Bummed - Need Support
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| Wed, 07-21-2004 - 3:04pm |
I have never had anything like this happen to me before. My grandparents all died when I was a baby, and I never knew them. Both my parents came from large families, but we were never close with all my aunts and uncles. All my aunts and uncles are now deceased, but because we were never close, it really didn't effect me that much. I've never had anyone CLOSE to me be very ill or pass away. I know that's unusual, but it's true. And I think that's why I just don't know how to deal with this. I know that eventually everyone's mom and dad will pass, but no one likes to think about that. I would feel so much better if I knew she had something that we could take her somewhere and give her something that would make her better. It's the finality that I am having a hard time dealing with. And also the thought of seeing my mom deteriorate like it was described. Too much information for me to process right now.
Has anyone out there dealt with the illness of a parent or someone close to them? Could you give me some tips on how to deal with this? How did you tell your children? My kids are only seven, and I don't think they would understand. But I do know that they love grandma very much and if they did understand, they would be devastated.
Sorry to be so depressing. I just needed to vent. This is hard for me to even talk to my sisters about because we are all in shock. I'm not handling this well. I feel like crying right now, but I'm at work. Any advice would be appreciated. Prays are appreciated as well.
Donna

HUGS Donna-
I am sorry - I too am dealing with my mother who is sick with cancer Melanoma (and she just had surgery to removed 1/2 of her nose and cheek) . I am the baby of 7 kids and well no one has been sick in my family either. This is my first time having to deal with it. Its foreign to me as well, but you know somehow after the shock you just do it- you just find ways to be with her- find things to make her happy- and do what you can. In the end its the "just being there" that matters. As to your kids - they will understand- kids are risiliant that way. My boys adore grandma (she mandates to have them with her at least every other week) shes pretty open and honest with them about whats going on with her and she throws in some humor too. If the boys are over and grandma is
HUG HUG HUG!!!!
Donna, I am SO VERY SORRY for your pain. And for your mom. How is she handling this?
I don't have much to offer you in this area. I lost a newborn 7 months ago, and an uncle passed away suddenly when I was 8. And that is honestly it for anyone close to me. Coping with a long term illness is a terrifying prospect for me as well. I will most definitely hold you and your family in my prayers.
Do you have any way of contacting a support group for this precise illness, or perhaps a group for family members of someone with a long term illness? I would imagine that would be an EXCELLENT resource for you.
I really wish I had more to say for you. I can't imagine how you must feel. God bless you.
Thank you for your words of encouragement. They are very much appreciated. I know you are right. Once the shock wears off, I will do what I have to do. I'm sorry to hear about your mom. That's awesome that she still wants to see your boys all the time. Since this is affecting my mom's speech, it's kind of hard for her to talk, so she's kind of quiet. But I know she enjoys seeing her grandchildren. I will figure out a way to tell my twins about it, but I don't think it will matter to them. She'll still be grandma and they will still love her. Unconditional love -- thats' what kids are best at.
Donna
Thank you for your kind words and support. That's why I love this board. Everyone is so helpful and supportive. Thanks also for the suggestion of the support group. I never thought of that, but I think it would be a great idea. I'm sure once the shock wears off, I will be better. This just kind or took my by surprise -- and I'm not good with surprises. Thanks again.
Donna
Tips on how to deal: Pray, hope, have faith, enjoy every moment, lean on your friends and family for support. Support your friends and family as much as you can. Laugh as much as you can.
My grandma died 3 years ago after having numerous strokes. After her first set of strokes, she came and lived with my parents, who cared for her. Two years later, since she could get better care in the State of Texas, she moved in with my aunt. She died a year later, after a very poor quality of life. She could no longer talk or write, but we read to her, we'd call and talk to her on the phone or sit in front of the webcam and talk to her. You just do what you can do.
My MIL has advanced, agressive MS. She is wheel chair bound, catheterized, and had to have her food "emulsified" (meaning she can no longer swallow any liquids - it has to be thickened - otherwise due to a non-functioning valve in her esophagus - it goes directly into her lungs). She has NO short term memory. I emailed with Becky about this (I think) when I got back from visiting her in Sioux Falls. She has no idea who I am, she thinks my son is my step-ds (who is 20), she thinks dh is still 20 (he's 39 - he wishes! LOL). We still had a great time with her - because the amount of time we have with her is so short. We almost lost her last year (I posted about that on the board - it was last September.) We smile, we laugh, we tell her the old, familiar stories that she remembers, we are patient with her, and we love her.
As far as telling the kids - they understand far more than you think. Telling them "grandma is sick and she needs all of our love" is the biggest thing you need to do for them. And also - I know some disagree - but it's ok for them to see you cry, to know that you are scared, to know that you are upset, and also - to know that YOU don't know all of the answers - and that YOU don't know what to do.
I'm sending you big hugs, and I'll be saying prayers for your mom and your family tonight, Donna. If you aren't comfortable - it's ok - but if you wouldn't mind - I would love to know your mom's name as I pray - and I will put her on a prayer chain that I belong to. If you aren't comfortable - I believe will all of my heart GOD knows exactly who "Donna's mom" is. Sending you thoughts and comfort. And praying that God will wash over you with comfort and peace.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
I am so sorry for you having to have something like this laid in your lap. It makes me want to go and hug my own mom. You poor thing!!
The only thing I can say is to take it one day at a time so you don't get overwhelmed. And try to read all you can and find a support board for this disease - the internet is so good for that.
I did have the experience of my very very favorite grandfather getting brain cancer. We found out about this just before Xmas one year and it was very hard on our family. At times it was so overwhelming that all my mom and I could do was cry. But we just took it one day at a time and focused on each task that was needed for him. Usually this was to go to the nursing home and be with him for every meal. We didn't think about anything else - only what we were doing with the moment.
The hardest thing was having to say goodbye because I had to leave my mom's house to go back to work in another state. I sobbed and sobbed on the way home.
But looking back now I can realize that it was such a blessing to have those final special moments where I knew they would be the last. And to have the honor to really say goodbye. I will never forget that.
May god bless you and your family in this time of hardship. There is nothing any of us can do except to be here to offer support when you have things to tell us. I am sorry for you.
As far as your kids you have to be honest but present in a way they can understand and is meaningful for them. When my son was 2 our beloved dog was diagnosed with cancer. I explained that he was sick and would soon go to doggie heaven. He would work on him all day with his vet kit - that nearly broke my heart but it lightened the burden as well. I am betting your children will do the same for you. It is important for them to see how you handle all of this, too.
Edited 7/22/2004 6:02 am ET ET by weston1745
Donna,
I'm so sorry to hear about this.
Unconditional love -- thats' what kids are best at
What a GREAT statement. And that's SO true. Your kids will be great for her.
but it's ok for them to see you cry, to know that you are scared, to know that you are upset, and also - to know that YOU don't know all of the answers - and that YOU don't know what to do.
I couldn't agree more. And this is where THEY learn to have faith. Because they see YOU not know what to do, and then they see you pull yourself up and/or lean on someone else (we all have to learn how to do that) and make it through. It's an excellent life example. When you shield your children from your pain, they don't learn how to cope with their own later.
(((((Donna)))))), I'm so sorry!