Freinds with an ex-(okay)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Freinds with an ex-(okay)
12
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:44pm

Whats your opinion about being freinds with an ex? Not a father/mother to your kids because you have to maintain some sort of freindship with that person. Im talking someone that you dont have that tie with. Would you care if your significant other was freindly with an ex. Or are you freindly with an ex?


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Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 4:54pm

I think we had a pretty good discussion about this very thing not too long ago.

Avatar for alysonsmommy
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 6:02pm
I'm friends with two fo my ex's.
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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 7:41pm
It is funny you should mention this - I just got a call from an exboyfriend today at work, too. My first gut reaction when I realized it was him on the phone was that I don't wish to be very friendly with him. I see no purpose to that and don't want to waste my time. I don't harbor ill feelings because it was not meant to be, but I don't want to be chatty either.

I know I can be civil towards my exs but I would never be close friends with them. And I would not want my SO to be that way either, unless there is a reason - such as kids, job, etc.

I did have a dear friend from high school that I kept in touch with for a number of years through college and afterwards (before I got married). We decided to proceed into the romantic realm with our relationship and it just didn't work out. I lost all contact with him until after my divorce - about 12 years later - when a mutual friend saw him at a class reunion. We were delighted at first to talk and catch up. But this eventually didn't work because he still has feelings for me. He is a nice person and I went out with him a few times - just on casual dates - but I have no chemistry whatsoever. The bummer is that whenever he has too much to drink it seeps out that he still is attracted to me and wants me to sleep with him. So now we have not had contact for over a year.

He is the only one I would consider being in a close platonic relationship/friendship with but that cannot work for obvious reasons.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Tue, 07-20-2004 - 8:11pm
My SO and I have that in common. My ex-boyfriend from high school/college and I have been best friends for over 15years. His best friend is his ex-girlfriend from high school. Both are pre-existing ongoing friendships that we had before we met each other and we disclosed them to each other right away to make sure we were each ok with it. Neither one of has a problem with it now.

However, with that said, I would have a problem with the scenario you presented because this is not someone who you maintained a friendship with prior to meeting Jerry and so you would be choosing to reintroduce him into your life now.

When a woman D used to date (before meeting me) suddenly started calling and emailing him again asking to be friends. I had a huge problem with it. She would call and ask him if he could coach her in swimming or if it would be ok for his boys and her son to have play dates together, etc. I trusted D totally, but I didn’t trust her intentions. He respectfully declined her offers of friendship.

And I did the same when a guy I used to date, contacted me after I had become exclusive with D. It would have been easy for me to maintain a platonic friendship with the guy, but I didn’t trust his intentions, so I let it go out of respect for my relationship with D.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:11am

Being friends or reconnecting with an old flame, but as just friends, is such a tricky and grey area.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:14am

MAJOR UPDATE!!!!


I WILL NOT be freindly with this EX. His intentions were to try and win me back! He called to apologize and tell me he still LOVED me and wanted to know if I was in a position to want to date again. Ummm sorry buddy...nope! He actually cried. Oh ---how incredibly awkward.


By the way I talked to Jerry about this and he said he wouldnt have a problem with me being freindly with an ex--but of course it all depends on the ex

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 12:06pm

Well at least he told you his intentions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:18pm

Hi MB, oh how awkward for you!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:42pm

Well he of course started out the conversation with casual talk- catch up on how things are - what we are doing in life. He then all of a sudden came out with - you know I have been thinking about you alot lately and it was "downhill from there" ; I handled it by saying I appreciated that he called and apologized but that I let go a long time ago and have moved on with my life and I am very happy. I said that I did always did wonder what happened (we broke up and he was engaged a month later!- they never got married) and it was nice to know now. I also told him that I forgive him (he kept apologizing for what he did/put me through) and I do wish that he will be happy. We do travel in a social circle where we will see one another sometime...it will be awkward if he is still single- lets hope he meets someone else SOON!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 5:59pm
I know you resolved this - but I'm responding anyway. Friday, I would have told you "no harm" today . . . what a different story.

