Down and out today...

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Down and out today...
7
Sat, 07-17-2004 - 11:28pm
Ladies, I just have to vent because I'm having a bad day, and it seems like lately I've been more depressed than happy. I stayed in bed most of the day today. I didn't do anything with my kids today which is a rarity, because I always make it a point to do something on Saturday's with them, even if it's going to the park.

I've just been thinking about everything I've gone through and how much more I have to go through before I am truly happy. I love my children, they are my life. I want so much for them to look at me and see a great person and someone they can look up to, but it is so hard. I get complaints now that my twins are 9yrs old, because they are getting to the age where they want to start wearing nicer things and name brand sneakers. I don't have the money for that. I barely get support from their father - it's been 3months since I've gotten it last because he wasn't working, and I don't make enough to buy the things they want.

I'm using all my money right now to redo their rooms and make it really nice for them, and school is starting soon so I have to put money away for their school clothing and everything. I just feel like a failure sometimes, because I want them to have everything! I really do! I fought so hard to get my kids after me and their father split. He fought me for custody because he didn't want to pay support. He took my children away for two weeks and I couldn't do anything about it because we were still legally married. I wasn't allowed to contact him because I had a protection from abuse order against him, and he filed one on behalf of my kids saying all kinds of lies about me. He was allowed to keep me from seeing or speaking to them for two weeks until we went to court and the judge found out what a liar this man was and how devastated I was. He knew the only way to hurt me for leaving him was to go through my children.

Since that wonderful day I got them back (even though it was two weeks it seemed like a lifetime to me) I promised that I would do something with them every Saturday. Make it a family day and go somewhere. This is the first time in 5yrs that I've broken that. I've just been so down lately. I see myself getting older, and there is so much I want to do in life. I want to go back to school to better my career and move my kids out of the city. I want to be give my children lasting memories, and I can't even afford to buy them sneakers, let alone do something like Disney. I also (and this has nothing to do with the kids) but I want to settle down. I was single for most of the time I've been separated. Now that I'm single again, the last year was great being with someone. I miss the cuddling and the talks and the "I love you." And I don't mean from him, I mean in general. I want all of those things. I want companionship and I want to be happy. I want my children to see a healthy relationship, not what they saw with me and their father. I want them to see me happy, and I want to be happy. I don't NEED someone to make me happy, 4 out of the 5 years, I was content just being with my kids, but now that I'm single again, I just feel horrible.

I feel like it took so long for me to allow someone in my life and be able to trust. Not be scared that if I said something wrong I would get hit, or that I wasn't good enough and every man was a cheater. It's so hard having four children to even find a man. Every man out here thinks that you'll pawn your children on the first guy that asks you out. My only real boyfriend since my split wasn't even allowed past my front porch for the first 5 months, then he was only allowed in when their dad had them or they were asleep. He met them later. I don't want my children to see me dating a lot. I don't want them confused. Their father has enough women in and out of his house to confuse them enough for the both of us. They can't even remember their names. I just don't want to end up alone. I really don't. I know I still have a lot of time, but I'm just depressed and thinking about it right now.

I just want so much out of life. I want a better life for my children and I want someone to share it all with me. I want someone to see all the wonderful things my children will accomplish through the years, and see what amazing little boys I have. See them grow up and share in this beautiful family. I want my children to have it all because they're the best thing that has ever happened to me. They are my world, and I'm so blessed to have the love of not only one, but four little men, who I'm so thankful for having everyday. And they really deserved to go somewhere today....I feel horrible. I really have to make it up to them. They didn't even notice which makes me feel worse. I don't even know why. I should be greatful that the didn't nag that we didn't do anything. but that's how my kid's are. I just wish I could do so much more for them. I really do!

Okay, that's enough venting for now, I have to make plans do something tomorrow after church. Thanks for hearing me out in this long and drawn out post!





iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 12:37am
((((((((ybaby25))))))))))))

Yes, you most defintely DESERVE to have someone in your life who will care about you and your children...share in your joys...and help you through your sorrows.

A healthy relationship for your boys to see...and emulate when they have their own relationships.

I want the same for me with my two children. I came from a dysfunctional family, one in which both of my parents aslo came from dysfunctional families.

So I completly understand and empathsize with you.

But you also need to remember that you are HUMAN! Your sons know this...which is why they gave you some slack today. I applaud your only having missed one sat. in 5 years.

I stuggle with wanting to do the same with my children, wanting to spend quality time with them...give them rich life experiences,; however, time is not my problem, serious depression is.

Yet, I do know that if I do not ever find that loving relationship that I seek, my children will still have the most important thing from me...showing them that I did not just choose a man to have a relationship...I loved them and showed them the most important thing of all...

That I don't NEED someone in my life...I Want someone in my life. You are showing your children the same.


You are entitled to have a bad hour/day/week...etc.

It is not easy...you are doing the best that you can. Your children know this...and love you for it.

