Living Together

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Living Together
11
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:27am
Hello,

I posted this question on the living together, but though I might get some perspectives here.

Have any of you moved in with a boyfriend with your children? I'm curious about what kind of problems/situations arose, especially if your boyfriend never had children. Did your ex (father of your children) cause, or try to cause any problems?

I'm thinking that living together first may give me a chance to see how my boyfriend and daughter will get along/interact on a daily basis. They get along wonderfully, but their interaction is somewhat limited because I have my daughter only every other week, and weekdays are just the two of us, because of work/school/etc.

Thank you.

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Avatar for myprecioustwo
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-08-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 8:58am
First of all welcome to the board.

We have a great group of Ladies here from all over that give excellent advice. Why don't you tell us a bit about yourself? So we can get a bit more perspective.

How old are you? Where you from? How old is your daughter? How long have you and your SO been together? HOw do you and your X get along? Is he supportive of you, or more of a battle? Etc... This will better give us a chance to look inside a bit and give you the best advice.



Catherine

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:15am
Hello,

Well - I'm in my mid-30's, my daughter is 10. My marriage ended 2 years ago, after 12 years (yes, I married pretty young). My SO and I haven't been dating for long, but we were friends for over a year first, so things are moving a little quick. I don't see us moving in together for a while yet (I have a lease until April) but I like to really research things ahead of time. (just a little anal) :-)

My ex did not want the divorce and as recently as 6 months ago, he was giving our daughter the impression he thought we'd get back together. I was very upfront (in an age appropriate way) with her about that not happening.

I have two main concerns: 1) how my SO and daughter interact living together when he's never had children (he's 48)and suggestions to ease the transition and 2) my ex will definitely not be supportive (a new marriage or living together) and doesn't seem to understand that pushing his feelings onto our daughter is unhealthy for her.

I'm curious what kind of issues others have run into. There's probably a lot of things I'm not even thinking of.

My SO has spent time around children of various ages - he has many nieces and nephews and often spends time with them (takes them camping/fishing/etc.), so he's not completely unfamiliar with kids.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-25-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:42am
Personally, from reading your story, I think it is too soon for you to live together.

First of all, I think living together sets you up for a mess because you cannot think clearly or end things easily when they become "not right" and you might hold onto a bad relationship for too long; also, there is no real commitment and it is a poor example to set for your daughter. I think it will further enflame things with your X because he will see living together as something to challenge instead of something permanent with a commitment.

I think you have to take your time to be very sure that the SO is right for you. This takes TIME, not just living together.

I would also like to see that you have become comfortable with living on your own and finding yourself after a long marriage. I would worry that you are just looking for the comfort of a relationship and not a compatible lifetime partner - he is 48 - does he really have what you want for the rest of your life?

If your SO is the right person you will learn this over time. I think if he has nieces and nephews in his life then he will be okay - it is not like your daughter is a toddler.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative - but it is how I see things and I wanted to give you my opinion. Keep us posted!! How did you meet your SO?

Avatar for cl_tcranky1
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:52am

Hi and welcome to the board!


I did move in with my SO with my kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-21-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 9:55am
I moved in with my DH 7 months before we married. I have a 5 year old son and things were great. Shane loves my little boy and they have a really sweet bond between them. My ex husband is a total loser and cheated on me so as soon as I left the house, he moved in with the mistress and her kids and married her. So I wasn't worried at all about his views of my actions. Not his life. Or his business.

If you think you are ready to commit to a long term relationship, it might be okay to move in, but just understand this...we didn't move in until we were engaged. We knew we were getting married, so this was permanent. I couldn't risk Dylan's emotional well-being just to move in with Shane. If you feel like you will be in this for a long time, maybe forever, then my suggestion is to talk to each other about it and see how you both feel. And ask your child, if she's old enough to answer, how she feels.

Mel

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2002
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:23am

Hi darcyann, welcome to this board!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:30am
Thank you everyone for responding.

I definitely wouldn't consider moving in together unless there were plans for marraige. My SO and I have actually discussed marriage, but not living together so my questions may be irrelevant. I just feel living together first would give us a chance to make some of the adjustments prior to the wedding. I'm trying to get an idea of the issues that come up in these situations.

As for my ex - he would have a problem with it regardless of whether it was a living together or marriage situation. It has nothing to do with the perceived temporary nature or supposed immorality of living together - he won't accept me getting remarried very well. Part of it is probably the idea of another man having influence over his daughter.

If anyone had these kinds of issues, I'm wondering how they dealt with them.

