Advice on telling family about engaement
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Advice on telling family about engaement
| Wed, 07-28-2004 - 7:22pm |
I am 26 year old single mother of one who has been dating a wonderful man for the last 7 months. He is everything that I want and I am totally in love with this man. I ended a 3 year relationship with my daughter's father last August and wasn't looking to fall in love with anyone else for a long time or ever. My boyfriend proposed last week and gave me a beautiful ring, he loves my daughter very much and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. I have yet to tell my family ... which I have been living with my parents since I have split up with my ex, I am afraid to tell them about the engagement because I know they won't be happy about it. My last relationship was not a healthy one and the only good thing that came from it was my beautiful 15 month old daughter. They have been very standoffish with my new boyfriend and they don't think that I even should be dating and tell me every day how to live my life ... I know that I have made mistakes in the past but, I just want them to be happy for me. Does anyone out there have any advice for me ... I will appreciate anything anyone has for me! Thank you.

Okay - just had to say that - sorry - hope I didn't offend.
With regards to your family, I can totally relate. My family was very against my divorce and has not been that supportive. 3 years later (4 if you include the separation) there are still problems and this has not always been easy.
The way I have handled them is to explain my life is difficult enough by itself. I do not need them to ADD to the difficulties. They can make the decision to be in my life and be supportive or to be out. Whenever we have problems I always explain my feelings and opinions and set boundaries and then I give us space. Avoiding them for a while usually brings them around.
It is difficult for you to do this when you live with them. But here is what I recommend:
You should give your engagement extra time - at least a year - this is so you can be VERY sure so soon after your divorce about this guy. This also gives you extra time to work stuff out with your family. You will basically have to tell them you are going to do this with them or without them. But of course you would rather do it with them and their loving support. If they see you are not rushing the wedding you are probably going to see more cooperation after the dust settles.
Perhaps, too, you should give your mom time to vent and explain her real worries. Tell us what she says and maybe we can help you more. It is natural for them to be concerned when there is a grand daughter involved.
For me, my parents had religious and personal beliefs against divorce. They believed in staying married at all costs and had silly fears about what would happen to me. I am fine and now they see things more my way. It helps that I am totally on my own and don't "need" them financially or even for babysitting.
Good luck and keep us posted.
My mother was extremely supportive of my divorce, she was there for me every step of the way. But, she's constantly warning me to take new relationships slowly, not get too involved, so I don't get hurt again. My divorce has been final for a year, separated over two years. I definetly feel healed and ready for a new relationship, but I also see her point about taking things slow and not jumping ahead too fast. Especially for my daughter's sake, as well.
Hi and welcome!
Now I have a question to ask you. If this is the love of a lifetime, what's the rush? And I imagine your family would have the same question.
While it is fair that you just want your parents to be happy for you - you must admit - since they have been the ones consistently there for you, during your unhealthy relationship with your daughter's dad, allowing you to live with them now that you are no longer together, no doubt assisting you financially, assisting you in caring for your daughter - they do have a vested interest in you and your daughter, and simply want what is VERY best for you. To them, you are rushing things. To them, it was probably "just yesterday" that you were upset and crying over the end of your past relationship. They simply want you to take your time and move slowly so that you can ensure you are making the wisest decision for yourself and your daughter.
I strongly feel that if you aren't comfortable sharing wonderful news with the people that love you the most - then you aren't entirely comfortable yourself with the situation. I would suggest telling your parents, I would suggest a LONG engagement, I would suggest pre-marital counseling, I would suggest a step-parent preparation class and support group. I would suggest you do absolutely everything possible to make sure THIS IT BEFORE you get married, for your sake, and the sake of your child.
Best wishes to you.
Mindy
http://cosmosandcranium.blogspot.com/
This is a big committment and you should not take it lightly. Your parents are a support system for you, try not to alienate them with proving them wrong. Work with them, especially since you are living with them, to understand where you are at now. Remember that they care about you and your daughter and don't want you to get hurt again. Should you not date this new man or not get married cause it's *too soon*? No. You and you alone can make the call as to when the right time is. But others may have concerns that you may not have thought of or haven't seen. Make sure that you listen to all those feelings and concerns- you don't have to take their advice, but acknowledge it. You want them to accept this man in your life, so don't push it.
I do agree with the poster who said not to rush the engagement. If this guy truly loves you and wants to be with you, he will be able to wait. Set the wedding date for at least 1 yr down the road- that's a typical amount of time anyway. Also, don't be in a rush to move in with him or change what's going on now. You want to show your parents that you are an adult making adult decisions, not a wild teenager flying by the seat of her pants. You have a little girl that comes first- make sure that she does. You want to make all your decisions from a rational and levelheaded place, not out of anger, spite or having to prove anything. This next year your relationship will grow, let it happen naturally. There's no need to rush anything.
Lastly, I hope things work out. You may want to see a counsellor to make sure this is a step you are ready for. Even a session with your parents might help you to communicate feelings and hopefully resolve something. In the end, you are an adult and you make your decisions- but you don't need to throw that in anyone's face. Good luck to you!