Silly Question - How Do You Know (long)
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| Fri, 07-30-2004 - 1:42pm |
The reason I am asking this is because I am dating a man who is great. We get along great and we have a great time when we are together. He was VERY supportive of me this whole week -- he called me every night to make sure I was ok and to talk about how I was feeling. I can truly say that I have never met anyone like him. He's different than anyone I ever dated. We have built a strong friendship and we are able to talk to each other about anything. When we met we decided to not rush things (which was always my downfall). He hasn't met my kids yet, but he has talked to them on the phone and we are trying to plan a time for them to meet, but he has been out of town a lot lately, and I myself haven't seen him in about 6 weeks. I have always let him take the lead with phone calls and dates, so as not to pressure him, and that seems to work well for us. I can say that I'm a different person that I was three years ago when my first relationship ended and even a year ago when my last relationship ended. I know I wrote in a post recently that I think in the past I wore my heart on my sleeve and got duped by men who wanted to take advantage of someone. I really don't think this is the case with Mark. Neither of us ever dwell on the past too much. We look to the future, which is way different than the way I used to be. I have a lot going on in my life, and I'm not sitting by the phone or pining for anyone like I used to. And I think this change in attitude shows. I'm more confident, relaxed and fun to be with (at least I think I am). This time around, I have tried to not fall head over heels. I've tried to be cool, cautious and not rush things and just let things take their course (which is so out of character for me). But I will admit that there are times that I really think he's my soulmate. (I know that sounds stupid).
Unfortunately, I have a habit of remembering past hurts. I know I wrote in the past that I was with someone that I don't even know if he ever loved me even though he said he did. That was the guy who married my sister. And the reason I say that is because the last time I talked to my sister three years ago, she told me Rick never loved me, he never wanted to marry me. I was devastated by those words. He always told me he loved me and we talked about marriage. Since that time, I'm not real trusting of what men say to me.
For the first time, I think I actually found a "prince" instead of a "frog" and I don't want to blow it. I'm just very scared of being hurt again. Last night on the phone Mark told me he loved me. I didn't say anything, but the first thought that popped in my head was "Yeah, right, I've heard that before". I know that's awful, and I shouldn't do that, but I couldn't help myself. I know that I am not really in a clear state of mind -- I'm still in a kind of funk since the passing of my cousin. That's why I thought I would like to get someone else's input. What's the matter with me? Am I crazy? I have the potential for something good, and I'm doubting it. Yes, I want to be careful, but I don't want to be so untrusting that I never take the chance to meet someone good. Has anyone else ever been in this position? What did you do? How did you get over it? I know I sound kind of goofy, it's just that I'm confused. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Donna

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What a good question. I can't wait to hear (read) all the answers here on this board.
I can sense from your post that you are doing so well and have learned a lot of lessons. Nothing crazy - everything sounds good to me, especially from your previous post about how the funeral turned out.
Any relationship is a gamble - there is no sure thing - but this is the beauty of life. Each day is different and each moment has a purpose.
I think the most important thing is that you have found yourself again after your previous bad relationships. You certainly had the ability to handle yourself at the funeral and you did an excellent job of seeing how your sister's marriage to your boyfriend was actually a good thing for you.
As long as your life is better with Mark, relax, and keep going. Accept his precious gift of love and do not look a gift horse in the mouth. Maybe you needed all of your bad times to be able to appreciate him.
I've been dating my SO for 5 months. I have a long history of picking losers. So part of me is wondering....'okay, when is this relationship going to go bad? when will I realize he's a huge jerk?'
I'm hoping that doesn't happen. I did recently post here that I'm in love with him. But, it's too soon to tell if he'll turn out to be a jerk or not. Only time will tell. Right now, I'm excited about him and in love. The smart rational side of me knows that he might disappoint me in a big way sometime.
Here's the thing though. If you are excited about your guy right now, that's a good thing. Enjoy it. You shouldn't be with someone you're not thrilled out. *However*, give it lots and lots of time. Meet his friends. Make him meet your friends and meet family. Even after you fall in love, don't make any major commitments until after a year. Best wishes.
Donna
Thank you so much for your great response. It was very thoughtful and kind. I have changed a lot in three years, and I have learned a lot from past mistakes. I loved the advice about relaxing and keep going. That's what I intend to do. So far, not getting crazy about things has taken me this far, so I must be doing something right. I just wish I could get rid of the doubts I sometimes have, but I guess everyone has doubts. Thanks again.
Donna
It's natural to have a hard time trusting when you've been hurt.
For me it was more ME I didn't trust than the men I saw. I knew which ones were bad for me and sometimes I stayed with them too long. So it was more a matter of learning to trust myself to love the right kind of person.
Donna
Enjoy the fact that you have a great relationship. When we got together both of us had had some really bad relationships and when I'd marvel that we have what we have, MG would just tell me that he thought we both deserved it, that we'd paid our dues. Good luck.
A friend of mine sent me a quote the other day and I really took it to heart....here it is:
No man is your friend, no man is your enemy, every man is your teacher!
Take care,
katlc
"Here's the question: How do you know when you meet someone if he's the "one" -- if it's the real thing?"
When you meet someone, you simply don't know if he's the one or if it will become the real thing.
How will you know if this is good or not? Time. Once this guy consistently shows you who he is, the trust will come. There is such a thing as being overly cautious, but taking it slowly is wise.
I have a friend who didn't date for 11 years, she was so hurt. I had a collegue at work who hasn't dated in seven years. I don't think that we need a man to validate us...but these are conscience life decisions in reaction to a bad relationship...is that healthy? My friend with the 11 year hiatus was busy working and bringing up two girls on her own...the guys that approached her were jerks and she didn't have the time (or inclination) to find someone. She went out, but with the girls and danced with gay guys almost exclusively. The (fantastic) man she married sort of just appeared and landed in her lap.
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