Saturday night after a concert, I went with my dh and 3 of our friends to a bar. I walk in and I run into my old high school buddy that I had a VERY brief thing with after my divorce. He and I have stayed in touch, TT knows him, I know his wife (she and I went to hs together - we never "hung out" but we had some classes together and we were friends . . . they were divorced when he and I had our brief thing. 2 WEEKS after I ended our brief thing (which lasted about 3 weeks) - he got a call from his wife that she was pregnant. He went to pick up the kids, she was drunk, he ended up staying the night . . blah, blah, blah. When they found out she was pregnant they had the divorce overturned (they had only been divorced 9 months - state law you can overturn a divorce for 12 months after the date) and got back together. Had another another kid since that one . . . and he and I have remained "friends" - we email on occassion - I stopped by with a gift for the birth of both babies, I see his wife (who I genuinely like) at the gym on occasion and we always speak, we (TT and I and both boys) went over there for a bbq. TT knows all about everything that happened with him - I know his wife knows nothing.

So anyway . . . he is there . . . and drunk off of his butt. Completely. (over a thousand bars in this city and I have to go to the one he is at?) So TT goes and sits down with everyone and says "you should go say hi to him - you should invite him and his wife and the kids over after we move to play." So I do . . . . and he starts telling me that he misses me, he misses "us", that he could kick himself for letting me get away, that he feels "trapped" with his wife and the kids, that he feels we were the best thing ever, what can he do to make it right? blah, blah, blah. I look at him and tell him "I ended it with you BEFORE you found out your wife was pregnant, remember? Because I didn't want a relationship with you? Because I just wanted to be friends, remember? I was not interested in a relationship with you THEN, and I'm certainly not now. You need to pull your head out of your arse and commit to your wife and commit to your marriage and to your kids and stop living in this fantasy world of you and I ever having ANYTHING. You need to NOT contact me because obviously you are fooling yourself thinking you can be my friend when in reality you are simply carrying around a torch . . ." and as I'm talking I realize his facial expression has gone from one of confusion and sadness to one of horror. I turn around, and yep, like a bad movie, there is his wife, coming to pick his drunk butt up and take him home. I don't know if she heard ANY of what her husband said . . . but she heard pretty much every word of what I said. She looked at him and said "you DID have a thing with her! You lying son of a . . . . ! I asked you DIRECTLY and you denied it! Lied right to my face! I KNEW you had feelings for her! I KNEW it was more than "brotherly love" . . . all the times you told me "I love her like the sister I never had . . . " YOU DON'T SLEEP WITH YOUR SISTER!" and she stormed out. By this time TT had come over (because she was yelling at the top of her lungs - pretty much the entire bar was staring at us) . . . and basically told me "I know you want to help. I know you did nothing wrong - ever - but you need to leave this be. You need to let them deal with this." "Friend" (HA!) went chasing after his wife. I feel like an idiot - here I thought we were friends. I feel like I've betrayed his wife - - - which is silly because I haven't in any way, shape or form.

I've ALWAYS been ok with the friends afterword thing - - - and I never in a million years imagined I would have this issue. There are a few guys I dated that I am NOT friends with - because *I* couldn't be. I wasn't interested in it, I knew it would be disingenuous on my part because all I was doing was hoping they would realize *I* was the one for them! But there are a few that I thought I had genuine friendships with - this friend being one of them. Mainly because we have 13 years of friendship and 3 weeks of sex. Ridiculous. I know it's not my fault - but I still feel guilty to know that I have a small part in any of their issues - which are all brought on by him. Which is why I ended the relationship with him - because I don't think he knows how to be loyal, I know he doesn't value monogomy, our values are WORLDS apart. I don't know. I know that I talked to TT immediately about one of his exes who he is good friends with (which ticked him off - oops) and he assured me he is not carrying a torch - and since she is very happy newlywed, he doubts she is, either. I just have to let this go.

It's a bummer. It changes alot of my feelings towards other guys that I am "friends" with and makes me question their sincerity. I would HATE to think the only reason I am friends with two other exes is because they are waiting for TT and I to divorce (or die! "Friend" actually said "sometimes I imagine that TT dies and I swoop in and rescue you" WHAT?!?!?!?!?! You imagine my husband DEAD??????) and move back into my life.

A week ago, I would never have thought anything if an ex contact me to catch up. NOW - I think my first question would be "what do you want?" Pretty sad.

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