Relationship input needed (question)

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Relationship input needed (question)
10
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:13pm
Okay, I've been out of the dating thing for a long time. I've been dating the same man since the beginning of March. We are in a monogamous relationship. He has never been married and has never been out of the dating scene...so I think we're on different levels there.

We see each other when we can. I have a child. He doesn't bug me about not being able to see me all the time. Here's the thing that bugs me. We don't talk to each other every day. He never sends me emails anymore. I send him about 3 emails a week. We talk at least once every other day, but it seems like he always manages to work in a day or two during the week when we don't talk to each other.

Here's the deal for this week. He left me a voicemail on Monday telling me that he probably wouldn't be able to talk to me until Weds. He had a wake to go to Monday night...out in the boonies. And, he had to go about 90 miles away to work Tuesday and spend the night there to work there most of the day Weds. That means, he intends to call me Weds night (tonight). I kind of don't get it. He has a cell phone and minutes to spare. I don't question his fidelity. I think he's playing hard to get in some way and maybe a little bit of pay back. I recently went on a one week camping trip with my son and I absolutely couldn't call him every night because I don't get that many free minutes with my calling plan. Well, besides that, he contrives these scenarios anyway where we take a day off from talking. I don't get it. Would you be concerned or is it kind of normal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 1:40pm

Hi!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 3:26pm
He's 38. I'm 33. He's been dating his whole life and I pretty much stopped dating when I got married at age 25. I had one other boyfriend before my current boyfriend and that was 4 yrs ago.

To answer some of your questions, I can't tell if he's contriving or manipulating. He's pretty busy. He doesn't tell me not to call him. He does always tell me when he's going to call me. Or, he'll say something like. Call me tomorrow night when you get the chance. So, if he doesn't say he's going to call or if he doesn't ask me to call him...I don't call him. On a side note, he gets tons of calls from people all the time (family, friends, co-workers) and I've seen him screen calls so I don't even bother to call him for that reason...I figure he's getting plenty of other calls and if he wanted to talk to me, he'd call.

I think he's tired of the dating scene and has told me as much. He says he likes that our relationship is stress-free and that I keep in touch with him without checking up on him. It's kind of hard for me though. I've never had a boyfriend who didn't talk to me every day. But,I have to go back to my point about not really dating since age 25...because everything has changed in the 30's. We're both professionals and he works a lot. I sit in front of computer all day and he's out in the field. I know his work week is hectic and he probably needs some nights to just relax. I'd still like a quick hi/good-bye kind of a phone call every day just so I know it's not 'out of sight, out of mind'.

We'll see how it goes. Funny thing. After my first post, I noticed he had sent me an email today and said he's had a rough week so far and asked me to call him tonight after I settle in for the evening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 6:03pm
Mens' and womens' emotional needs are different.

Men need space to fall in love. A famous psychologist talked about this. "Men fall in love in the spaces". Besides, you aren't really supposed to see someone EVERY day, IMO, unless you are living together or married.

I don't think he's playing any kind of game. He just needs time.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 6:08am
I agree with all of the posts here - especially the one before this one.

You need to read the book, "men are from mars, women are from venus"

Men need time to "go in their cave" - or have time to process thoughts and think. They definitely need their space for that and you cannot take that personally. Also, they need space away from you to fall in love with you.

I think it is a very good sign that he is getting tired of the dating scene and likes that you call him to talk to him without checking up on him. And I think if you both want a committed monogamous relationship that you are in the same boat regardless of your past.

I think you should stay busy and chill and let him call and try not to freak out.

The "wait and see where this goes" strategy is always best...and always the hardest.

Good luck - keep us posted!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:55am
Thanks for all your responses. I'll post updates and I'll get the men are from mars book (heard of it, but never read it). His need for space this week, really kind of threw me for a loop because we had an emotionally intimate weekend and then he seemed to need space right away. On Saturday, he told me some really great things that I'd never heard him say before and he said them without any pressure from me...they were unsolicited comments. He said things like I'm his very best friend (he said this in front of a bunch of people). He told me privately that he thinks about me all the time. He told me how great one of his good friends thinks I am. And, then.......*boom*, he needed some space.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:10am
I can see where that threw you - but it all sounds to me like you are on track for something good. Of course he needs space after an emotionally intimate weekend.

