Would you stay if he cheated?
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| Tue, 07-13-2004 - 12:00pm |
Some of us went thru this before. My ex cheated. I had left him before I knew for sure. We had other issues that caused me to go, but I found out for sure he strayed and definitely was not prepared to go back.
I am not strong enough to accept that and move on. Or maybe I just didn't love him enough to try.
Shane's cousin had a nine month long affair with a woman out of town. His wife worked nights so it was easy for him to do this. He'd meet her half way. After some time, he begant o feel guilty and he confessed. Not only did he confess to HER, but he personally called her parents, his parents, his brother, Shane, her twin sister, etc. He confessed to all of these people without being prompted to do so. He also agreed to couple's counseling and they are doing very well. Shane begged her not to leave his cousin. Shane was married to her twin and told this woman she was better than her sister and to not quit this marriage. She never went anywhere. She stayed. They worked thru it. Yes, she still has her days. But they are doing well.
I admire her for doing what she did and I often wonder if Shane were to do that (which he wouldn't and I know this) would I stay? I know I love him more than I ever loved my ex. Would I be able to look at him the same way again?
What would you do?
Mel

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My actions would depend on a lot of different things.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Mel, I wouldn't stay unless the entire situation was very remarkable and the man was as sorry as the one you described, and as willing to go to counseling and heal the marriage....and even then, there would be a big WHY???
I think you're right about some people having the tendency and other not having it. I know Shane does not. He was FURIOUS with his cousin for doing that. I think he was most afraid to tell Shane about it than anyone else...including her family. Shane wore him out over it. As he should have. I know my ex has it in him and not just because he did it, but because it's in his family. His dad did it, his brother STILL does it, and he did it too.
I'm just happy I'm married to a mant hat believes in love and committment. And I wish his cousin and his wife all the luck in the world. They really seem to have gotten past it and love each other very much.
Mel
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Donna
If my life is better with him and he loved me then I would work through it with counseling, especially if he was sorry and made such an effort.
It would not be easy.
As an aside, a friend went through this. The mistress dumped all of his clothes on their lawn!! Her husband really loved her and he made a lot of money and was a good husband/father. So they worked it out.
Now that I have been in the dating world I can see that there are few prospects and I believe it is better to fix what you have than to start over.
The key is the word "fixable" - it has to be fixable.
While I don't know that I could get over a 9 month emotional and sexual affair . . . I also doubt that I could "get over" a one night stand. I could imagine myself thinking: "Does our marriage and our vows and our life together mean so little to you and do you disrespect me SO MUCH that you would be willing to risk EVERYTHING for a roll in the hay?"
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
Maybe I just didn't love him enough to try to handle it. But it's over now and I'm happy. I grew up and became independent and realized I CAN make it.
I am proud of my cousin-in-law for being so brave to take her husband at his word and try to rebuild their marriage and I'm proud of him for showing his remorse the way he did. I seriously doubt he'd cheat again. If so, he'd have to confess all over again to those he lied to. And he lied to all of them. Everyone thought he was one place when he was with this girl all along. And Shane even lived with them during part of this!! And you can't fool Shane easily. He's pretty sharp. Luckily, they have no children. So it was easier to get the fights out there, scream if they had to and to schedule counseling when they needed to go. It's so much harder with kids to do all of this. You can't scream at each other, slam doors, or any of that with a child in the house.
I just hope they make it. And I pray each day for the strength she has because if anything like that ever happened to me again, I think it would kill me.
Mel
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AND if he was willing to do the real WORK that it would require to regain my trust, and heal the marriage.
Sherry<with 3 kids, 2 beautiful granddaughters
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