Update

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Update
8
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 2:01pm
Thank you so much to everyone for your well wishes and your prayers. They were very much appreciated.

The past two days were very hard on me. I am physically and emotionally exhausted. But it's over, and things can get back to normal, as normal as they can be. Thankfully, there were no incidents at the wake or funeral between any family members. My cousin's wife, G, is still fueding with the immediate family, but she kept her distance from them and nothing happened. I know you are right when you said that people handle grief in different ways, and anger can be one of them. I have to admit to having a bit of anger myself. The hardest part of the whole day for me was when we were grave side. There were prayers said, then flowers were passed out to be put on my cousin's casket. Watching his 9-year-old son and 7-year-old daughter put flowers on his casket just broke me up. No child that age should have to do that to a parent. It's so sad. I was angry at my cousin for doing that to his kids, and to the rest of his family. I didn't drive, I went with my sister and BIL. On the way to the lunch, we talked about my cousin's addiction and how his brothers tried to help him. My cousin was a good person; he had a good job; good home; good family. I just think that his addiction was just something he couldn't break. He was probably ashamed of it and didn't reach out for and take advantage of the help that was offered to him. Unfortunately, it got the best of him.

As for me and my sister, I am so happy and proud of myself. For the first time in three years, I didn't turn to jello when I saw her. I left work early with the hopes of trying to avoid her. I was the first of my family to arrive at about 6:00. Then my sisters started filtering in, and I stayed to talk to them. When my little sis came in with my parents, I didn't run out the back door. I stayed seated where I was. She went through the line, walked right past me, and then went to the lobby. I was in the main room of the funeral parlor talking to people. Much to my surprise, I ended up staying until the end. I got an opportunity to talk to people I hadn't seen in a while, and I was glad that I stayed instead of running out the door. No, I didn't say anything as she passed by me, and in hindsight, I probably should have at least said hello. But, on the other hand, she didn't say anything to me either. When all that stuff happened with my little sis, I used to tell my other sisters that she "won". She took my boyfriend, she was married, had a new baby, and I had no one. She won, I lost. That's how I used to feel. My sisters used to tell me that she didn't win. That she would always be on the outs with the family, and I would be "in". You know what, on the drive back to my house the night of the wake, it hit me -- they were right. She didn't win. I was the one inside the parlor talking to everyone. I stayed there for three hours talking to people. She was the one sitting in the lobby talking to no one. One one talked to her. Too much time had passed, and she hadn't kept in touch with anyone, so no one knew what to say to her. Plus, everyone still remembers what she did, and they still don't like it, and that was apparent that night. She made her appearance to show off, but it didn't get to me. Didn't bother me at all. Actually, if I had the guts, which I didn't, I should have gone up to little sis, hugged her and thanked her for taking Rick away from me. He has a drinking problem, he always did, and from what I understand, he still does. I overlooked a lot when I was with him because I loved him so much. But now I can think rationally and I realize what my life would have been like living with a drunk. Thank you little sis!

I guess it just goes to show that people can tell you things, but if you don't believe it yourself, it does no good. It took me three years to figure it out, but I had a true "ephifany moment" driving home from the wake. I finally figured it out. I truly got the best out of the deal with my sister. Death makes you think about your own life, and how short it can be. I have realized how incredibly blessed I am and how lucky I am. I have a great family and wonderful kids. And I know I will never forget to say "I love you" at night when they go to sleep or in the morning when they walk out the door. That's the stuff in life that matters. Not my sister or anyone else. Me and my kids. That's what it's all about. I have to tell you this. My cousin's mom is the most awesome lady. She just lost her son, and she kept telling me how much she admired me for how I have taken care of myself and my kids all these years. She told me that her son had a saying, which was don't let bad people take up space in your brain (she was referring to my sis). She said that they are not even worth your time thinking about them. Then she said I was much better than any person who criticizes me. Here she just lost a son and she's comforting me. What a great lady. I have a new perspective and a new "peace" about the situation with my sister. I stood up to her and didn't let her get to me. All I can say is "Thank you God" for giving me the strength and "It's about time".

Thanks again for all the good thoughts, wishes and prayers. I am blessed to have a bunch of "friends" that I can "talk" to. God Bless.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 3:25pm

Donna, your beautiful post here made me cry.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 6:24pm
BRAVO!! BRAVO!!

You get a standing ovation for this post. You were strong and you made beautiful assumptions about your day. You did more than win - you became whole and happy and you realize what you have.

PLUS you taught us all a lesson for the day. THANKS and ((HUGS)) to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Thu, 07-29-2004 - 7:44pm
Thank you so much for sharing that. I didn't get a chance to respond to your original post but I did read it. I'm so glad everything worked out for you and that you were able to find the silver lining!

You are right about your sister and you...you definitely got the better end of the deal. And in the end you took the high road. Be proud!

About the anger, that is completely and totally natural to feel what you are feeling. You will experience a myriad of emotions over your cousins death and they will not always be in some nice neat order. Grief likes to take a zig zag approach. So just be gentle with yourself and your cousin’s wife during this time.

Hugs!

Avatar for cl_beckty
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-20-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 11:59am

((((Donna))))


I am SO VERY happy for you that in the midst of the sadness/tragedy you found a silver lining.


And YOUR silver lining encouraged me. I am having a rough day about an issue, and I needed to hear your positive spin. Thank you for making my day with your good thoughs and positive outlook.


You will continue to be in my prayers.

Becky

Becky

 

 

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 12:28pm

Hi Donna


I'm glad that you were able to cope with everything.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
In reply to: momoftwins65
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 5:53pm
Thank you for your thoughts and your update. You and your family have been in my prayers! You have truely found the way to take a tragic situation and make something positive from it. I think that is what we are meant to do. A silver lining and taking the best thing from the worst situation. You are an inspiration to us and I your post was touching.

Keep that positive attitude with you always and your in my prayers.

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 11:39am
BRAVO!!!
Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
In reply to: momoftwins65
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:55am
Fabulous Post Donna!

What a strong amount of courage that took to go through all of that. You have my utmost respect.

Big hugs,

Catherine