I never realized how different men were from us until I read that book. Now I would look at the "time to chill" like something good - he is giving everything time to settle.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:24am

His need for space this week, really kind of threw me for a loop because we had an emotionally intimate weekend and then he seemed to need space right away.


Just to encourage you, my DH of a year and a half STILL DOES THIS TO ME! And it blows my mind every time. We have a very intimate couple of days, feel VERY close...and then he pulls away from me. It takes a very concentrated mental effort on my part to NOT be offended and just go with it and give him his space, if I want to get another weekend/couple of days like that again. LOL. Don't feel bad. It's not you. It's just a man in a relationship!


I agree with the rest of the posts. I think you're on a good track. And I think a couple of calls a week is pretty consistent with a 3 month relationship with a man who is on the lookout for "the real thing" but is cautious. Give him space and time.


I am definitely looking forward to seeing how this goes for you. Keep us posted.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:48pm
All right. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 5:45pm
I was chuckling when I was reading your posts and the responses because the same thing has happened to me with my current bf. He is older than me (43) and he has never been married. He's a mortgage broker. He works a lot from home and he works late a lot. I don't even give it a second thought when I don't hear from him every day. Every other day is more the norm. But in the beginning it did bother me. As for e-mail, I've only gotten one from him in 6 months. Guys just don't do e-mails.

You mentioned that you had spent a very close weekend together and it threw you off when he needed space. I can relate to that. I've agonized over that same thing many times. My sister calls it "the pressure speech". She got the pressure speech from her now husband when they were dating in college. He said they were getting too close and he needed space, but then that same night he called her and asked her to go out with him and he got mad when she wouldn't hold his hand. Makes absolutely no sense, and she can laugh about it now because they have been married over 15 years. A year ago my BF broke off a long-term relationship. And when we started dating, he told me he wanted to take things slow. Admittedly, I have NO PATIENCE and I wanted things to move more quickly. But actually, I'm happy with the way things are now. I have time to myself and I don't feel pressured about anything. My sister told me to chill out and let him make the moves. So, that's what I've done. He calls me most of the time or I call him when he says "call me". He knows what my visitation schedule is, and I let him "ask me on a date". I know it can be frustrating when they are close and then pull away. I really don't know why they do that, I'm trying to figure it out myself. About a month ago when we were out getting a pizza, he held my hands, looked into my eyes and told me he didn't know where our relationship was going, but that I was very special to him. He tells me all the time on the phone what a great person I am. But then I asked him to go to a 4th of July festival with me. He said no, because he already had plans, and he mentioned that he didn't want to "rush things". Maybe he likes to do the asking. I have no idea. I just refuse to get crazy about it. I'm 39 years old -- I'm too old to chase anyone. I just look at it this way, if we are meant to be together, we will be, and no amount of pushing is going to change that.

For what it's worth, try to relax, chill out and don't wait by the phone for his call. It's still early in your relationship, and he's probably trying to sort things out in his own mind. The busier you are and the more you don't think about it, the less it will bother you. I have two kids, I volunteer, I'm active in my church and I own an older home which I am always trying to fix up. I keep very busy and that helps. Be yourself, put your best foot forward, be happy with yourself and the rest will fall into place. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 8:29pm
Hi

I think everyone here is right. Men disclose something intimate...then they need to head for their "caves" to be able to regroup and breathe.

I had gotten some relationship books...that basically said the same thing...men need space to fall in love. The books also said that men fall in love when they offer advice...and you take it. But they don't like to be on the receiving end, as they want to appear in charge!

I have been in a similar situation...and didn't allow him to breathe...so we are now just friends. I just joined eHarmony...and have gotten responses from 2 guys. I'm hoping that some time apart will make him realize how much he misses me. He is very busy at this time...his children are here for the summer: however, they go back to their mother's in another state in 3 weeks. LONLINESS will be looming large.

I was in a car accident today...and he was great..offering me wonderful advice...and also offering to pick my children up from camp! I think there may be hope yet.

Best of luck to you. He sounds like a great guy...give him some time...and relax...it appears that he seees great qualities in you...but needs to proceed slowly for fear of being hurt.

Have a wonderful weekend!