Dealing with the EX /and BF- LONG!
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| Mon, 07-19-2004 - 11:08am |
I need to vent about my ex...
He is such a deadbeat loser its incredible. Im sorry but REALLY most would agree. EX has every other weekend visitation - 5:00 pm Friday pick up and 5:00 pm drop off (at my house- he had trouble with this - would drop them off at his mothers ) on Sundays. Every time its his weekend SOMETHING happens - either he cancels or he will call Sunday morning to say "something has come up" and wants to bring them back early. At first I would answer the phone and rearrange my chedule to meet him because well its my kids. Well I learned after awhile that he cannot expect me to do this.. he needs to only do this in an emergency. He has had no emergencies. He also has paid NO child support - I mean NONE because he has been unemployed. He just got a 9.00 an hour job last week apparently so now I am chasing CSE AGAIN but with 9.00 wont expect to get much. He lives with a woman (woman he was having affair with- reason

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Hi Marybeth
I am so glad I don't have to deal with this.
I agree and totally sympathize with you that this sucks and your ex is a total poophead.
But you can't change him - you can only change/control YOUR reaction and attitude.
How would your story appear if you expected your ex NOT to keep the boys until 5:30 and you calmly said, no problem and took them back? I have a feeling that would be less upsetting and less dramatic than what you went through. And it would be less stressful on you and Jerry for you to leave earlier or get the kids. Or to have it work out like you did with him keeping them longer.
My ex and his visiting schedule is totally unreliable and unpredictable. So I don't depend on him at all. I have a slew of babysitters (some paid, some babysitting trades, some my family) and when I want to do something I do it. He fits in wherever BUT he also sees that he is the one missing out on his time with his son so he attempts to do better when he can (it wasn't always like that but is better now).
At first I used to be real mad at him like you are at your ex. But now whenever I have my son I view it as a good thing. And I see my situation as a blessing and privelege. I love the fact that I can kiss my son goodnight every night. And that I am the parent that is always there. Whenever my ex jostles the schedule and I have my son extra I see that as good because it means I am the one with the control over the influences in my son's life.
Your ex will only have control over you to the extent that you let him. I am sorry you have to go through this. But the reality is that if your ex was such a nice person he would not be in the divorce boat.
How would your story appear if you expected your ex NOT to keep the boys until 5:30 and you calmly said, no problem and took them back? I have a feeling that would be less upsetting and less dramatic than what you went through. And it would be less stressful on you and Jerry for you to leave earlier or get the kids. Or to have it work out like you did with him keeping them longer.
I think that if there is something important that you have to do, you could have an on-call babysitter. And if you are not doing anything important you have to bite the bullet and take them back. This is the price that the custodial parent pays. I look at it as the price for kissing my son goodnight every night. My ex travels for his work so he changes the schedule every week and sometimes at the last minute.
I think too, that you have to see that your ex is doing the best he can given his situation. He doesn't have a job, is such a dodo he had an affair and is living with and at the mercy of a lady with a 2 year old. It is just not stable now. Hopefully it will get better at one point.
Also, as my counselor pointed out, you have to allow your ex to be a dad in the way he wants to be, not in the way you think he should be.
At least he called you in advance and thankfully it worked out that he took them longer. You should commend him for that - I find that it helps if you can catch the ex doing something right and acknowledge it.
Mary Beth,
I don't have much to add on this. I know it's insanely frustrating. When I first got visitation set up with my ex, I thought "Whoo Hoo!!! Time for ME!" But as is typical, my ex would want to have Ty for a few hours on his weekend, and then drop Ty off JUST IN TIME for him to go out...and for me to stay in. And while I DID appreciate that I was the more stable parent and that I certainly was glad to be there for my son, I wanted to stomp my feet and pout "What about ME and MY TIME????!!!!"
I know how you feel. We never got it resolved. He quit taking any visitation after a short time and dropped out of his son's life.
BUT, I did want to comment on Jerry and the way this affects your relationship. I personally feel like Jerry needs to NOT remind you of what a creep your ex is, and how unfair it all is, and how frustrated it makes HIM and how he'd like to wring your ex's neck....He needs to be SUPPORTIVE. That's what a single mom needs. It's too bad for Jerry that this is an intrusion, but he needs to decide if he can handle it and then make a commitment to you to not trash talk your ex. He also needs to be certain that he can and WILL be prepared to deal with intrusion into his time with you, because that is in fact what dating a single mom often is.
