Need your advice,,Is this a test?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Need your advice,,Is this a test?
10
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:24pm
Hello ladies,

I just found you board and am recently seperated,filed for divorce, from my SBX and have three little ones. I work full time outside of the home and have kept the house the car and he is out. My problem is that a mutual friend of our's (my SBX and I) , I call him Dan, called this past weekend and said he was going to be in the area and asked if I would mind if he stopped in to "check on me and the kids". We have been like brother/sister for years and he has often given me the men's point of view when I had problems with my SBX. And he has offered to help in anyway if my SBX came after me, we parted violently, he tried to kill me, so he (Dan) says he wants nothing to do with my SBX anymore for what he did to me and the kids.

Here's the part I'm not sure about.

He came over , rang the bell, he usually just walked in when my SBX lived in our home, and brought flowers for me, candy for the kids, and a card for my oldest who's communion he missed. Anyway he showed me he had a new truck, that he said "fits four big guys",and brought a map to show me where his new house is ,within walking distance of the beach, which he he made a point of telling me he paid cash for it with some of a settlement he recently got.He was dressed nice,complemented me on how nice my house looked and made it a point to tell me that when he last saw my SBX around his neighborhood he diddn't look very good.

Ok now put on your thinking cap's girls.

Is he (1) Showing off the see if I'm a gold digging girl who wants a new man to rescue her and her kids? (2) Sincere, and see's the opportunity to go after someone he has been attracted to but who was married to his friend (3) a spy for the SBX ?

I am very trusting and naive to these things and want to do the right thing for me and my children. I just filed for divorce last month and have a long time before it's final.

What do you think?

Mary Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 4:56pm
I think I'd avoid this guy like the plague.

Although I'm not sure what his exact motives are - I think he sees you as a wounded bird that he can rescue . . . and I think men who do that have SERIOUS issues.

You filed for divorce a month ago, coming from a very abusive relationship. You and your kids need time to heal, to adjust, to move on. Now isn't the time to wonder about this guy or his motives, now is the time to focus on you and the kids . . . and tell this guy basically "thanks, but no thanks" for whatever it is he is offering.

Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Mon, 07-26-2004 - 5:10pm
I'm going to have to agree, avoid this man. You need time to heal from the relationship you have just ended, no matter how bad it was. You are going to have some issues that you will need to resolve before you can have a man in your life. You are going to have to take the time to adjust to your new situation, as a single parent and a single person. You are no longer a partner and full time co-parent. Your children will need time to adjust to the new situation as well, no matter how old they are. You will need the time to learn the new things about yourself that you have come out of this relationship with. There is a lot of work to do within yourself and your family before you can even think about a new man. Also, you should wait until your divorce is final before dating anyone new, just out of respect for the relationship you did have.

As for this guy, sounds to me like he's trying to impress you. I doubt he's trying to see if you're a gold digger. He's trying to show you all the stuff he has. Think of him as a male peacock fluffing up his feathers and puffing out his chest. He wants you to see all he has to offer and how successful he is. To him, it solidifies how good a *catch* he is. Sounds like he's just been waiting for you and your hubby to break up so he could make his move. He may have always had a thing for you and now that you are no longer with his friend he wants to make a play. What he's not understanding is is that right now is NOT the time. If he has any respect for you he will understand when you tell him to back off. You need to be honest with him that right now is not the time, that now is the time for you to focus on your family.

Since he hasn't come out and said that he's interested, you don't need to really say too much. But you may want to avoid contact with him for a while. If he calls, let the machine get it. If he stops by, thank him for checking in on you guys, but say that you're really busy and don't have a moment for him.

Good luck on things, there will be a lot for you to work through and you don't need one more thing on your plate.

Photobucket

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 8:57am
Thanks for confirming what I already knew in my heart. I need time to get myself back and take care of my kids, I'm only 33 there is pleanty of time for men later, and this time I can be choosey.Going for the first guy that approaches me isn't good for me even if I were already divorced and the kids were older. I already have problems getting a sitter for important things, why complicate matters?

I'll keep coming back for advice and maybe I can help somebody too.

Have great Day,

Mary Beth

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:18am
I guess I am of a different opinion. I have been divorced 5+ years, and am 42 years old, and have three young children. I don't necessarily think you should run in the other direction, but proceed with your guard up. In the situation that you are in you will need friends, a shoulder to cry on, someone to vent to. Give the guy a chance, maybe his intentions are good and noble.....don't judge a book by its cover.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2002
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 9:58am

Hi MaryBeth- my name is also MaryBeth and I went thru similar circumstances - YOU need to just place boundaries with the guy. My EX's freind stopped talking to him as well when we split and he continued to email me- call me and stick around as a support system ---now my situation turned out that he was sincere - he never hit on me or put on the moves. He still calls about 1-2 times a month to check in and chat. Which is fine. BUt watch for red flags and well- if intuition is telling you he wants to be more than a freind speak up!! If he continues then - stop the freindship.


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:20am

Hi Mary Beth, welcome to this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 12:31pm
Thanks Maggie,

I will be sticking around, I really like the crowd and all of the advice is very helpful.

Hugs,

Mary Beth

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:55pm

Hi Mary Beth and welcome!


I thought I'd add that I think it's quite touching that he'd go out of his way to do something nice like bring you flowers and candy for the kids after you've been through what sounds like hell.

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 2:59pm

Hi Mary Beth! I don't have anything to add. I agree with what's already been posted, but I didn't recall seeing you on the board and I wanted to welcome you! Hang in there.

Becky

Becky

 

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Tue, 07-27-2004 - 4:44pm
For right now I think you need to play it cool and get the divorce finalized so you can pass through that quickly without drama.

As for this guy, his gesture seems sweet enough. But I would not let him go too much too fast too soon. Go with your gut instinct and make him pass the test of time.

Are you at all attracted to him?

Keep an open mind but be very careful. And keep all of us posted.