Didn't get him a present!
Find a Conversation
Didn't get him a present!
| Tue, 07-27-2004 - 11:02am |
My son had a bday last week. I invited my new bf to one of his parties. He and I had talked for 2 weeks about what present to get him. He showed up without a gift. Said he was in a hurry and that he would get it later in the week. Not a prob. Life goes on. He'll get something. His best friends had a bday party for their little boy. He went out and got him something. Even told me that he would get presents for both boys. Showed up to pick me and my son up to go to the bday party and he only had one present in the car. I cried. He told me that he just hadn't thought about it again. I told him that my feelings were hurt, I didn't appreciate it and that he was stupid. He told me that yes he was stupid, but he was trying really hard (he doesn't have kids, has never had a serious girlfriend and now he has a serious girlfriend WITH a child and he really is trying hard to learn how to handle situations). Throughout the evening, I slowly got out of my funk. I stopped crying. ANd began to enjoy myself. I told his best friend about the present situation. She said he was stupid and that was the only excuse. All night he played with only my son. he held him and took him for a walk. He let him sit on his lap and things seemed to get better.
I've been told that I took the wrong approach. That I should have been p***ed off and made him take us home. But I just don't know. True, it was a stupid a** thing to do. But should I be unforgiving? He's taken me and my son to dinner and to play at the playground and he dotes on both of us. This was just ... I don't know.. I just don't know how to feel about it. Initially I was hurt, maybe even slightly angry, but... I just don't know.
any opinions?

No, you shouldn't have been unforgiving.
thank you so much!!! I feel so much better.
He even told me later that evening that he was trying really hard and that I needed to help him out by explaining things to him. And the thing is, he still hasn't gotten hima gift, which is just okay, because I wouldn't want it now, not after having to be TOLD. He is just working on not doing something like that again.
and yes... you are right about where the advice came from!! you're very perceptive!
"I've been told that I took the wrong approach. That I should have been p***ed off and made him take us home."
He probably didn't buy a material gift because he could not think of the perfect thing to buy or didn't know what to get. So he just didn't do it.
The bottom line - if he is showing a genuine interest in you and your son, calling, spending time and acting nice then that is all gift enough. The material things are meaningless. You do not want it to be a hassle to be with you - the competition of women is too tough - don't make it easy for him to just give up and find someone else.
Now - as for next time with the present thing, I think you should ask his help to go with you when you pick something out. Maybe his help is for an opinion of something fun, to lift something heavy or put something together. This way you can help him. If you have a next time then you are lucky and this is a great problem to have because you have someone who loves you.
We've been dating for a year and he's been part of my ds' life for about 6 months. And he did very good with MY birthday present last year and my christmas present and my valentine's day present....
I guess if he hadn't talked about getting my ds a present it would have been different. But he even threw out suggestions and we talked about what he liked and disliked and stuff like that.
thank you all so much!
I think one of the main problems is that I had thoughts put into my head by other people (and this is a total twist to the original post!!), but my expectations aren't as demanding as other people I know, for which I get ridiculed at times for being too forgiving and "letting him by" with too much stuff. All that could have been brought on by the fact that I was told by others this should be an unforgiving sin.
Thanks so much for all your thoughts!
"I think one of the main problems is that I had thoughts put into my head by other people (and this is a total twist to the original post!!), but my expectations aren't as demanding as other people I know, for which I get ridiculed at times for being too forgiving and "letting him by" with too much stuff. All that could have been brought on by the fact that I was told by others this should be an unforgiving sin."
These others....they sound like real ball-breakers.
OK I am sorry. I feel like a jerk now. I didn't realize you'd been together a year. That does change things a bit. And it sounds to me like you handled it all really.
For some reason I was under the impression that this was a reasonably new relationship. I apologize. Changes the picture a bit!
He sounds like a great guy!