Would you? Have you? Or considered....

Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Would you? Have you? Or considered....
29
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:22am
an affair with a married man or you being the married woman with another man? It has been a big debate at the moment in our office and a very interesting one.

Could you or would you be able too, or were you ever able to keep it totally separate from your emotional feelings.

I couldn't find an emoticom for this one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:28am
I couldn't be with a man that I knew was committed. I think of how I'd feel if I were the wife or fiancee' and it makes me realize how wrong it is. It would be hardest for me if I had been involved with him and had no idea he was with anyone and then to find out after I had fallen for him. But I'd let him go for sure. I'm no homewrecker.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:33am
Me, no way.
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:35am
I've read from quite a few women who have been the other woman on these boards, so I wonder, why do it? It's an interesting thought. Even if the marriage is over? Let's say only together for the money and kids, but don't plan on leaving their wives? Can you really separate your feelings then? I say no, but others here beg to differ. That's why it would interest me if anyone was ever the other woman or thought about it and why.

I get asked in my company from married men left and right. Never have I, but today one of my colleagues said I'd be stupid if I didn't and another agreed. ONe married, one not. Go figure.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:48am
I'd just feel dirty. And I'd be so ashamed if I were caught by the spouse. What do you say to this person? Being part of the equation that hurt her so badly would kill me. I'm so emotional and it would just destroy me to do that to anyone.

I really like this question. I hope you get lots of responses!

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:53am
I agree with what Mel said, too.
Avatar for cl_beckty
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Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 11:56am

I have done that.


He was married. I was not.


It was the BIGGEST mistake of my life. My life was on hold for many years, because even though we broke it off (and it did NOT wreck his marriage visibly, though he had a lot to sort through as a result) I was in love. I couldn't get over it. I am certain I missed many other opportunities pining for someone who would never be available for me.


Now that I am married, there are STILL repercussions. I have serious issues with trusting married men. (and I am married to one!) TWICE I dated a married man (stupid stupid stupid. Do you ever ask yourself how you could be so dumb?)


It's hard to trust your husband when the example of married men you have is that their heads spin around when something "better" or more interesting walks by, KWIM?

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:02pm

Ok, I do feel a little like scum. I hope you all realize that I have matured a great deal and you know me well enough to know I'd NEVER EVER cheat on J.


Me? Personally I wasn't the actual "cheater", but I nonetheless participated in a relationship that devastated another woman. Did I think of it in those terms? NO! Never at the time do you think of it that way. The shock of "What did I DO?" sets in after the fact.


All I can say is, it's VERY VERY easy to say "OMG! I'd NEVER EVER do that. But it's something to always be on guard against (and I am now, very much so. I am hypersensitive to any man who is married being even slightly flirtatious with me) because we can all fail in this area and never know how we allowed it to happen.


Sorry, I know I am coming off defensive. But it's just that I was always the good girl. Didn't drink, didn't smoke (anything), didn't do drugs, didn't date bad boys and even avoided pre-marital sex. It's easy to get sucked in is all I am saying.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:04pm
I've never been the other woman, but my husband cheated on me with someone he met at work. Because of what had been done to me, I could never do that to someone else. I would never want to put anybody through what I went through, not even my worst enemy. My ex left me for this other woman, and after being together for two years, she dumped him for another man. I had found out from people my ex worked with that this other woman broke up another marriage before she had an affair with my ex. I think some women are just like that -- all they care about is themself and they will do anything to get what they want -- and they don't care who they hurt in the process. My little sister is like that. I'm glad I'm not like that.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:04pm
I wouldn't. I haven't. I wouldn't consider it.

I have far too much integrity and self respect. I would never cheat on my spouse, and I would never be the other woman.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:11pm
I totally understand. I see men looking at me and I often wonder if they are married or not. Not that I care since I'm with Shane, but still, it enters your mind. Why would they even bother to talk to you?

I see Shane turn his head to look occasionally. Now I know he's just a man and enjoying the "scenery". Nothing wrong with that. But there are women out there that don't care. And I think it's more the women I don't trust than the men. I've excused myself to the restroom before and returned to see some bimbo talking to Shane. He told her he was engaged and she said, "well engaged ain't married, but if you're ever tired of her, come back here and look for me." I wanted to go jump on her, but she noticed my stares from across the room and ended up leaving because she was worried. I heard her tell her friends they needed to go or there would be a fight. Of course if the man really cared about his woman, he would ignore the cutie flirting with him, or better yet, not go alone to a place where this can happen so easily.

Bec, how did you get involved with these men? Did you not know they were married? We all do silly things we are ashamed of. And guys can leave the rings somewhere to disguise their status.

Mel

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