I'm combing the net for humor

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
I'm combing the net for humor
6
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 12:03pm
I need it today...it's grey here...

What HE Really Means

After spending many, many hours combing through the singles profiles of the lonely and the desperate and after meeting 20 or 30 of them and comparing the descriptions with the reality, it becomes apparent that the inhabitants of Cyber Singlesville are speaking a slightly different language to the rest of the population. The "profiles" by which such people promote their availability can often be likened more to real estate advertisements than product descriptions and, like real estate advertisements, you can believe every word at your own peril.

In order to help you sort out the marketing hype from the reality, I have compiled a facetious "dictionary" or "decoder" of singles terms that are frequently used by men during the process of Internet dating and mating. Click the "Ladies" link in the top left to find out what the girls really mean.

~

House trained:

I’m sick and tired of having to clean up after myself.

Easygoing:

I’m a total slob and I leave the toilet seat up.

Relaxed:

My idea of a date is sitting on the sofa with the remote control and watching the football.

Neat and Tidy:

Anal retentive.

Looking for someone to spoil (1):

Chocolates, flowers and romantic dinners while we’re dating, then you get to spoil me for the rest of your life.

Looking for somebody to spoil (2):

I’m not wasting my money on any woman who isn’t young and gorgeous.

Kids OK:

MY kids, not YOUR kids.

Ready for commitment:

My pathological commitment-phobia keeps frightening women off.

I want a woman who isn’t a gold digger:

I’m so poor you’d be wasting your time.

Bigger than his job:

At work, I’m a failure.

Soh or gsoh (sense of humour or great sense of humour):

Somebody once told me I was "a joke".

Wacky sense of humour:

Nobody laughs at my jokes.

Wicked sense of humour:

I enjoy pulling the wings off flies.

Sensual:

I have a dirty mind.

Open minded:

I’d eventually like to have sex with all your girlfriends as well as with you. Later, maybe even with your pets….

Urbane:

Phoney.

Confident:

Believe me, baby, I’m kewel….

Well groomed:

I use my own hair mousse, but I’ll fight you for the blow dryer.

Fun:

Wishful thinking. I’m a bore.

Persistent:

If you try to dump me I’ll stalk you.

Likeable:

I appeal to pets and small children.

Affectionate:

I grope other women in public.

Forthright:

If I think you’re fat and ugly, I’ll say so…

Intense:

I demand lots of attention.

Playful:

Can I borrow your vibrator?

Enthusiastic:

I snort when I laugh.

Adventurous:

I spend weekends scuba diving with my buddies.

Generous:

I’ll bear the ENTIRE fuel cost when we go out in my car.

Computer literate:

The reason I don’t have a life is that I spend all my time on the Internet.

Let’s chat.

Not on the phone, silly. Let’s find an Internet chat room and type at each other.

Flesh meet:

Anywhere else, this would mean sex, but on the Internet it means meeting in person.

Trusting

Not very bright.

Look younger than my age:

I’m looking for a much younger woman.

Enjoy walks along the beach:

I’m too cheap to take you to the beachside restaurant.

Treats women as equals:

You can pay for dinner and drive home when we’ve had a few drinks.

Seeking soul mate:

My last two wives dumped me.

Attractive:

My Mom never lies...

Romantic:

I might send you virtual flowers or a cyber greeting card.

Cuddly:

Fat.

Loves to cuddle:

Impotent.

Loves to unwind:

I drink too much, then fall about.

I drink occasionally:

I drink regularly.

I drink regularly:

I’m an alcoholic.

Culturally attuned:

I frequent Asian prostitutes.

Carefree:

Don’t expect fidelity.

Articulate:

You can’t shut me up.

Sincere:

Weak.

Sensitive:

I have a really small dick.

Spontaneous:

I fart in public.

Introverted

I fart silently, in the dead of night.

Shy:

Silent.

Honest(1):

Tactless.

Honest(2):

Too clever to be caught out.

Reliable:

Boring.

Relaxed:

Usually drunk.

Witty:

I laugh at my own jokes.

Creative:

I’d rather colour in the pictures than read the text.

Well travelled:

My wife left me because I was never home.

Athletic build:

In my dreams…

Receding hairline

Bald.

Financially secure:

Employed.

Self Employed:

Nobody else would.

Like to take life as it comes:

Unemployed.

Own home:

It’s such a dump my ex-wife didn’t even want it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 1:32pm
That was great -- really funny. I also needed a laugh today. Thanks and have a good weekend.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 2:12pm

Candi, this is hilarious!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 2:58pm
ROTFL...great Mags...I love it!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 3:07pm

Oh, wait!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Fri, 07-23-2004 - 7:20pm
This is hilarious - but so true!! I also have a friend who went on a date with a guy she met on match.com - and yes - he wanted her to try the swinging thing. Of course she said no. But we both could not believe it at the time.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-28-2004
Sun, 07-25-2004 - 7:41pm
Hahahahaha

That was great...I have a huge smile on my face right now...and needed some comic relief!

However, at the same time...I have recently reposted my profile on eHarmony...and will be wondering if any of these will apply to the guys that I am meeting there!!!

watch out....and be cautious...are the rules of the game!!!! :-)

LOL

Thanks for the laughter....