Is He Ready? 8 Can't-Miss Clues

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Is He Ready? 8 Can't-Miss Clues
11
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:14pm

This article was suggested in the Relationships CL newsletter.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Mon, 07-12-2004 - 5:58pm
Thanks for posting this!! It is much appreciated - especially your last tip.

How do you think you can find out if he has issues with being a step dad - is there a way to tell from the beginning or do you have to wait and see? Maybe there are others with stories to share?

The men I have dated have not seemed to have an issue with this - although one potential suitor told me that from the beginning and then he was no longer a suitor!!

Avatar for lizbeth30
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-18-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 9:57am
Thanks for posting this Maggie these are all valid points however for my situation he fits the bill on all of this and believe me I watched for all of it - being a divorced woman with a loser ex- I wasnt going to make the same mistake twice.

THATS WHY I AM SO CONFUSED- see below---


His Oat-Sowing Days ARE Over!! (I know he desires only me.)

He's Financially Independent! The guy couldnt be anymore financially independant)


He's Discovered His Desire

to Be a Dad- (HE is a GREAT father to his kids and definitly steps in to help out and care for mine - for example and this is just one there are SEVERAl- he took out time to show my boys how to ride bikes - taught them in over an hour- my boys were sooo happy and roud of themselves- also he threw my boys birthday party at his house and he did all the cooking and preparing)


He's Your Boyfriend in Name -- Your Husband in Spirit

April Masini, author of Date Out of Your League, explains, "When a man is ready to become a husband -- your husband -- he starts acting like a husband. For instance, he will make plans for the future, introduce you to his friends and family, and not only call you daily but want to tell you the details of his day and have a desire to hear about yours."

(He defintily checks off on this- I mean he is taking me to San Fransisco to meet his family over Labor Day weekend)


He's Not Marriage Material If He:

Says he has no interest in

tying the knot. (He has never said this- in fact we have talked about that we want this in the future)




Buys a Porsche. (HE is very conscious about all his spending-much better at that than I am in fact!)


Calls his married friends "losers." (Nope never talks bad about anyone)



Continually makes you cry. (He never degrades me or makes me cry intentionally- NEVER)


Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:37am

AMEN!!!!


That was one of the best articles I've read on this board. VERY timely. Thanks for posting Maggie. Sherry couldn't have been much clearer.


It's interesting too, to compare J with those points. He was at EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM including your addendum re: being a step parent. He had a HUGE green light. I guess I didn't realize it at first. ;)

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:41am

I have an example. I was dating a younger guy once. He was MUCH younger. And he brought up Ty and the fact that whomever I married some day would be a step dad, regularly. He seemed very uncomfortable with THAT thought, even though he loved my ds and played with/hung out with him regularly (Ty never knew we were "dating"). I think he kept trying to convince himself.


Which was stupid because *I* didn't see him as a keeper. He was borderline FWB. We had a great time, fooled around and THAT WAS IT for me.


So, one day he said to me "Ty's going to need a dad some day. I don't think I can ever be that and I am feeling really pressured, so I think it's best if we stop seeing one another" LOL!!!! I was like "ooookkkkaaaayyyy. No problem" We stayed friends. He was just totally freaked.


The first time my now DH met Ty, he was on the floor wrestling with him and being a buddy. And w/in 2 months was talking about wanting to help raise him. He took a very active role in Ty's life, and was actually "parenting" to any degree that I would allow it very early on.


Pretty big difference huh?

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:54am
Interesting article Mags, thanks.

Trav and I hit on all those. And those were things we talked about in that 2 month "just talking" time...how he wants to settle down in the near future, how he's getting his retirement in order. He hasn't introduced me to family yet (no opportunity with him overseas) but he told me a lot about them. He doesn't want to be a dad, particularly...but I don't want a "dad" for my kids. He is ok with the "mentor" role, and being a friend...and that's what I want for them.

The idea of being at the right place at the right time is intriguing. I remember hearing before that people (men and women) were often perplexed that they always seemed to be the "person BEFORE the person their date married"...

I think Trav was ready to be a one woman man before me, but the lady he was with didn't stick with him. He's going to have to beat me off with a stick to get rid of me. LOL...ok, not really but you know what I mean.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:55am

Lizbeth, because of most of what you write about Jerry, his very responsible, conscientious behavior with his own children's feelings (they're going through a very hard/new situation with mother's new lover moving in or fiance'...they barely know him, right?),

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-13-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 10:57am
Great article!!!

Thanks!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:19am
This really hit home for me. Great article!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:22am

How do you think you can find out if he has issues with being a step dad - is there a way to tell from the beginning or do you have to wait and see? Maybe there are others with stories to share?


Hi west, it's a process of dating and weeding out I think....it's hard to tell sometimes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:08pm
Thanks for taking your time to share that story, Becky. It is enlightening!!

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