What am I missing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
What am I missing?
12
Wed, 07-21-2004 - 10:10pm
Hello,

I am new to these boards and I am a new single mom of two. I was married for over 13 years and I was the old fashioned girl next door when I was married and have only been with one man, my ex. Needless to say.....the dating world, especially for those of us in our early 30's is a jungle and I am not used to it at all. Quite frankly, I'm downright terrified by it! I have re-entered the dating world and I don't really frequent clubs or anything like that but I am still fairly young, intelligent, etc. I seem to be attracting the so called "playboy" types and while I consider a couple of them friends that I have had for awhile and find them to be generally nice people....I don't understand 1) why I am attracting this type.....are there more of them than I thought, who openly admit they want no strings?? 2) Why my male friends that are that way offer the "FWB" thing??

Please explain why there is so much of this, and if there is......why in the world are women agreeing to this?? I would just like honest opinions about it. Both from men and women. For those women who do.....how do you seperate. I am very confused about the way people date these days and would love to hear feedback and other stories. Thanks, in advance.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:51am
Hi "katic"

Welcome to this board and to the world of being a single mom.

I totally understand your frustration with the dating world and your experiences with men. I have been through this myself in the first few years after my divorce. I made the mistake of assuming that every guy I dated wanted to be in a monogamous committed relationship as I did. WRONG!! LOL!!

All I can say is that you have to take the time to educate yourself about dating and relationships. The biggest mistake is to assume that a man wants the same thing as you do in a relationship. I have found (and to quote Maggie) that you have to "hold back your heart" in the beginning to find out what he really wants and make sure it is what you want. I find you have to clarify this BEFORE sex and to go slow and build a friendship first.

Here are a few books (listed in order of importance) that have helped me:

- "Mars and Venus on a Date" (by John Gray, PhD, author of "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus")

- "Zen and the Art of Falling in Love" by Brenda Shoshanna

- "Why Men Leave: Men Talk About Why They Decided to End the Relationship--And What Might Have Changed Their Minds" by Brenda Shoshanna



- "Surrendered Single" by Laura Doyle

- "Master Dating: How to Meet and Attract Quality Men!" by Felicia Rose Adler

- "Men Are Like Fish" by Steve Nakamoto

You are not alone among single women for sure - I know many women from age 19 to 50 who are in the same boat and many do not have kids.

Dating now has certainly changed from 15 years ago from when we were both single. Men today have a lot of options for easy sex and they are busy with their lives with work, the internet, email, going to gyms, etc. They do not all want to be tied down with a relationship, and I have found this to be true especially if they are older or have already been through a divorce.

I would love to read what everyone else says here. They provide different perspectives and stories and are a great group!!

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 9:48am

HI and welcome to the board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 10:07am
Tara,

You make excellent points here. I think the hard part is that in the beginning when there is strong chemistry there is a tendency to go too fast sexually and then ask about intentions later.

Like you said, you have to distinguish the FWBs and casual sex type guys from the ones who want a real relationship - this is the tricky part. I think the only way to do this is to go slow, see how it goes and then have that discussion BEFORE sex.

http://messageboards.ivillage.com/n/mb/message.asp?webtag=iv-rlsolomother&msg=7001.1&ctx=128

That discussion was pretty recent and everyone had good tips and stories there.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 11:16am

Hi Kat! Welcome to the board! Glad you decided to join us. Looking forward to hearing more about you and your kids.


As for why men ask for a FWB no strings attached situation...well, that's the EASIEST most ideal situation for a lot of people. Commitment to a relationship is a terrifying thing, especially after you've been burned. And honestly, how many of us haven't been by the time we're in our late 20's and on? And there are a lot of women willing to do that.


Me personally? I don't think I could have an ongoing FWB relationship. I've been in the situation only once, and it wasn't that I was looking for that. It just happened. Strong chemistry with a man who I would NEVER be able to commit to, and who wouldn't have been able to commit to me. So, it was what it was. And it was VERY short lived. I am way too emotionally involved quickly. And when you throw sex into it, I am usually a goner. So, I just never really went there.


K, if that's not what you're looking for, just don't go there. You WILL find a man who is willing to commit to you. It might happen tomorrow or it might take a little time.


I am looking forward to reading the rest of the responses here!

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 3:29pm
Thanks for the feedback from everyone. I will definately have to just take it slow and slowly find out where I fit in. I'm not sure I am cut out to do the "FWB" thing or assume someone is "only" sleeping with me. That kind of lifestyle doesn't fit with kids anyway and they are my life as is all of yours :o)

cl-beckty,

I have two children, my oldest is a boy and he is 8 and my youngest is my vertual clone and she is 4. I will check out some of the books that were suggested on this post. I also went and bought a couple last week. One is how to make anyone fall.....heehee...I doubt anyone but it's got good info. The other is "how to date like a guy"....not that I want to but it gives good insight into the male way of thinking.

