a crossroads maybe
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| Wed, 07-28-2004 - 5:57pm |
Last weekend was a piano recital for him and I had a great time. This weekend is my family reunion and he is willingly going. But I am starting to wonder if I want him to go. What if we break up in a week? I just feel this heaviness and I know it is my own doing. His emotions - and mine for that matter - have been erractic at best (is that the right spelling LOL)
The worst part is if I let him go and tell him that it isn't good enough - and it really isn't so unless HE decides to make some changes then it will end and lets say my faith in that is slim (they don't change right?) then for the first time since ...well EVER I will be really and truly alone. Even in the past I had my friiend Mark who always was there and now he is with my friend Sarah.
Things just feel so bleak right now. I don't want to start over. I hate this part.
I just wish, you know :( I wish I wasn't so confused and I wish he didn't make me that way - which makes me sad. And under it all I miss my first husband and wish he hadn't decided to leave me for someone else.
Laura

You ask good questions. It is hard for me to judge him based on a short note read on the computer.
I think you are overwhelmed right now and need some time to yourself. If I recall correctly, Jack is the one who has not introduced you to his parents or started working towards a commitment? I know he has until August 9th. Has there been any more discussion or progress on this point?
You do have to listen to your inner voice.
As far as my opinion on your 2 statements - you asked - so I will tell you.
1) "He isn't handy around the house" -
While it is nice to have one handy around the house, it is not necessary. Hopefully they make enough money for you to hire help and then that is easier in my opinion - you don't have to wait for them to fix things.
2) "He doesn't spend a lot of time doing nothing and just relaxing - even with me" -
You won't change this. Energy levels are an indicator of compatibility. This could be an issue. I guess you have to decide how bad this is. The flip side of the coin is that he would not be motivated.
I think you should wait and see what happens for your deadline. That is close. In the mean time you could make a list of the things you like versus the things you don't like and you would have a better idea. Maybe some time to yourself and apart will make you miss him and appreciate him more. Or maybe not.
While we all want Mr. Right, we have to be able to view Mr. Right as Mr. Right when he comes along. It is a matter of being picky about the important things and being able to let go of the things that don't really matter.
A long time ago when I was on Eharmony.com I developed a list of 10 things I have to have and 10 things I cannot stand. That has helped me to have a better image of Mr. Right.
I have taken the liberty to cut and paste them here - maybe that will help you??
Must Haves:
Chemistry...
I must feel deeply in love with and attracted to my partner.
Verbal Intimacy...
I must know that my partner is sharing their deepest emotional thoughts and desires.
Conflict Resolver...
I must have a partner who will work to resolve rather than win arguments or conflicts within our relationship.
Affectionate...
I must have someone who is comfortable giving and receiving affection.
Energy Level...
I must have someone whose energy level matches my own.
Adaptability...
I must have a partner who is able to adapt to life's surprises.
Family Life...
I must have a partner who is committed to marriage, home, and family.
Parenting Style...
I must have someone who shares my views about how to raise children.
Staying In...
I must have a partner who mainly enjoys staying in together and having quiet evenings alone or with close friends.
Responsible...
My partner must be financially responsible.
Can't Stands:
Anger...
I can't stand someone who can't manage their anger, who yells, or bottles it up inside.
Workaholic...
I can't stand someone who treats everything in life as secondary to their job.
Fiscally Irresponsible...
I can't stand someone who is incapable of managing their money.
Boorishness...
I can't stand someone who is inclined to rowdy, vulgar or disrespectful behavior when "having fun."
Excessive Overweight...
I can't stand someone who is overweight.
Drugs...
I can't stand someone who uses illegal recreational drugs.
Addictions...
I can't stand someone who currently suffers from addictions.
Undependable...
I can't stand someone who fails to come through and is unreliable.
Recklessness...
I can't stand someone who has a careless and irresponsible manner when with others.
Infidelity...
I can't stand someone who engages in sex outside a committed relationship.
(((Laura)))
I am sorry you feel so bleak. We've all been there too many times. I hate cliche phrases, but somehow the "It's always darkest before the dawn" one seems to jump out at me as a good one for your situation. Try to remember that.
Also, (and I know this one is hard. J and I are going through some struggles and I am having to tell myself this all the time)... NO ONE can make you feel or do anything. It's all up to you. Jack can't make you confused. It's up to you how you handle this situation. He is who he is (and you're right. They DON'T Change. Why do we gals always want to change them??? I don't know. Sigh...) You are who you are. If he isn't what you're looking for completely (in spite of the fact that he is indeed great in some areas) then maybe he isn't "it" for you. Maybe he was only for this season in your life.
Hang in there. It WILL get better. How are things on the job front? Are you still excited and encouraged about that? Take control of the things you can and you'll feel SO MUCH better. More productive. More in control.
Once again great advice (((HUG))) you rock!
I think part of me is just building up a "after list" incase he dumps me (like OHwell he did this and he did that and it bugged me) You get it.
(((HUG)))
ANYHOW - check out the update! :)
L
I broke up with that guy and stopped dating for about 4 yrs. Yes, 4 years. In that time, I learned how to be happy being single. The thing that got me to date again was that I was too happy being single and decided it was selfish in a way to stay that way. I'm dating someone now that I really think I could love better than anybody. Only time will tell. BTW, I met this guy on Match.com. I met a bunch of jerks and losers before I met him.
I did date right after that and that is what got me in to the mess with my 2nd DH (yes second) and he was an a$$ - a solid reflection of my low self esteem and despiration at the time. My first cheated on me - left me for her and got her pregnant within 3 weeks of moving out of our home. Details not needed but I was single for a decent amount of time after DH2 and by myself for about 2 years.
I met Jack on match as well and he is a great guy. I think this is just a different way to do things and you hit the nail on the head about the singles scene. I think like many men his age that have been single for a significant part of their adult lives, they start to enjoy it too much and what happens is even if you WANT to be ina relationship it is hard to transition to that. Good for you for recognizing that pitfall and not letting that happen. It is one of those things that bites you in the butt later on if you stay single/alone.
:)
Laura