A different kind of day
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| Sat, 07-31-2004 - 8:21pm |
He still is confused. I DON'T get it. Well I suppose I do. He is afraid that he isn't making the right choice - I think basically because he expects the right choice to be crystal clear and I don't know about all your lives but I think the right choice is very rarely crystal clear unless the result is unimportant. While he waits to some mystic intervention I am tied in knots - I mean NINE days to go here ladies and he is STILL confused even though he knows he loves me? Look - I am no fool I know that he hasn't completely let go of his fear and that is what this is. He has to or it ends. What stinks is I don't want it too - it shouldn't - and I know he will regret it. I can't stand it! Today I say my cousin who is married to my ex DH's cousin and got teh skinny on him - he is living in a house his mohter bought for them - she is "cleansing people's aura's" in a room in the house for money and he is working at a cemetary as a grounds keeper. He has to walk to work because he has no license and he sleeps on the couch while the woman and his son sleep in the beds. SOOOOOO sad. He wasn't like that before. It makes me hurt to think it. I don't want it back - just makes me think why did you have to leave me and hurt me for THAT??? And now I don't want that to happen AGAIN.
I know this is a personal issue aside from Jack. Right now I am trying to hold it together. Will he leave? if he does will he come back with a promise/commitment I am looking for? If that happens - should I take him back? Or will I resent all this later? It has happened before. Why do they want you when you have finally decided FOR REAL (not some manipulation tactic) that you don't want it anymore?
UUUGHHHHHH.
Ok - putting it out of my head - after all I had a wonderful day :) No amount of worrying will change it I suppose - we sill see soon.
Laura

It is good to hear you had a nice time for the family reunion.
It sounds like you are frustrated that he is still confused. That must be hard for you especially since you really like him and want it to work out. If there is some way you can draw yourself back a little that might be good. Give him some breathing room and time to think and miss you.
Perhaps he will think he is not ready at first and not meet your deadline but then will realize a little later.
I don't think you should put big expectations and everything win or lose on the one day. Life and times like these are a process.
If he decides to try it is great and if he doesn't that is great in its own way because you are not wasting time on someone who is not willing to take a risk to include you with their extended family and you will meet someone better.
You sound like such a nice person. Try not to worry and keep us posted.
I also beyond this wish I had more girlfriends that lived near me. I always feel so lonely and find that the when I try to make friends it is so hard because they are TOO needy. UGH. I hoep someday soon my life can strike a happy medium.
Thank you so much - you always make me feel better :)
Laura