Bad Week - Need to Vent (long)
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| Tue, 07-27-2004 - 3:53pm |
As you might know from my post last week, I found out that my mom has a serious, incurable disease with a prognosis of one to three years. This past Sunday I found out that my cousin died. He was 40, one year older than me. My whole family is in shock. I haven't even shed a tear because I just can't believe its true. He wasn't sick. He was a diabetic for a long time, and what we think happened was that he went into a diabetic coma-like thing and then died of a heart attack. He has a son who will be 10 and a daughter who was born 2 days after my twins who will be 7 tomorrow.
Everyone deals with death in their own way. I am not handling this well. I'm in a denial stage right now. Tonight is the wake, and tomorrow is the funeral, and I will attend both because we were real close. I have a feeling I will totally lose my composure either tonight or tomorrow.
What makes all of this really bad is all the drama and fighting that is going on behind the scenes. My cousin has an older brother, a younger brother, mother, and his dad passed away three years ago. My cousin's wife, G, is in some kind of fued with my cousin's brothers, sisters-in-law and mother, and I really don't know what it's about. I have talked to G a couple of times in the past few days. I called yesterday to see if I could take her kids and my kids to McDonalds for dinner to get them out of the house. She yelled at me and kept saying how she hates "my family". She says that every time I talk to her. And she's convinced they will "pull something" at the wake or funeral. My family would never do that. G is more of a loose cannon than anyone else. If someone were to start trouble, I could see it being her. The reason this bothers me is that I have ALWAYS gotten along with G, even though she's a bit hard to get along with, and not real popular with the rest of the family. Now she seems to be turning against me because of something another family member did to her. I'm trying to consider that she is grieving and that she is under a great deal of stress right now, and I'm trying to not take it personally. But I will admit that it hurts my feelings. I don't want to choose sides between her and my family. I never have before, and I don't want to start now. I don't want to be in the middle of this fight. Don't people realize that death is hard enough to deal with without all this drama and fighting going on? It just makes things 100 times worse.
I think death can bring out the worst in some people. Why is it that some people have to dredge up a bunch of dirt about the deceased? He's not even around to defend himself. My cousin was a good guy, but he wasn't a saint. He had an addiction problem, which I thought he kicked through a recent rehab stay. Apparently he did not. Rumor has it that he was probably "doped up" when he died. So what? Who cares! Does it really matter? It doesn't change anything and it certainly doesn't make him any less of a good person. This really bothers me. I'm not naive, but I just want to remember my cousin in good times, not at his worst when he was fighting an addiction. I wish everyone would just let it go already.
I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I'm very upset by my cousin's tragic death, and I'm also upset about all the fighting going on. I'm very confused right now and I have all these emotions that I am trying to deal with. To top it off, I have a "ghost from the past" that I have to deal with tonight at the wake, which I'm not happy about. That "ghost" is my little sister. I haven't seen her in 2 1/2 years. For the people who don't know what the heck I'm talking about, I will give you a very condensed version of what happened between me and my sister. We never got along as kids, but once we were married and had our own kids, we were best friends. We talked and/or e-mailed every day. She was having some marriage problems, and I was there for her to listen to her and help her every day. I later found out that part of her marriage problems were because she was cheating on her husband -- with the man that I was dating and had been dating for 2 years. When they were found out, she left her husband and kids, moved in with my boyfriend, married him a few months later, and got pregnant right away. I loved that man very much and was totally devastated. My family (three sisters and everyone else) disowned her because they couldn't believe what she did to me, except for my parents, although they haven't been real close to her, they occasionally keep in touch, mostly so that they can see their grandchild. Nuff said. I've done far too much hashing and rehashing all this in my mind over the past 12 hours. I picked myself up from rock bottom after that happened. It's been a hard road, but I made it. I choose not to have anything to do with them because they do nothing but cause trouble. I don't care about them any more, I don't think about them any more. They're in my past, and I'd like to keep them there. I know seeing her again will dredge up a lot of bad memories, things that I want to keep buried. If you could see where I was three years ago and where I am today, you wouldn't believe it. I have to admit, my sister is my Achilles heel, my weak spot, when I see her, I turn to jello. I hate that about myself. I'm so strong about everything else, but when it comes to her, I'm a wimp, a chicken. I know I'll get a knot in my stomach the minute I see her face. I just wish she didn't get to me like that. I will be so glad when the day comes that she won't bother me any more. But until that time, I'm taking the chicken's way out -- I'm going to try to avoid her. I'm going to leave work early and hopefully I can be in and out before she ever arrives. I know that's being a coward, but I just don't want to see her. What also bothers me, and I know this is bad, but my sister hasn't talked to anyone in my family (cousins included) sinexcept for my parents since she left her husband three years ago. I really don't think she cares about my cousin, she was never close to him, and my sister and his wife did not get along. I think she is going there to show off her husband and her baby and whatever else, and to try to rub it in my face because she knows I will be there. I know you are thinking no one could be that shallow, but yes, she really is that shallow and selfish. That's why no one wants anything to do with her. I don't want to talk about her any more. I know it's my problem, and I have to deal with it. I just need to get through tonight and tomorrow and then I'll be ok.
