Silly Question - How Do You Know (long)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Silly Question - How Do You Know (long)
11
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:42pm
I want to ask kind of a silly question. Everyone here on the board has been so supportive of me over the past week with the passing of my cousin and all the trauma I was going through, that I thought, why not put the question on the board and see what everyone thinks. This is for the single moms who have remarried or are happily with a SO. I would especially like input from those people who have been betrayed by an ex like with cheating. (I think it's different when a person goes through a divorce that's mutual on both sides and when it's not mutual because of cheating, etc.). Here's the question: How do you know when you meet someone if he's the "one" -- if it's the real thing? I know that sounds like a question a teenager would ask, but I have a legit reason for asking it. I've been hurt in the past, like many of the women who post on this board. My ex-husband cheated on me and left me for his girlfriend; my first BF after my divorce cheated on me and married my little sister; and my next BF was abusive. I don't have much confidence in my ability to pick men. I always seem to find the frogs. How do you not let the hurts of the past interfere with your future?

The reason I am asking this is because I am dating a man who is great. We get along great and we have a great time when we are together. He was VERY supportive of me this whole week -- he called me every night to make sure I was ok and to talk about how I was feeling. I can truly say that I have never met anyone like him. He's different than anyone I ever dated. We have built a strong friendship and we are able to talk to each other about anything. When we met we decided to not rush things (which was always my downfall). He hasn't met my kids yet, but he has talked to them on the phone and we are trying to plan a time for them to meet, but he has been out of town a lot lately, and I myself haven't seen him in about 6 weeks. I have always let him take the lead with phone calls and dates, so as not to pressure him, and that seems to work well for us. I can say that I'm a different person that I was three years ago when my first relationship ended and even a year ago when my last relationship ended. I know I wrote in a post recently that I think in the past I wore my heart on my sleeve and got duped by men who wanted to take advantage of someone. I really don't think this is the case with Mark. Neither of us ever dwell on the past too much. We look to the future, which is way different than the way I used to be. I have a lot going on in my life, and I'm not sitting by the phone or pining for anyone like I used to. And I think this change in attitude shows. I'm more confident, relaxed and fun to be with (at least I think I am). This time around, I have tried to not fall head over heels. I've tried to be cool, cautious and not rush things and just let things take their course (which is so out of character for me). But I will admit that there are times that I really think he's my soulmate. (I know that sounds stupid).

Unfortunately, I have a habit of remembering past hurts. I know I wrote in the past that I was with someone that I don't even know if he ever loved me even though he said he did. That was the guy who married my sister. And the reason I say that is because the last time I talked to my sister three years ago, she told me Rick never loved me, he never wanted to marry me. I was devastated by those words. He always told me he loved me and we talked about marriage. Since that time, I'm not real trusting of what men say to me.

For the first time, I think I actually found a "prince" instead of a "frog" and I don't want to blow it. I'm just very scared of being hurt again. Last night on the phone Mark told me he loved me. I didn't say anything, but the first thought that popped in my head was "Yeah, right, I've heard that before". I know that's awful, and I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't help myself. I know that I am not really in a clear state of mind -- I'm still in a kind of funk since the passing of my cousin. That's why I thought I would like to get someone else's input. What's the matter with me? Am I crazy? I have the potential for something good, and I'm doubting it. Yes, I want to be careful, but I don't want to be so untrusting that I never take the chance to meet someone good. Has anyone else ever been in this position? What did you do? How did you get over it? I know I sound kind of goofy, it's just that I'm confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Donna

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 2:12pm
Donna,

What a good question. I can't wait to hear (read) all the answers here on this board.

I can sense from your post that you are doing so well and have learned a lot of lessons. Nothing crazy - everything sounds good to me, especially from your previous post about how the funeral turned out.

Any relationship is a gamble - there is no sure thing - but this is the beauty of life. Each day is different and each moment has a purpose.

I think the most important thing is that you have found yourself again after your previous bad relationships. You certainly had the ability to handle yourself at the funeral and you did an excellent job of seeing how your sister's marriage to your boyfriend was actually a good thing for you.

As long as your life is better with Mark, relax, and keep going. Accept his precious gift of love and do not look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe you needed all of your bad times to be able to appreciate him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-30-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:18pm
You just need to sit back and wait it out. I think the most important thing is what you said about having your own life. If you are happy with your own life and you don't need a man to complete you, then you'll be fine in the love department. Your instincts will be sharper because you won't be desperate enough to except garbage from a man.

I've been dating my SO for 5 months. I have a long history of picking losers. So part of me is wondering....'okay, when is this relationship going to go bad? when will I realize he's a huge jerk?'

I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I did recently post here that I'm in love with him. But, it's too soon to tell if he'll turn out to be a jerk or not. Only time will tell. Right now, I'm excited about him and in love. The smart rational side of me knows that he might disappoint me in a big way sometime.

Here's the thing though. If you are excited about your guy right now, that's a good thing. Enjoy it. You shouldn't be with someone you're not thrilled out. *However*, give it lots and lots of time. Meet his friends. Make him meet your friends and meet family. Even after you fall in love, don't make any major commitments until after a year. Best wishes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:43pm
Thanks for your response. I feel the same way you do when you said you kind of wonder when the whole thing will blow up. To answer your question, I'm very happy and excited with this new guy. I just keep thinking its too good to be true. I just try not to in all my excitement throw my common sense out the window. I'm guarded, but I can't help it. I hesitate to say that I'm in love, but I care about him very much. I'm just afraid to make the "love" commitment until we are together longer and until he meets my kids. If he doesn't like my kids, it doesn't matter how much I care about him, I won't stay with him. I've learned that the hard way. Thanks again for your advice and good luck to you in your relationship.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:48pm
I actually thought it was a stupid question, but I thought, what the heck, see what everyone else thinks.

