Advice needed about Dylan

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Advice needed about Dylan
10
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 1:15pm
Ladies, I'm worried! Scott has called me twice in two days about D's behavior. He's been with him all summer except for six days he stayed with me thru July 4th holidays. Anyway, he's been hitting, pinching, scratching and kicking his step brothers and he's been instigating a lot of things (from what his step mom says). Scott said that Dylan scratched his oldest step brother yesterday and made him bleed because his step brother wanted to go to his own room from a few minutes alone.

Okay, here's the deal...

Scott is less than stern with D most of the time, yet he claims to go home and spank him when he hears of this behavior. He says that D thrown huge tantrums that last for long periods of time. He never does this here. He has tantrums, but not for long periods. Mostly just pouts. Also, they recently moved into the house that Scott and I bought in MS. They gave D's old room to the oldest child. My mother thinks that Dylan is seeing this house as "our" house because his last experience in there was when we all lived there as a family. He might resent his step family being there and his old room being taken by his older step brother. Plus he's maybe missing his home here and acting out. It might be time for him to just come on home.

I'm taking him to the doctor when he gets back so I can ask her advice on this behavior. I just hope it isn't something he needs meds for. He has been accused of being aggressive before. But I've never seen it. I can't have him being sent home from school. So it needs to be handled now.

Any advice? Does this wound familiar to anyone else?

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 1:47pm
Mel, I'm sorry that Dylan is going through this.

Isn't he 4? I have said time and time again that with Jojo, terrible twos were nothing, threes were fine . . . but he was LUCKY to make it to his 5th birthday cause I almost killed him that year!

I think there could be several factors. One could definitely be the house situation - but hasn't been a long time since he lived in that house? Does he remember it as "his" house? Jojo has no recollection of ever living with ex and I together - at all - and NOTHING of the house we shared. Another thing could simply be having to constantly deal with his step brothers - since he is "normally" an only child who simply doesn't have to deal with sharing space, toys, mom's attention, dad's attention. Another thing could be it's simply too long away from you - who is his stability and security.

When Jojo was 4 - my sweet, loving, compassionate, snuggle little boy turned into an aggressive, defiant monster. There were times I would pick him up from preschool and be met by the director with a negative report. When he first started kindergarten - he had two REALLY bad weeks - where I seriously thought "my word, they are kick him out of school!" Once he was comfortable with the setting and the teacher and became familiar with the expectations - he changed completely. At the end of the year - his teacher told me "in the beginning - I didn't know if we would make it with him. He turned out to be one of my best students of the year, and one of the most enjoyable students of my career."

I think what Dylan is going through is just part of growing up for some boys. While I wouldn't hesitate taking him to the doctor - personally - I would never allow my children to be put on meds until exhaustive testing had been done and every other treatment option (cognitive therapy, behavioral modification, etc.) had been tried.

Best wishes. Maybe it's as simple as just needing his mama.

And oh - one more comment - spanking a 4 or 5 year old when one gets home from work when the misbehavior occurred hours before is highly ineffective. I hope you can convince Scott of that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 1:59pm
You just described my future step-son Ethan :)

Here’s my opinion:

I don’t think what you described is behavior that is going to need medication. If I remember correctly your son is around 4 or 5? Am I correct? Ethan is 4 ½.

When E goes postal I look at what the circumstances leading up to the behavior are…it is usually the older kids telling him he can’t play because he’s too young, or he doesn’t know how, or he can’t do it right…etc… OR he is way over due on his nap and needs to take one so he can be human again.

Maybe Dylan is feeling a little displaced or perhaps a little like the outsider and is seeking attention to make up for it? How much time are Daddy or the other kids spending with him? Are they including him in their play time, games, activities?

At this age, negative attention is ok, as long as it is attention, and sometimes the only way to get it is to do something really bad.

Here's what D and I did to help get Ethan to stop being violently aggressive:

D and I established “House Rules” for the kids. There are only 5 but they encompass many things. 1) No Fighting 2) Respect and Obey the Grown Ups, 3) Keep the house clean, 4) No whining and 5) Respect Each Other. We held a family meeting, discussed what they meant, and how they applied, and had each child recite them. We explained that they were not only responsible for following the rules, but that they had to help remind each other to follow them as well. At the end we all made a pinky promise that we were going to do our best to follow the rules. The "pinky promise" is a HUGE deal for Little E. He now has all the rules memorized. When he starts to get a little testy, we remind him that he is breaking rule #1 or #5 or whichever and he stops. It’s working out quite well.

Kids need rules, and routine. D is probably missing that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:43pm
Yeah, Dyl is 5 now. I feel like most of it is for attention. I mean one thing I didn't mention is that he peed in my car on the way back to his daddy's. I was so upset because it's a new car with leather seats. Not good. He had just asked to go potty, I stopped right away and he was wet. He claims he couldn't wait, but he never had a problem holding it for longer periods before. I think he was trying to tell me something. He didn't seem excited to get into Scott's car either.

I'm just in tears over this. I miss him and want him home. Monday, I plan to go get him.

Mel

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Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:50pm

Without reading any of the other answers yet, this is my first reaction.


