Living Together
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Living Together
| Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:27am |
Hello,
I posted this question on the living together, but though I might get some perspectives here.
Have any of you moved in with a boyfriend with your children? I'm curious about what kind of problems/situations arose, especially if your boyfriend never had children. Did your ex (father of your children) cause, or try to cause any problems?
I'm thinking that living together first may give me a chance to see how my boyfriend and daughter will get along/interact on a daily basis. They get along wonderfully, but their interaction is somewhat limited because I have my daughter only every other week, and weekdays are just the two of us, because of work/school/etc.
Thank you.
I posted this question on the living together, but though I might get some perspectives here.
Have any of you moved in with a boyfriend with your children? I'm curious about what kind of problems/situations arose, especially if your boyfriend never had children. Did your ex (father of your children) cause, or try to cause any problems?
I'm thinking that living together first may give me a chance to see how my boyfriend and daughter will get along/interact on a daily basis. They get along wonderfully, but their interaction is somewhat limited because I have my daughter only every other week, and weekdays are just the two of us, because of work/school/etc.
Thank you.

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We have a great group of Ladies here from all over that give excellent advice. Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself? So we can get a bit more perspective.
How old are you? Where you from? How old is your daughter? How long have you and your SO been together? HOw do you and your X get along? Is he supportive of you, or more of a battle? Etc... This will better give us a chance to look inside a bit and give you the best advice.
Catherine
Well - I'm in my mid-30's, my daughter is 10. My marriage ended 2 years ago, after 12 years (yes, I married pretty young). My SO and I haven't been dating for long, but we were friends for over a year first, so things are moving a little quick. I don't see us moving in together for a while yet (I have a lease until April) but I like to really research things ahead of time. (just a little anal) :-)
My ex did not want the divorce and as recently as 6 months ago, he was giving our daughter the impression he thought we'd get back together. I was very upfront (in an age appropriate way) with her about that not happening.
I have two main concerns: 1) how my SO and daughter interact living together when he's never had children (he's 48)and suggestions to ease the transition and 2) my ex will definitely not be supportive (a new marriage or living together) and doesn't seem to understand that pushing his feelings onto our daughter is unhealthy for her.
I'm curious what kind of issues others have run into. There's probably a lot of things I'm not even thinking of.
My SO has spent time around children of various ages - he has many nieces and nephews and often spends time with them (takes them camping/fishing/etc.), so he's not completely unfamiliar with kids.
First of all, I think living together sets you up for a mess because you cannot think clearly or end things easily when they become "not right" and you might hold onto a bad relationship for too long; also, there is no real commitment and it is a poor example to set for your daughter. I think it will further enflame things with your X because he will see living together as something to challenge instead of something permanent with a commitment.
I think you have to take your time to be very sure that the SO is right for you. This takes TIME, not just living together.
I would also like to see that you have become comfortable with living on your own and finding yourself after a long marriage. I would worry that you are just looking for the comfort of a relationship and not a compatible lifetime partner - he is 48 - does he really have what you want for the rest of your life?
If your SO is the right person you will learn this over time. I think if he has nieces and nephews in his life then he will be okay - it is not like your daughter is a toddler.
I hope this doesn't sound too negative - but it is how I see things and I wanted to give you my opinion. Keep us posted!! How did you meet your SO?
Hi and welcome to the board!
I did move in with my SO with my kids.
If you think you are ready to commit to a long term relationship, it might be okay to move in, but just understand this...we didn't move in until we were engaged. We knew we were getting married, so this was permanent. I couldn't risk Dylan's emotional well-being just to move in with Shane. If you feel like you will be in this for a long time, maybe forever, then my suggestion is to talk to each other about it and see how you both feel. And ask your child, if she's old enough to answer, how she feels.
Mel
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Hi darcyann, welcome to this board!
I definitely wouldn't consider moving in together unless there were plans for marraige. My SO and I have actually discussed marriage, but not living together so my questions may be irrelevant. I just feel living together first would give us a chance to make some of the adjustments prior to the wedding. I'm trying to get an idea of the issues that come up in these situations.
As for my ex - he would have a problem with it regardless of whether it was a living together or marriage situation. It has nothing to do with the perceived temporary nature or supposed immorality of living together - he won't accept me getting remarried very well. Part of it is probably the idea of another man having influence over his daughter.
If anyone had these kinds of issues, I'm wondering how they dealt with them.
West - I understand the concerns you mention but - I'm definitely just not looking for a comfortable situation - I've been living on my own for over two years, have dated others (I'm not sure why you mentioned his age but I've dated men from 24 to 52) and am not just looking to find another relationship. I'm comfortable being single, but I care a lot about my boyfriend and I prefer to research a situation before we are at the point of making plans. I guess I"m looking for what kind of things we should discuss and issues that we should try to work out, before plans are being made - to live together or get married.
Thank you for replying. Definitely a lot to think about. My SO and I have talked about marriage more than living together. I see living together as something we might do while getting ready for the wedding, possibly in a year or so. But, I think some of the issues that would come up would be the same, from my daughter's perspective, whether it was living together or marriage.
As for my daughter - if it happened - we'd be moving in with my SO. He owns a house, I rent an apartment. My apartments slightly larger, but he has a dog, plus a huge property so we'd go there. He doesn't live far from us, and she goes to school where her dad lives, so her school/dance studio/etc. wouldn't change.
She gets along very well with him, even the times he had to discipline her (I wasn't around). She actually likes that he has no kids, in the past I dated a dad with kids her age and she hated it (said it was weird). She's become friends with his neice who is about her age, and made a comment (out of the blue but gives an idea of her thoughts) about them being cousins some day. So, she seems comfortable with the idea. Her and I are very close and talk a lot, so she's aware that he and I are serious (in a general way) and she is okay with it.
There was not a lot I could do about his reaction. All I could do was reassure dd that everything was going to be ok and that liking my SO didn’t mean she had to love her daddy any less. That daddy would always be daddy no matter what and she didn’t need to feel bad about her feelings for my SO and his boys.
SO and I and the kids all moved in together to a new house last February. My ex had over a year to get used to the idea and he has calmed down quite a bit. He still has a lot of issues with my new relationship. He doesn’t want to know anything about SO or meet him or get to know him or anything. Which is fine, I respect his need not to be involved. But he has softened on dd and no longer restricts her from talking about them. I think he finally came to the realization that his behavior was only hurting his own relationship with dd. (i.e. dd was being very guarded about what she said to him, and wouldn’t be able to share things with him, like going to the zoo with us, or other activities we did together).
So, I’m betting that it’s going to be tough for you at first, but with time, he will learn to accept it. If he truly loves your daughter, he will learn to set aside his selfishness and act in her best interest. I hope that is the case!
Welcome to the board and Good luck!
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