, but sometimes it makes me wonder).

We've talked about me supporting him (mentally and emotionally) through school. I'm self-supporting. I own my own house, I work full time and I run my life by myself (I don't need anyone's paycheck to help me). I go to church and I take care of my son. I really am a good girl!! We've discussed him trying to reach a goal by himself, or supported by someone who cares about him. He quite readily said that being supported by me in his decisions and his ventures would be quite different than how he has lived his life so far (which was fending for himself and not having anyone - other than family - care about what he did) but it would be a welcomed change.

His claims are always the same about his parents... I don't know what they will think about you being divorced. I don't know what they'll think about us starting to date before your divorce was final (even though the seperation was permanet). I don't know what they will think about you having a child...

Is he scared? yeah, I think so. He's in a new realm. He does care about me. all of our friends can see that and so can I. He's just never been in a relationship that is this... "deep" before. I hate to worry about it. and I hate to question him. It's just this dull... tug (for lack of a better description) at my mind that makes me wonder...

Thanks for listening everyone!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:46pm
OK, STOP RIGHT THERE!!!

This guy does not want anything from you except a willing free ride while he goes through school. "We've talked about me supporting him (mentally and emotionally) through school." Why would you agree to this???? NO NO NO NO NO NO NO NO

You do not owe him anything. If he truly wants support, he can move home. Unless the two of you were married and then the decision made for one of you to go back to school, I would NOT agree to this kind of situation. I just see this ending in disaster for you. Once he's done school he might just be done with you and you would be left with NOTHING to show for it. You can love him and be there for him. But you do not need to support him financially.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:50pm
I second this motion. Alison is right on target.

You would create a lot of expectations and then subsequent heartache by waiting for him while he goes through school. This is a lot of risk for you (wasted time and broken heart) with no guarantees from him.

I have a rule about Mr. Right - "here now, ready now" - so simple - yet so effective. Yours is not ready now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 10:29pm
No, you are definitely not an idiot. I had to laugh when I read T's reply to your post becuase I am actually one of those ladies whose SO didn't want to introduce to his parents. I'm 28, he's 23 and his parents are very religious. So of course, me not being divorced and being a single mother in their eyes would be unacceptable. But I saw it like this...I am a good person, and if these people are God fearing, like they say, they should be able to look past the kids and the ex and see a person who loves their son and is good to them. In the end however it really is up to him to decide whether or not he sees you as good enough to introduce and you have to ask yourself, if you really want to let someone else determine your worth??? In my situation, I let him go.

Ask anyone here, and read my posts, I love him and I'm having a hard time, but I know that I deserve better and that my children do not need to be treated as thought they are not worth being a part of a family. I know that he loved me, and the relationship was amazing, but in the end, I gave it up becuase I want a future. I want someone who will be willing to want me in every aspect of his life. Friends, FAMILY, work, whatever. I'm a good enough person for that. And you have to know that about yourself. Think about it...you've been with this person for a year, yet his family doesn't know. Relationships are based on love and trust. Do you trust him enough to know that he wants you in his life from now on and will tell his family...and does he love you enough to be willing to go through the motions and defend you if his family does get upset??? Just give it some thought!! Keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:50am
I NEVER EVER said that I would support him financially!! (I made that mistake with my ex-husband, who consequently turned out to be a leech, but that is another story in itself -- fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me... I won't repeat that mistake!). I said that I would support him emotionally and mentally! And there is NOTHING at all wrong with that. If you truly care about someone, you are willing to support them in that way. That is the ONLY thing I said.

I think a main factor in a relationship is being able to support the other person in everything! If I wanted to go back to college, I'd expect him to encourage me and to be a supporting person (just like my best friend would be or my parents).

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:44am
"His claims are always the same about his parents... I don't know what they will think about you being divorced. I don't know what they'll think about us starting to date before your divorce was final (even though the seperation was permanet). I don't know what they will think about you having a child..."

Why should some of this be mentioned? Do they HAVE to know you began dating him before your divorce was final? Why is that important? And so what if you have a child? The fact that you own a home and are taking care of him shows you are a responsible woman who can do it yourself and is not looking for a meal ticket. As a parent myself, I'd be delighted if my son one day brought home a woman like you. It shouldn't matter that you were once married. That's over. Their son is the man in your life now. I was worried about how my husband's mother and family would take me too. I too am a divorced mom of a son. I recently married a wonderful man with no kids and I guess I had the same worries about his family, but they were very accepting and loving and they think of Dylan (my little boy) as their own family. I think this guy isn't giving his parents credit. He needs to give them the benefit of the doubt before he judges what they'd say.

Mel

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