Take care all and thanks again!!

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 4:55pm
Let me share my experience with you. I was divorced by age 29. After my divorce, I got so many offers for sex only relationships. It upset me terribly and made me sad. I thought I was getting these solicitations because I was a single mom or a 30+ gal. I dated one man for 7 months while legally separated, but not officially divorced. He was a good guy, but it didn't work out. Then, I stayed celibate for 4 yrs because I only received sex offers and nothing close to a real relationship.

My current boyfriend told me on our first date that he wasn't into the whole dating scene and he wanted to take time to get to know me. You need to hold out for someone like that. Also, it has been my experience that men who are divorced are the ones looking for sex only. I thought it would be the single, never-married guys who would be the players. But, so many divorced men feel really burned by marriage and they only want physical relationships now. Good luck in your search and keep trying. Hold out for a good guy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: katlc
Thu, 07-22-2004 - 5:43pm
Bless you for this story - it is hope for all of us!!!!!!!!!!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
In reply to: katlc
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:51pm
Katlc:

Welcome. You will love it here. Your story sounds a little like mine. I was married for almost 10 years when my ex left. He was the only man I ever dated. I met him when I was 18 and married him when I was 22. When he left, he left me with 3-month-old twins. Needless to say, I didn't date at all until the kids were almost 3. I was very overwhelmed with the dating thing. And I too seemed to attract the wrong types of men. I was totally out of practice, because I never really had any practice. Unfortunately, I fell for the first guy that I dated. Big mistake. I agree with everyone when they say be open with what you want and try to find someone who is on the same level as you. I did that, and I thought we were on the same level, but as it turned out, this guy was a big player and a liar. I was with him for 2 years, and I honestly don't even know now if he ever "loved" me like he said he did. Then when that relationship ended, I moved too quickly and got into a "rebound" relationship, that also ended badly. By this time I was totally disgusted with the dating world, and I swore I would never date again. When I wasn't even interested in dating at all, I was asked out by my mortgage broker, and we've been dating ever since. I wanted to run so far in the opposite direction when he asked me asked me out. I think the reason things are working well for me now is that both me and my BF started our relationship knowing we wanted to go slowly. We both just got out of relationships, and we wanted to build a friendship first. That we have. We can talk to each other about anything. I think with the other two guys I was so anxious to "find" someone that I jumped in with both feet and left my brain on another planet. And I think that just stemmed from being overwhelmed with the dating world and my not having a lot of dating experience. Be honest with yourself what you want in a relationship, be honest with the other person. As you know, there are a lot of players out there. I found that out the hard way. But there are also good people out there to.

As for why you attract a certain type of person -- I now know why I did, even though I didn't at the time. I was vulnerable. I was divorced, with two small children, who had been terribly wronged by her ex, and I probably had my heart on my sleeve and it showed. I guess I looked like an easy target. The second time around, I was devastated from the first break up, and also an easy target. Try to put your past in your past and start fresh with a "new you". Something that I read here on the board mentioned how much of a turn off it is to a new man if all you do is hash up your past. How true that is. I was just so hurt that I didn't realize it at the time that that is what I was doing. Plus, people can see that as a sign of weakness and move in for the kill. My BF and I genally talked about each other's past relationships and breakups, but we don't hash, rehash and dwell on it. It's over and we have moved on. Man -- I never realized what a difference that makes. It frees you from your past so that you can look to the future. It's very liberating. Put your best foot forward, be yourself and be careful. That's all that I can say. Good luck.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
In reply to: katlc
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 7:19pm
Donna,

Your story and advice are good for all of us. You have done so well with your life and should be so proud of yourself. I can't imagine being left alone with twins when they were such a young age. That is a bummer. And then to have those bad dating experiences on top of it.

I totally agree with you that you become another person when you don't wear your heart on your sleeve. That is so true and it does make a difference. I have had similar experiences.

I also like your story about your BF on the other discussion - where you are happy to just let it be.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: katlc
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 7:17pm
Thank you for your reply! Your story is alot like mine and I'll take your words to heart. It's very confusing to me that men will see a hurt person and play on it. That is a hurtful thing to do to another person. I think I just need to refrain from dating for now and just be me. I came from an emotionally abusive situation anyway......so I'm going to counceling and working on it. Good luck with your twins!! Also with the man you met. I hope that one day a good one will walk into my life but until then, I won't hold my breath. Take care.

katlc

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