Have a joyous Sunday...be well.

Jennifer

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 12:27pm
I'm so sorry that you're feeling blue. Like most of us, you have tons going on in your life. It's tough having to tell your kids no. But is it really best to let them have everything? I work in a school with some really affluent kids and they're never satisfied with their lot either. I've taught my kids two important Rolling Stone songs, you can't always get what you want and satisfaction. They know that I work really hard, but there isn't that much money. They also know that they're a priority on the budget. It's disappointing, but remember it's not the stuff that your mom got you, it's the time she spent with you that you will carry with you forever.

Did you hear what Halle Berry said about men? She's the pie and a man in her life would be the cherry. The pie is fine without the cherry on top. I think it's true. Our lifes are fulfilling and challenging and satisfying. A meaningful relationship is rewarding and all those nice things, but when you're a single mom, you just don't have the time to waste on all the frogs out there to find your prince. Timing is key. When you are ready for a relationship, it will happen.

You seem to know where you want to go, but maybe you need to sit yourself down and plan your way there...set up some small goals and benchmarks. Good luck and have a great day.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Sun, 07-18-2004 - 1:05pm
I agree so much with this posting - what fine and wise advise! :-)

I think that you are imagining an emerald city on the other side of the fence and then bumming yourself out because you are not in your imaginary city.

The only things your kids really need are a roof over their head and a happy mother who gives them unconditional love. The rest is gravy and you should not feel under pressure to give them material things, only to keep yourself happy and be there for them. You must enjoy them and what you have now because it is all you have. Believe it or not, this is the perfect opportunity to give them a lesson in life and show them how to work around adversity. Be strong and be creative.

I think the more you give kids the more they want and the less motivated they become to work harder and be self sufficient. What they really need is boundaries. They need to know what they have to do and what they cannot have. I have taught my son to be very frugal. For example, I buy his school uniforms used, we take our own drinks and popcorn to the movies, we don't eat out that much, etc. But we do have money for him to be on the swim team and for me to compete in triathlons. We both look great and are in shape and he agrees with me on these decisions.

As for wanting someone to love you, all I can say is that you must love yourself first. The more you find yourself and love yourself the less you will feel the hunger for someone else to love you. And the more loveable you will become - you will be happy on your own and deserving of someone really special.

It sounds to me like you are at one of the hardest times in your life right now. I am sure there is sunshine around the corner and that you will find it. Someone once told me that these hard times are a way of having your spiritual house remodeled. It all has to be broken down so you can build it into something new and something special.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 10:30am

Well hun -


Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:56am

Hi there


You can't beat yourself up for one day that you took for yourself to just be blah.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 07-19-2004 - 2:27pm

((((((hugs))))))

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 12:47pm
I hope you're feeling better today. You sound like a great mom. I don't know how you do it with four kids. I have just my twins, and they wear me out. You have twins, plus two. I know it's hard sometimes to see the good when all that comes out is the bad. We all need encouragement and a pat on the back. So consider this your pat on the back.

I just wanted to tell you that I could really relate to some of the things you said in your post. I also try to do at least one thing with my kids on the weekend. They wanted to go to the pool Sunday after church, but I was on my feet for four hours, and I was in a lot of pain. I really disappointed them, but I just couldn't help it. But I know it makes us feel bad. Try not to worry too much about the materialistic stuff. I know that's easier said than done. I just think that as long as we give our kids the time and attention that they need, they won't care so much about materialistic things. Because my foot was hurting Sunday, we just hung around the house. I promised them that after dinner I would play a game with them since we couldn't go to the pool. My twins are only 7, so playing games (they are really into Go Fish right now) is a big deal to them. So that kind of made up for the pool.

The other part of your post that really hit home for me was when you said that you don't need someone, but you want someone. I couldn't have said it better myself. I've also been alone most of the seven years since my ex left. I had only two relationships during that time, and they weren't very good. I liked the comment someone made about our life being a pie and a man in our life would be the cherry on top. I couldn't agree more. I also like the comment about us not having time for all the frogs in the world. Unfortunately, my last two relationships were with frogs. It's a lot harder to find the princes out there. I also want to find someone to share my life with -- I don't need them -- I do fine on my own, just like you. I've even learned how to make the most out of my time alone without being lonely (something I thought I would never be able to do). Personally, I miss the little stuff like having someone to talk to at the end of a bad day or someone to share good news with. Someone to hold you're hand when you're not feeling good -- little stuff like that. Someone to connect with on an adult level in all ways, emotionally, spiritually and physically. You're definitely not alone in wanting someone to share your life with. I think a lot of single moms hope for finding that special someone out there. Maybe we'll get lucky some day. Until then, we have to "keep pushin on" and remember, "only the strong survive" (two songs by REO Speedwagon that give me a lot of inspiration when I'm feeling down). Good luck to you and big hugs.

Donna