Would you stay if he cheated?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Would you stay if he cheated?
11
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:00pm
If so, why? If not, why?

Some of us went thru this before. My ex cheated. I had left him before I knew for sure. We had other issues that caused me to go, but I found out for sure he strayed and definitely was not prepared to go back.

I am not strong enough to accept that and move on. Or maybe I just didn't love him enough to try.

Shane's cousin had a nine month long affair with a woman out of town. His wife worked nights so it was easy for him to do this. He'd meet her half way. After some time, he begant o feel guilty and he confessed. Not only did he confess to HER, but he personally called her parents, his parents, his brother, Shane, her twin sister, etc. He confessed to all of these people without being prompted to do so. He also agreed to couple's counseling and they are doing very well. Shane begged her not to leave his cousin. Shane was married to her twin and told this woman she was better than her sister and to not quit this marriage. She never went anywhere. She stayed. They worked thru it. Yes, she still has her days. But they are doing well.

I admire her for doing what she did and I often wonder if Shane were to do that (which he wouldn't and I know this) would I stay? I know I love him more than I ever loved my ex. Would I be able to look at him the same way again?

What would you do?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:08pm
I don't know.

My actions would depend on a lot of different things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:09pm

Mel, I wouldn't stay unless the entire situation was very remarkable and the man was as sorry as the one you described, and as willing to go to counseling and heal the marriage....and even then, there would be a big WHY???

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:19pm
From what the wife says (and we're close) she said their marriage was on the rocks back then. They had problems and were not doing what they could to fix them. Not that it gave him the right to cheat, but he did it anyway.

I think you're right about some people having the tendency and other not having it. I know Shane does not. He was FURIOUS with his cousin for doing that. I think he was most afraid to tell Shane about it than anyone else...including her family. Shane wore him out over it. As he should have. I know my ex has it in him and not just because he did it, but because it's in his family. His dad did it, his brother STILL does it, and he did it too.

I'm just happy I'm married to a mant hat believes in love and committment. And I wish his cousin and his wife all the luck in the world. They really seem to have gotten past it and love each other very much.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 1:00pm
When my ex cheated on me and left, I would have taken him back in a heartbeat. But that was more because of the circumstances than anything else. Our twins were only three months old. And out of sheer panic, I used to beg him to come back. I was convinced that I would never be able to make it without him, and I was willing to forgive him. He never came back. If he wanted to come back now, I wouldn't take him back in a million years. Or if I was married to someone now, which I'm not, and he cheated, I would not want him back. I just feel that once the basic trust of a marriage is broken, it's over. I would never look at that person the same way again. It would be hard for me to trust again and to not wonder where he was and what he was doing when he was away from me -- and I wouldn't want to live like that. I've proven to myself that I can take care of myself, my children and my house and that I don't need a man to do it for me. I feel that it's total disrespect for someone to cheat, and I deserve better than that. Thats' just my opinion, and I think I've hardened over the years. I've been single for almost 7 years now, and I was cheated on twice, once by my ex-husband and once by an ex-boyfriend, who cheated with and eventually married my little sister. Been there, done that, don't want to do that again. I am a lot less tolerant of things than I used to be, but I've been through a lot over the last seven years. I'd rather be by myself than with a cheater. I also agree with Maggie about people having it in them to cheat. My ex-boyfriend was a cheater, his brother cheated on his wife, and his dad cheated on his mom. Nuff said. And my sister married him. Who got the better end of that deal?

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 2:00pm
I could not stay with someone that repeatedly cheated with someone else. A one night stand I might consider working through, but c'mon, 9 months????

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:05pm
I would weigh the whole picture.

If my life is better with him and he loved me then I would work through it with counseling, especially if he was sorry and made such an effort.

It would not be easy.

As an aside, a friend went through this. The mistress dumped all of his clothes on their lawn!! Her husband really loved her and he made a lot of money and was a good husband/father. So they worked it out.

Now that I have been in the dating world I can see that there are few prospects and I believe it is better to fix what you have than to start over.

The key is the word "fixable" - it has to be fixable.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-13-2004 - 4:21pm
Just my thoughts . . .

While I don't know that I could get over a 9 month emotional and sexual affair . . . I also doubt that I could "get over" a one night stand. I could imagine myself thinking: "Does our marriage and our vows and our life together mean so little to you and do you disrespect me SO MUCH that you would be willing to risk EVERYTHING for a roll in the hay?"

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 3:04am
My X cheated on me and I would have taken him back, I tried, because he said he wasn't seeing her anymore and he wanted to try and did everything to act like he was. I did it only because my daughter was 3 months old, otherwise, I wouldn't have. BUT! In reality I found out he was still seeing her, so I filed the divorce permeanetly. His parents told me I should deal with it, this is EUROPE and that in Europe, it is very normal for men to have a mistress; it's accepted. I said, I will not do as the Romans do. End of storie, either with me, or without me, but not having your cake and eat it too. I realized I wanted to have my own life, free and meet the right man, not be married to a cheater just for the sake of the children.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:30am
I'm all for not staying for the sake of the kids. I mean is it really healthy for the children to see their mother or father being punished on a constant basis while the other parent goes out and cheats? NOT AT ALL! This is why I didn't go back. Scott was horrible to me anyway and put me down, rejected me sexually, and made me feel stupid all the time. He made fun of things I liked and tried to act like he was just joking with me. It has scarred me emotionally and I still struggle with that. It even caused me to keep my interests a secret from Shane sometimes or to not want to try new things in front of him because of how I was treated. But I still tried to make that marriage work not matter what. But after I finally left him, he begged for me to come back and that's when I realized what he had done. I left for good that time. 36 hours after I came back. I just knew he had been with this other woman he worked with and I couldn't handle it.

Maybe I just didn't love him enough to try to handle it. But it's over now and I'm happy. I grew up and became independent and realized I CAN make it.

I am proud of my cousin-in-law for being so brave to take her husband at his word and try to rebuild their marriage and I'm proud of him for showing his remorse the way he did. I seriously doubt he'd cheat again. If so, he'd have to confess all over again to those he lied to. And he lied to all of them. Everyone thought he was one place when he was with this girl all along. And Shane even lived with them during part of this!! And you can't fool Shane easily. He's pretty sharp. Luckily, they have no children. So it was easier to get the fights out there, scream if they had to and to schedule counseling when they needed to go. It's so much harder with kids to do all of this. You can't scream at each other, slam doors, or any of that with a child in the house.

I just hope they make it. And I pray each day for the strength she has because if anything like that ever happened to me again, I think it would kill me.

Mel

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Avatar for mom_x_three
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 07-14-2004 - 11:51am
I would if he was truly repentant (which means more than just "sorry" but to "turn away from")

AND if he was willing to do the real WORK that it would require to regain my trust, and heal the marriage.

Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters

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