Hugs. Not meaning to be harsh about Jerry at all. I just think maybe it's time for a heart to heart on how he can best support you in this frustration.
Thanks BEcky-
MB, I don't really have any words of wisdom for you.
You have gotten a lot of good advice, and I can only add what has worked for me in the past. I have to say, you have your hands full. My ex is a pain in the butt, but no where near what you are dealing with. I had issues with pick up and drop offs, and lately, what works for me is that I drive my kids to his house and I pick them up. It's an hour's drive for me, and it's inconvenient sometimes, but sometimes it's just easier than to deal with his unpredictability. I don't always do this, but I leave it as an option, if it fits with my schedule. And I tell my ex that that's how it's going to be. He never argues, because I'm the one doing the driving.
As for Jerry's frustration with the situation, it's just because he cares about you and he doesn't want to see you be hurt by your ex. For what it's worth, I'll tell you how I handled that part. The two guys I dated after my ex left did not like my ex. My ex can be a very mean person, and he's not nice to me. He likes to put me down and tell me everything that I do wrong. Admittedly, that is hard for someone you date to hear someone bashing their girlfriend. My first boyfriend wanted to control the visitation situation and he would tell me not to let my kids see their dad. I never listened to him. I did what was right. The second boyfriend got so angry at my ex that he wanted to kick his butt every time he dropped the kids off. I was always worried that they would come to blows - but they never did. I've become older and wiser since those days. My ex is mean and he always will be mean to me. That's not going to change. I had to change how I dealt with it. I realized that venting my frustrations about my stupid ex to my bf was not good to do. It just got everyone riled up and grew animosity. When I'm with my current bf there will be times that my ex calls or I have to call me ex. My bf understands that and it's no big deal. He's even pretty understanding about the sometimes unpredictablity of pick ups and drop offs. I have just stopped venting my frustrations about my ex on my bf. He knows some things, but I kind of try to limit what I say. If I really need to rant and rave, I call a family member, or a friend or I vent here on the board. I just want to avoid the situation where my bf wants to kick my ex's butt whenever he sees him. Been there, don't want to go there again. I know Jerry hears things because he is with you when your ex calls. When that happens, try to move on and not let it ruin your night. I also agree with the people that said it is a total control issue on your ex's part. He's doing it on purpose to get to you. Show him it doesn't get to you -- even it aggravates the heck out of you -- he doesn't need to know that. If he ruins your night with Jerry, he wins. Don't let him win. My ex tried to pull that crap right when I met my current bf. One day when my ex called about visitation, very calmly (which is hard for me because I'm Irish and German, and a stubborn Scorpio to boot), I said to him basically, look, you have moved on, you're remarried, and you're happy. I deserve to have the same happiness that you have. This guy is the nicest guy I've ever met, and I'm not going to let you mess this up for me. My ex is still verbally mean to me because he thinks I do everything wrong, but as for interfering with my dates, that has stopped. I guess I did do something right.
Believe me, you deal with a lot more than I deal with, and I commend you. Take the upper road, and don't let your ex have the control. It takes a while for it to come about, but if you put your foot down like you have been, he might just one day get it. Good luck and lots of hugs.
Donna
Donna - thank you for the incredible warm and caring post - it meant alot to me!
I agree I need to not look to Jerry when I need to vent about ex.
I also need to not let EX control my emotions.
I will keep this in mind when I see him tonight when he drops off the boys!
(HUGS) MaryBeth
We, unfortunately have to play it by ear and monitor it with my ex so never rely on him if it's really crucial because he might just flake out or fall off the wagon and get high so we'd decide we couldn't leave her anyway. And I totally understand Jerry's frustration. Funny, MG is much more patient with my ex so that's why he makes all the arrangements. For now things are fine but never predictable. ;(
Guess I don't have good advice but definite sympathy. And as for the suggestion about having an "emergency" sitter lined up as you know from my searching for a sitter post, easier said than done. I work full time with folks that don't have kids and don't have a lot of socialization time with folks that do or play groups, etc and don't have in town family so it's not as easy as people think to arrange alternatives. Sorry for the soapbox. I'm sure I haven't been much help but huge hugs.
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