Thank you for letting me pour out my heart. I needed someone to talk to. My family doesn't understand my thing with my sister. All I can say is that it was a betrayal and a hurt that will heal over time. I do my best not to let her get to me. And 99 percent of the time, she doesn't. It's just when I have to see her that I turn to mashed potatoes. Thanks again for listening.
Donna

(((((Donna)))))
Oh Honey. I am just so sorry. You sound like you need more than to vent. What a load you are carrying.
I hope it helped just a little bit to sort of "journal it out" here.
You and your's will be in my prayers as you continue to cope with your mom's illness and come to terms with your cousin's death.
I never do well with those kinds of things either. I carry denial and shock around pretty heavily and often think I am some kind of cold fish. But it always catches up. And it's usually at a time I can better handle it. I pray that you are able to hold it together reasonably well for the showings and funeral and can grieve in your own way without an audience soon.
All I can think to tell you on your cousins wife, G, is to continue to give grace where you can and let things roll. You are in shock now. I can't imagine how she must feel. And since it sounds like there were a lot of emotional "loose ends" it's a bad feeling to lose someone in the midst of that.
Your sister: Hmm.... Yes, I agree. Horrible thing she did to you. I can't begin to tell you what my opinion is on how to handle that. I wouldn't know how to behave either. I look forward to seeing if any of our other wonderful women here have some great words of advice for you.
Big BIG hugs. You are in my prayers.
Man, why does that expression "when it rains, it pours" have to be so stinkin' true?
I'm so sorry for all that you are going through. Sigh.
Lean on us when you need to . . . cry when you need to. Yell when you need to. Avoid who you need to avoid for self-protection. You're going through alot right now. Sending you big hugs.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
That is a shame that your sister was so selfish and you have more drama with your cousin's wife.
For now you should go to the funeral and try to deal just with the moment and leave the rest outside the door. You can see by what happened to your mom that life is fragile and you have to appreciate every moment and every day. You sound like you have a lot of anxiety about this and I am betting that when you go there it won't be as bad as you think. You can always leave whenever you want if it gets to be too much for you.
My brother in law had a lot of drama in his family. To make a long story short, his brothers caused a lot of drama in his family and do not speak to him or his parents. His father passed away so we all attended the funeral. I expected major drama because of their story but everyone was very solemn and respectful of the moment. Hopefully this is the same for you.
Best wishes and extreme sympathy/support to you today!!
Donna,
I am so sorry!!!
Wow!
Fisrt of all can I first say that you are a very strong woman!! I know I am pretty new to these boards but I have been reading posts as much as I have time to and you have been through so much and yet you have so much insight and strength. Hold on to that!!! I am sorry that there is so much turmoil, your right, that always happens when someone passes. People react in different ways and unfortunately even in the best cicumstances, there are things that are brought up that are better left alone. Emotions just run so high when people get a shock.
Try to keep your spirits up and vent to anyone you can and then take a good long look at those twins and that alone will make you feel soooo much better!! :o)
Take care,
katlc