A different kind of day

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
A different kind of day
2
Sat, 07-31-2004 - 8:21pm
Today was my family reunion and it felt like we were a family. In fact we had a wonderful time. My Dad even told Jack to get in the family photo and if Jack had not wanted to he wouldn't have. But he didn't even fight it. He was hppy and even said he had a good time and afterward we went to the mall and I showed him the computer I was going to get and he bought some candles at Pottery Barn he wanted and then we all had dinner, came home and played on the front lawn a little and made plans to get together again in a couple days. HOWEVER...

He still is confused. I DON'T get it. Well I suppose I do. He is afraid that he isn't making the right choice - I think basically because he expects the right choice to be crystal clear and I don't know about all your lives but I think the right choice is very rarely crystal clear unless the result is unimportant. While he waits to some mystic intervention I am tied in knots - I mean NINE days to go here ladies and he is STILL confused even though he knows he loves me? Look - I am no fool I know that he hasn't completely let go of his fear and that is what this is. He has to or it ends. What stinks is I don't want it too - it shouldn't - and I know he will regret it. I can't stand it! Today I say my cousin who is married to my ex DH's cousin and got teh skinny on him - he is living in a house his mohter bought for them - she is "cleansing people's aura's" in a room in the house for money and he is working at a cemetary as a grounds keeper. He has to walk to work because he has no license and he sleeps on the couch while the woman and his son sleep in the beds. SOOOOOO sad. He wasn't like that before. It makes me hurt to think it. I don't want it back - just makes me think why did you have to leave me and hurt me for THAT??? And now I don't want that to happen AGAIN.

I know this is a personal issue aside from Jack. Right now I am trying to hold it together. Will he leave? if he does will he come back with a promise/commitment I am looking for? If that happens - should I take him back? Or will I resent all this later? It has happened before. Why do they want you when you have finally decided FOR REAL (not some manipulation tactic) that you don't want it anymore?

UUUGHHHHHH.

Ok - putting it out of my head - after all I had a wonderful day :) No amount of worrying will change it I suppose - we sill see soon.

Laura

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Sun, 08-01-2004 - 1:12pm
Hi Laura,

It is good to hear you had a nice time for the family reunion.

It sounds like you are frustrated that he is still confused. That must be hard for you especially since you really like him and want it to work out. If there is some way you can draw yourself back a little that might be good. Give him some breathing room and time to think and miss you.

Perhaps he will think he is not ready at first and not meet your deadline but then will realize a little later.

I don't think you should put big expectations and everything win or lose on the one day. Life and times like these are a process.

If he decides to try it is great and if he doesn't that is great in its own way because you are not wasting time on someone who is not willing to take a risk to include you with their extended family and you will meet someone better.

You sound like such a nice person. Try not to worry and keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 11:59am
(((((HUG))))) thank you. You are so wise. Everything you say is what I really think deep down but you are calm. I always feel so wound up. It is so hard. I want so much to be able to relax because deep down I always kind of know how things will be and I know that things take time and not amount of this anxious feeling I hate will help. The thought of losing him makes me so sad and deep down I don't think that will happen. I just wish it wasn't so far off. It is my own lack of security.

I also beyond this wish I had more girlfriends that lived near me. I always feel so lonely and find that the when I try to make friends it is so hard because they are TOO needy. UGH. I hoep someday soon my life can strike a happy medium.

Thank you so much - you always make me feel better :)

Laura