Thank you so much for your great response. It was very thoughtful and kind. I have changed a lot in three years, and I have learned a lot from past mistakes. I loved the advice about relaxing and keep going. That's what I intend to do. So far, not getting crazy about things has taken me this far, so I must be doing something right. I just wish I could get rid of the doubts I sometimes have, but I guess everyone has doubts. Thanks again.

Donna

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:51pm
I think all you can do is accept his feelings. What did you say to him when he said it? anything? It doesn't mean you have to say it back, but maybe "It feels so nice to hear you say that" would be good.

It's natural to have a hard time trusting when you've been hurt.

For me it was more ME I didn't trust than the men I saw. I knew which ones were bad for me and sometimes I stayed with them too long. So it was more a matter of learning to trust myself to love the right kind of person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 3:58pm
Mark has always been very complimentary to me. He'll tell me I look nice and he says he loves my hair (I don't). He always tells me what I great person I am. At first his comments used to embarrass me. Except for my ex-husband, no one has ever complimented me like that. I'm certainly not used to it. So, I will just say thank you and "you're so sweet". That's what I said to him last night. I'm a very bad liar, always have been. I'm very confused right now, and I just couldn't say the "l" word. But I was very flattered that he did.

Donna

Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 07-30-2004 - 6:59pm
I don't know that it's a stupid question. The answer however is I think more that you know when you know, which oddly for where we were in our lives happened to dh and I fairly quickly. Not helpful at all I know but bear with me, my advice doesn't end there. At any rate, your caution is understable and probably wise, especially given your past. Rushing things or puting a lot of pressure on the relationship doesn't usually turn out well. The one thing I would say though is that along with taking it slow, try not to be so afraid that you push him away waiting for the other shoe to drop. Dh actually wrote a song for me (though the goof, he didn't write it down so all but bits and pieces are long gone from memory LOL) shortly after we got together. But, part of the refrain was "love is letting go of fear, and your faith in me is what I need to hear" My point there is that he was so good to me, so loving, we were so compatible that I kept waiting to screw up so badly that he'd leave, just assuming that there was no way such happiness could ever be lasting and real, and a lot of that was due to how I'd been treated in the past. I apologize, I don't remember if you said how long you two have been together. But, in my case, after we'd been together about 4-6 months or so (and I should mention because not all couples would be at this place that soon, we were really, really seriously involved, he was spending time at my apartment with dd and we were talking about living together) he started to really get tired of my insecurity about it and we in fact had some huge fights about his perception that I was insulting his integrity that I couldn't understand emotionally that he wasn't like those other men I'd known. Well, three years later, we're pretty much passed that and have a really strong marriage. Every now and then there are little bumps but I can say we're really a happy couple.

Enjoy the fact that you have a great relationship. When we got together both of us had had some really bad relationships and when I'd marvel that we have what we have, MG would just tell me that he thought we both deserved it, that we'd paid our dues. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2004
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 6:04pm
You gave me advice on my first post and said to take it slow, find myself and that there are good people, don't compromise. I'll tell you the same...take it slow, enjoy him! I read that someone said maybe your past was to appreciate what you have now. Remember that eveything happens for a reason and try not to compare, just enjoy and take it at your own pace.

A friend of mine sent me a quote the other day and I really took it to heart....here it is:

No man is your friend, no man is your enemy, every man is your teacher!

Take care,

katlc

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 3:37pm

"Here's the question: How do you know when you meet someone if he's the "one" -- if it's the real thing?"


When you meet someone, you simply don't know if he's the one or if it will become the real thing.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:54pm
I think a key component of this new relationship with Mark is your attitude about what you deserve for yourself. You've been put through your paces in previous relationships...my friend (who's a therapist) talked about how you need to be cautious when your pattern is bad. The very guy that excites you and you click with straightaway is the very guy you should run from. In what ways is Mark different? In my own situation I really strived for someone different than my dad, but my therapist pointed out how exactly like my dad my EH was. I learn a lot from her. A lot of men complained because I was too picky. Someone's picky is someone else's self love. I've been mistreated and I know I deserve better. I have a very low tolerance for nonsense. One of my friends joked that she respected me because I had my BS gauge at zero tolerance and that's true. I'm not sure about what I want, but I know what I don't want.

How will you know if this is good or not? Time. Once this guy consistently shows you who he is, the trust will come. There is such a thing as being overly cautious, but taking it slowly is wise.

I have a friend who didn't date for 11 years, she was so hurt. I had a collegue at work who hasn't dated in seven years. I don't think that we need a man to validate us...but these are conscience life decisions in reaction to a bad relationship...is that healthy? My friend with the 11 year hiatus was busy working and bringing up two girls on her own...the guys that approached her were jerks and she didn't have the time (or inclination) to find someone. She went out, but with the girls and danced with gay guys almost exclusively. The (fantastic) man she married sort of just appeared and landed in her lap.

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