Should I keep seeing him?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Should I keep seeing him?
8
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:19pm
Hello Ladies, I have been involved w/a nice man(so far), for @6months now. We are both separated and going thru divorces. His has been going on for 2 1/2 yrs. now. Mine about 8 months. I realized that we are both in rebound mode, but we have alot in common when it comes to our kids and stbx spouses. I almost think we should have just stayed friends but I was incredibly attracted to him, and after 5 weeks of dating became intimate w/him. Anyway, he tells me weekly about how his stbx "appears" at the kids lessons, or when he's having breakfast out w/them, that sort of thing. Also that she goes to the daycare and other places the kids are at and tells the people there all about the details of the divorce, and custody issues(he has sole). I am going thru my own personal issues w/my stbx and sometimes feel overwhelmed w/my friends stories of his woes. I also don't like the on again off again aspect of his stbx "appearing" at places, to either "abuse" him or "give him advice".....it's starting to get fishy to me. Sometimes feel like I'm the mistress, but we do go out every weekend and once during the week usually. I haven't introduced him to my kids yet, and don't know if I want to at this point--

any thoughts?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-12-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:35pm
get out now, i was in a situation like this and i would suggest getting out now!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:41pm
I have two questions. 1)what is her motivation for showing up all the time and telling everyone about the divorce and 2)why does he feel he has to tell you all about it?

Also why has his divorce taken so long?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 3:46pm
My first thought, after being in your shoes 4 years ago, is to tell you to not see him anymore until both of your situations stabilize.

Divorce does solve one big problem but it creates so many more. And you have to allow time to stabilize your life and grow/heal. So does he.

The fact that his life is so upside down is going to impede your progress. You don't need that chaos for now. I would not introduce him to my kids if I was you.

I guess you should try to see him less and focus on yourself. Having a lot in common with kids and stbx spouses is not enough for longterm in my opinion. I predict this is a phase and will pass.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 4:11pm

His 2.5 year divorce saga:

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:45pm
I can't say for sure what her motivation is, only speculate that it has to do with the sole custody that he has. He goes to court nearly every week, she is basically(from his point of view) spying on him and trying to "get" anything on him, so she can drag him back into court which she fills out the petitions herself for. He told me one time that she said she'd do this for 10 years if she had to.

As far as him telling me all this, I don't know? Maybe to dispell any actions on her part that might make him look bad? I can only guess, but he has been telling me about the situation since we met(vise versa w/me and my sitch.) He tells me she's called his boss, tried to get him fired, called his friends, etc. etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 7:52pm
His saga, they are still fighting out details. It was supposed to be over in May, but that changed. I guess there are financial issues such as retirement accounts, etc. along with the child custody matter. He says she quit her job and refuses to pay him child support.

My saga, just starting, re child custody and possessions.

I guess it helps having him around when I need to talk to someone "who's been there" plus I get the man's point of view which is helpful.

I just don't want to be used.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:45am

The two of you are leaning on each other for emotional support.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-17-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:40pm
Thanks, and yes I agree with what you wrote. I guess my worries are that I am getting the short end of the stick here. He is telling me one thing and then another, I am getting alot of mixed signals from him(his wife is abusive, and then she's giving him advice and telling him about her plans to go back to school, etc.) that is the kind of thing that makes my head spin. I don't talk about my stbx nearly as much as he vents. I have an op against my stbx, and stay away from him as much as possible. So, we are in completely different places w/our ex's. I guess I don't understand his side because I'm maybe more emotionally detached from my stbx(it was a very abusive relationship on his part) than he is from his, and it is frustrating to me. It makes me feel like a third wheel sometimes.