The Ex: Get On With Your Life
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| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 9:10am |
By Courtney Knowles
Equality in Marriage Institute
When a marriage ends, some sort of relationship with your ex-spouse still remains. Maybe you have children that you still need to raise together. Maybe you have mutual friends or similar social circles. Or maybe you still remain friends after the formal partnership has ended. Whatever the circumstances, here are some tips to consider when dealing with your ex after divorce.
Understand Your Motives, Know Your Limits
Rebuilding your life and your identity after a marriage can be a very lonely and challenging experience. It is very common for people to reach a point where they are romanticizing their former marriage and wanting desperately to get back certain feelings or a sense of security.
It is important in this rebuilding process to look at the pros and cons of your previous partnership objectively, and sometimes too much interaction with your ex can prevent this from happening.
If you decide to reach out to your ex-spouse for support, make sure you understand your own motives. Do you really just want someone to talk to, or are you still hanging on to the possibility of reconciliation? Realistically, will the interaction help you or hinder you on the road to creating a new life for yourself?
Even if your long-term goal is to have a lifelong friendship with your former partner, sometimes it is necessary to keep contact to a minimum while you process the divorce and move on.
Take the High Road
If your ex remains in your life because of children or mutual friends, it is important not to fall into the habit of using this link to bash or lash out at him or her. Even after your marriage has ended, certain feelings do exist and it is normal to want the people you have in common to be on "your side."
However, bringing children or friends into the ugly side of divorce is inconsiderate and unnecessary. Use your own support network to vent your feelings of anger or betrayal. Realize that divorce affects more than just you and your partner, and that all the people in your lives will have more healthy adjustments if you are taking the high road.
Balancing Compassion and Being Counterproductive
Many marriages end because one partner wanted out, while the other is left longing for a relationship they didn't want to end. This causes pain for both people involved.
If you find yourself in the position of being the one who instigated the divorce, you may also feel a great deal of guilt and responsibility at the pain your ex is experiencing because of your decision. It is a valid instinct to want to offer support to the one you have hurt.
You must also realize that your presence may be counterproductive to your ex's rebuilding and recovery process. Balance your desire to support your former spouse against the reality that he or she needs to build a new life.
If you are extremely worried about the effects of the divorce on your ex, consult a therapist who may be able to intervene and help the two of you find some sense of closure.
When you got married, you vowed to stand beside your partner for better or worse. Even when the marriage ends, if is still your responsibility to weather the worst with dignity and respect. Make decisions and behave in a way that is responsible and allows you and the people in your life to go forward peacefully and productively.
Maggie

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Most of the time my ex and I can focus on the needs of our son but every now and again he becomes bitter and says or does something mean. As time passes it has gotten easier but in times of trouble I will remember your article and mantra.
How do you handle your ex and your extended family? I have one beef with my family because they always liked my ex. They treat him as though the divorce never really happened and that gets on my nerves.
Your thoughts?
The hardest thing is finding out his gf who he is serious with has 2 small kids. At the time of the affair he didn't want any responsibility and just wanted to have fun. Wasn't in to kids. Now he is with someone with small kids.
Emotionally, I don't think I do very well alone. The lonliness is a killer. And I don't just mean guys. It is hard not to have any close friends except one.
It is like a bad dream that never goes away. How do you ever get "over it" and move on?
Hi imadreamer, I think the first step to getting over it and moving on, is to be determined to do so.
I think that in your mind you're still holding onto him, that somehow, the timing is going to be right and you'll get back together. Begin with only having a business relationship with him. Only talk about the kids and don't shoot the breeze about your job, his mother, etc. Don't get pulled in and get your hopes up. Good luck.
Thanks for your replies and support.
I have my DD 99.9% of the time. Her dad usually has her on Sundays from 12pm-7pm. So, I find it difficult to go out and have all these hobbies and take classes. Getting a sitter every time you want to out gets expensive.
I've been to counseling. I've read books.
I have felt better at times. I don't always feel this bad. But I feel like I am back sliding now. And it started in Feb. when he said he had a gf and she had 2 young kids. That hit me really hard that he was serious with someone and that someone had young kids. He always just wanted to have a good time and now he's with someone with young kids?
I feel it's hard to move on when it's in your face. When I have to see him on a regular basis. When I see him driving her car. When I hear my DD mention her name. If there wasn't a child connecting us it would be very easy to move on. It would be easy to not like him if he was mean. But he is so nice to me. And this is not the same woman he had an affair with but I don't ever want to see her or hear about her. If he married her I think it would kill me. I couldn't imagine sitting in the same church as them and seeing them together and it not bothering me.
I've been having trouble sleeping. I wake up in the middle of the night with anxiety. However, when I am out of town, I have no trouble sleeping. Is it because I live in the same town, same house, and sleep in the same bed as when we were married? I stay in the house because the mortgage and payments are so low and there is a big lack of affordable housing here. I would have to move from a house into a townhouse and the townhouses are going for more than my house is worth. Should I get out of here and be saddled with a big mortgage? Will it help if I left this place. Or would all my troubles follow me?
I don't think you should compare yourself to the girlfriend he has now. It is not about you - it is about him and his decisions for which you have no control. Who is to say that this GF is going to even workout? You should not think too far ahead with that or you will suffer.
I think you should distance yourself as best you can. Can you go to a different church?
With regards to your house I think you should stay put. But perhaps some redecorating and moving furniture around is in order? There are shows on TV that give easy ideas. New paint and slipcovers can do a world of good without too much money spent.
Pamper yourself now. I think you are going through a "divorce storm" where something reminds you of the pain you went through and it sounds to me like his new GF did that to you. Those storms strike all of us from time to time without warning and are very difficult. A divorce is very painful and it sounds like although you have done a lot with books and counseling some pain has resurfaced now.
Hugs and blessings to you - the board will help you.
I think it's natural with something as traumatic as divorce....healing or dealing comes in waves.
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