Need to vent- big time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Need to vent- big time...
13
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 2:36am
...as I am getting increasingly frustrated... I am having such a hard time learning to be a good "stepmom". I know that I am highly emotional right now and that tomorrow I will see things a little more clearly, but right now I just need to get it off my chest and I dont want to dump it all on D.

D's son J's behavior is becoming more and more difficult each day. It is not what I consider normal kid behavior for a near 8 year old. He is in need of some counseling, but because he is covered through his mom's low-income state insurance plan, only she can be the one to take him in. But SHE doesn't think he has a problem. How can she know? She rarely sees him!

Tonight was their night to be with mom. She picked them up at 5pm and had them until 8pm. E (4y/o)fell asleep on the way to her house and she let him sleep the entire time, so ofcourse now it is nearly midnight and he is still wide awake crying in his room because he doesn't want to go to bed. In the meantime, she lets J spend the entire evening playing Frogger on their x-box. D has told her how we are working with J on his video game addiction, but she is not cooperating! Ofcourse she is not going to notice J's behavioral problems when the boy is glued to a tv screen! grrrrr.

I am really having a tough time with this because I am the one that has to live with this everyday and yet I have absolute zero control over the situation. And my dd has always been such a good kid. And she continues to be so good and patient. Sometimes I feel so guilty that I have thrown her into the middle of all this chaos.

I guess I just need to figure out a way to cope with this since it is not a situation I can change. Right now, I am just so frustrated I want to cry...

Any words of wisdom, thoughts, advice, hugs that I can read when I wake up tomorrow morning will be very much appreciated!

Thanks for reading along...

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:22am
This is a difficult situation and a bad night for you for sure. And it doesn't sound like there is a light at the end of your tunnel. I don't really have any experience with step kids or ex wives, I can only give my support and a few ideas of what I might try if I was in your situation.

I would try to find a support group that deals with being the second wife and the step mom. Have you read any books on the subject? I know there is a board here called "second marriages" and I saw they have posts on being a step mom and dealing with step children. I am sure this could provide good tips and immense support to know you are not alone.

Do you have any relationship with the mom at all? I am wondering if you could put the problem into a solution format - "It is great that you spend time with D and you probably feel like you are giving him something special to watch the x-box but we feel he needs to do this less because it is causing him problems and we want him to do better. He really enjoys ___________ (activity) and would enjoy that with you, too." You have to approach it to show a solution and the benefits to the kids.

I don't think you should just let this go. I think you should calm down and then present it to D in a positive, solution-oriented format. Perhaps if you do a little research with books and a forum you can make this a more bearable situation for all involved.

With regards to your DD, enjoy her and praise her. I am sure that since you are such a great mom she is going to be just fine. She probably doesn't see this with the same eyes as you do and I am sure she enjoys having siblings.

Hugs to you and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 11:51am
Big hugs . . .

I would recommend that you check out books on co-parenting, for your bf's sake . . . and check into step-parenting classes/support groups, etc.

I do not have to deal with this stuff, at all, as my step-kids are adults, and not with me very often. But I DO have to deal with my ex spoiling the heck out of our ds and ds coming back home to us and "not getting it" when it comes to OUR rules, the way things in OUR house works, etc., and I know it often puts TT in a yucky situation.

Big hugs . . . . you need to really talk to bf about how this is upsetting to the household, and try to find possible solutions.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:01pm

Hi Gabriella,


I've had experience with being a stepmom to two different sets of older kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:17pm

Gabriella, I wanted to refer you to the Blended Families iVillage board:

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:23pm

I had a somewhat similar though reversed situation when my ex had the kids living with him and his then girlfriend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 12:43pm
Thanks so much for your support and ideas.

You are right my dd does see it differently and she does enjoy having brothers. She does complain about them occasionally, but it is in the way any sibling would complain about a sibling. I do believe she likes being part of a big family. Before this she was an only child, and now she has three brothers. She is always drawing pictures of the whole family and we are always smiling and happy. So that is a good sign at least! Thank you for helping me feel better about my guilt over dd.

As for D’s ex-wife, we have very limited contact and she prefers it that way. I would be VERY open to co-parenting with her, IF she wanted to parent. But she does not, by her own admission. She left her kids with D because she couldn’t “handle” it. D has told me that he suspects she only sees them on her appointed days out of a sense of obligation. But she doesn’t parent them when they are with her, instead she avoids parenting them by sitting them in front of video games and the television.