West - I understand the concerns you mention but - I'm definitely just not looking for a comfortable situation - I've been living on my own for over two years, have dated others (I'm not sure why you mentioned his age but I've dated men from 24 to 52) and am not just looking to find another relationship. I'm comfortable being single, but I care a lot about my boyfriend and I prefer to research a situation before we are at the point of making plans. I guess I"m looking for what kind of things we should discuss and issues that we should try to work out, before plans are being made - to live together or get married.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 10:46am
Hello Maggie,

Thank you for replying. Definitely a lot to think about. My SO and I have talked about marriage more than living together. I see living together as something we might do while getting ready for the wedding, possibly in a year or so. But, I think some of the issues that would come up would be the same, from my daughter's perspective, whether it was living together or marriage.

As for my daughter - if it happened - we'd be moving in with my SO. He owns a house, I rent an apartment. My apartments slightly larger, but he has a dog, plus a huge property so we'd go there. He doesn't live far from us, and she goes to school where her dad lives, so her school/dance studio/etc. wouldn't change.

She gets along very well with him, even the times he had to discipline her (I wasn't around). She actually likes that he has no kids, in the past I dated a dad with kids her age and she hated it (said it was weird). She's become friends with his neice who is about her age, and made a comment (out of the blue but gives an idea of her thoughts) about them being cousins some day. So, she seems comfortable with the idea. Her and I are very close and talk a lot, so she's aware that he and I are serious (in a general way) and she is okay with it.
Avatar for comountainsprite
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 12:31pm
Welcome. First, I'd be very leary of it as a testing out situation which can be painful for all involved. I'm one of the lucky ones as far as the living together and how it turned out. My now dh had never had children and never wanted them (he'd been married twice before) and was 41 and my dd was only 4 so there was certainly some apprehension about how he'd adapt to living full time with a preschooler even though as preschoolers go, she was a really easy kid. But, still, she was a normal 4 year old complete with some weepiness when things didn't go her way, picky eating habits, etc. But we planned it out for a good 4 months or so before moving in and he was spending at least 3-4 evenings a week and at least one weekend day (typically) at my apartment and I had my dd fulltime so he was generally there for bedtime tuck in for her. My ex was back and forth in terms of being supportive or a real pain (thankfully he was living in another state so it was only by phone) and at one point was just making stuff up about dd not being happy about the impending move and MG being around and he thought she was having behavioral issues because of it, blah, blah, blah. So I actually took her to a child psychologist whose assessment was that she was a happy, healthy, well adjusted child that had a great relationship developing with MG and that the sooner the move was complete the healthier it would be for her. But, again, that particular situation was partially because of her age, our particular relationship, and becuase dd felt the stability that was developing. We moved in together basically intending it to be permanent, although at the time we didn't ever plan to get married. Surprisingly enough, the entire transition was pretty smooth. Dd, after about 8 months or so--I should mention that we ended up getting engaged about 2 months after we moved in and have been married over a year now--decided that she was going to start calling MG Dad. I guess my major advice and I think the reason it worked for us is that we did a lot of planning, talking, deciding what role each of us would play with dd with regard to caring for her, disciplining, etc. In our case, dh is the same as a bio father would be but I do understand that doesn't work for everyone. The main thing is just that you have a clear agreement on those issues. Good luck.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Mon, 08-02-2004 - 3:37pm
My ex reacted very much this way at first. I introduced my dd (6 at the time) to my SO after 4 months of solid exclusive dating. Ex was livid and sent me a very nasty email detailing how irresponsible I was. As thing between SO and I got more serious and dd was spending more time with SO and his three sons, Ex would do things like tell dd that she was not allowed to talk about “him” or his sons while she was at daddy’s house because it made daddy feel “sad.”

There was not a lot I could do about his reaction. All I could do was reassure dd that everything was going to be ok and that liking my SO didn’t mean she had to love her daddy any less. That daddy would always be daddy no matter what and she didn’t need to feel bad about her feelings for my SO and his boys.

SO and I and the kids all moved in together to a new house last February. My ex had over a year to get used to the idea and he has calmed down quite a bit. He still has a lot of issues with my new relationship. He doesn’t want to know anything about SO or meet him or get to know him or anything. Which is fine, I respect his need not to be involved. But he has softened on dd and no longer restricts her from talking about them. I think he finally came to the realization that his behavior was only hurting his own relationship with dd. (i.e. dd was being very guarded about what she said to him, and wouldn’t be able to share things with him, like going to the zoo with us, or other activities we did together).

So, I’m betting that it’s going to be tough for you at first, but with time, he will learn to accept it. If he truly loves your daughter, he will learn to set aside his selfishness and act in her best interest. I hope that is the case!

Welcome to the board and Good luck!

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