You said "Plus he's maybe missing his home here and acting out"...and I would have to agree. Ty started to be mean to his cousin a week ago, and I got on the phone with him and had a chat. But that will WORK when they're rational (well, somewhat) at 10 years of age. Old enough to be spoken to from 1300 miles away and have it make a difference. Ty was instigating trouble, picking on the little ones, and in general just being a jerk. And KNOWING it. Saying "Yeah, I just felt like it" when confronted. I was STEAMED. He was in tears by the time we got done "chatting" about it. He's lucky he wasn't home. He admitted to feeling sad and frustrated and more than a little homesick.


He's back under control now, but his reaction was VERY normal I think.


Is bringing D home now an option? Would Scott be understanding? Sounds to me like he just needs his normal life back.


I highly doubt you need to take him to the Doc, but if that'll make you feel better go for it. I am sure you'll see him normal out pretty quickly.


And I just want to say I COMPLTELY sympathize with your wanting to see him and hold him RIGHT NOW. Ty was sick a couple weeks ago. I found out he'd had a sleepless night, a HORRIBLE allergic reaction that basically disfigured his face with hives (they calmed down with benadryl thank God) and a night vomiting. I was trying to hard not to be upset, but I felt really distraught that I couldn't be there to take care of my boy's discomfort. I was so sad. My sister is great, but she's not HIS mom. There's no replacement for that. I hope you can get him on Monday.


Hugs!!!



Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 3:53pm

a 4 or 5 year old when one gets home from work when the misbehavior occurred hours before is highly ineffective. .... VERY True. I agree.


Not only that, I found with Tyler that during a tantrum, the WORST POSSIBLE THING TO DO was apply any kind of "corporal" punishment. It wasn't appropriate for the moment, and just usually fueled the fire.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 5:42pm
I'm completely in agreement with this. My view is that first of all, you don't tell a child not to hit then hit them as punishment. Two wrongs don't make a right. Also, an issue needs to be dealt with THEN, not later. Especially with a younger child. They have thought of other things since then.

I am going to get him Monday. They are begging me to. What I feel is bad is that they have given up. And they have the ability to do so since he lives with me. I can't give up. I have to be there. He's my son. If he acts up with Shane and me, I can't send him elsewhere. I have to deal with it. I think he needs to come home an dI'm not gonna contest that, but they need to learn to grow up and take charge. He will act out sometimes and they need to learn to handle that and not call me crying that he is bugging them. Scott wanted him to live with them so bad, yet he's begging after just a short time to let him come back home so they can have a life.

It's just wrong!

Mel

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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Fri, 07-16-2004 - 8:33pm

Hi Mel


I'm chiming in late because I've been away and tonight is really the first chance I've had to respond to posts.


I know how torn you must be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 2:40pm
Hi Mel,

Sorry you have to go through this. I think Scott is the one who needs the meds to control his temper and not spank a 4 year old sweet boy.

It sounds to me like less would be more in this case - meaning Dylan should spend shorter time periods over there. You just can't expect to throw a 4 or 5 year old boy in a whole new situation for so many days and not have a reaction like that. He is not able to articulate how he feels and probably no one is paying attention so he acts out. I am betting those older boys did something to warrant that reaction. I doubt if the step mom could really be objective. It must be hard on her anyway to have all those kids home by herself.

I would suggest you find a way to send him there for long weekends and have mommy time in between until he gets older.

I would definitely rescue him as soon as possible - maybe just say that he probably need some down time. He is not used to so many people and is so little and this has never happened before and blah blah blah.

I don't think you should point fingers - just find solutions that favor Dyl.

Hugs!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 3:23pm
I also feel like he's not getting the attention he needs. He's used to being an only child, so it's hard to compete with the other boys. Plus he isn't her child, so regardless of her words, she is favoring her's over him. Even in the most subtle way. It's natural and I don't blame her for it totally. But she needs to be a little more sensitive to his feelings. He misses home. He loves Shane and me. I'm his mommy. His whole life right now.

Scott is at work all the time, just like he was while we were married. Goes in very early and comes home late. Poor D! He just loves his father and has no time with him. Why Scott asked for this lengthy visit, I have no idea. It's done nothing for our son. The long vacation was good. Take him on the trip and let him come back to us where he belongs.

As for regular visits, he does just go every other weekend normally. Friday night until Sunday later in the day. Usually 6PM drop off/pick up. It's per our divorce agreement. So normally, he has just the average visitation, but this time, Scott's wife got to take off work with an income package so she took it. Hey, I would too. And D was gonna stay most of the summer because it was the one and only time this would happen. I was not thrilled with saying goodbye, but, I thought it would be good for D to spend more time with his daddy. Boy was I wrong! He is getting no quality time at all.

So anyway, he's coming home Monday.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 4:04pm
Good to hear you are going to get him.

Yes - this long visit was not a good idea. That many kids in a house all day is a challenge for anyone and I am sure Dylan was very frustrated that he did not get to spend quality time with his dad plus he probably missed you and his routine.

I am betting, too, that it was hard on the step mom to spend her vacation that way and have all the kids going bananas. You and Dylan should not take that personally.