I will go visit some of the other boards now…thanks for the tip!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 1:02pm
Thanks for the support Min. I have talked to D about some of my frustrations, short of dumping on him how awful I think his ex-wife’s parenting skills are…

He tells me that it is useless to try to co-parent with her because she refuses to parent the kids! She never did it when they were together and she won’t do it now. She is too much into her own life right now and the pursuit of her own needs and happiness to be worried about her kids. She has her priorities set in other directions. His family has also told me that she has never really been a true parent. In the beginning, I was sure I was only hearing their side of things which was probably somewhat skewed, until I saw it for myself. She did a few things that made me realize they were not exaggerating.

I think a support group is a good idea. Just being able to vent my frustrations and talk to other women who are experiencing similar frustrations will help. Thanks again!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 1:17pm
What a sad, frustrating situation.

Yeah, I guess it's pretty obvious she doesn't want to parent - only having them 3 hours a week and then sticking them in front of the tv (or allowing the 4 year old to sleep!) ACK!

A support group would be great. I know TT really enjoyed the one we went to - it was a class that we both attended (because he parents Jojo) that had a "support group" atmosphere. Sometimes he is really frustrated by things that go on - and feels completely powerless.

I know others have said that you should step back and play no role. I agree - and I disagree. When my ex went through his divorce earlier this year and left the entire mess on OUR shoulders to handle with ds - TT had enough - and basically told ex that while he liked him and thought he was a good dad - he was REALLY tired of cleaning up his personal life messes that effected Jojo - and that if he didn't start 1. making less messes and 2. dealing with the messes he made himself - he would STRONGLY encourage ME to seek a custody/visitation change - because he thought ex's actions were VERY upsetting and harmful to Jojo and NOT in his best interest. That really did something with my ex - at first - he was VERY defensive - but after a few weeks - he came around. We have a VERY positive relationship right now, and he is dating someone again, and he actually CALLS TT and I and asks our advice and opinion in matters of including Jojo. It's been positive.

Hugs - I wish you the best.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 1:23pm
Maggie, Thank you. You are so right on so many points.

The insurance thing is an issue right now, because D can’t change anything until his new contract is signed in his school district, which won’t be until September. For either of us to put the kids on our insurance plan it would cost us nearly $300 a month, but you are right, it’s worth it, in order to have the freedom to take care of the needs of the kids.

Not dealing is so hard. It’s exactly what I’m trying to do right now though. It’s difficult when I see D having such a hard time with it. It’s in my nature to want to step in and help. So it’s almost like a double-edged sword. I know my part in the grand scheme of things is to provide structure and security for these kids, a real role model. Even if they have a hard time with it now, they will thank me and appreciate me later! I keep telling myself that to help me deal.

And you nailed it on the head about some of the “other activities” going on that are taking precedence on her priority list. I was refraining from going into detail, but now I think I will, just to make me feel better! I hope you don’t mind.

She has a website…full of naked pictures…of herself…and various men…in various poses. She married a man who believes monogamy in a relationship isn’t necessary and they use their website and various other means to hook up with a third partner. I suspect that sometimes when she “calls in sick” on the boys on such short notice, it is because they have found someone to join up with or have found a wild sex party to attend. We can atleast be thankful that she doesn’t participate in these activities when the boys are around (we hope).

She has repeatedly failed on her portion of the day care payments because she is “on the verge of being evicted from their apartment because they can’t afford it.” Yet, in the past three months she has managed to purchase a new car AND two cats, two ferrets and two rats and all the equipment for them. As a result of this, for the past several weekends that she’s had the boys, they’ve come home with cat scratches all over them and J came home with a rat bite on his finger that was bleeding.

Do I need to say more? Or can you understand the source of my frustration?

Ugh, it felt good to vent. Thanks again for being patient and reading all of this!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2003
Wed, 07-28-2004 - 1:32pm
The best thing you can do right now is sit down as a family and discuss things. Get everyone together and say that you need their help for everything to run a little smoother around the house. Do not blame anyone for their behaviour, do not single anyone out. Just have a discussion. Ask everyone for input of how they feel, anything upsetting them and what they would like to see. You don't need to solve anything at the first meeting, but getting everyone together and putting some things on the table would allow everyone to be on the same page. Acknowledge everyone's unique place in the new family structure and how they can help each other. Sometimes kids will come up with their own answers to a question you've been going crazy over.

Good luck.

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